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Posts by salbazili
Joined: Jan 11, 2010
Last Post: Mar 3, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 14  

From: Yemen

Displayed posts: 18
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salbazili   
Mar 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / Contrasting between two jobs (commuting, hours, job type) [3]

In the first job, I was working eight hours a day. On the other hand, in the second job, I was working only seven days a week.

I don't see the comparison in this sentence... eight hours a day in the first jobs compared to how many hours a day in the second job? you should also explain the first job more before you compare it to the other one...

Try to stick to the past simple... here are some simple changes:
I was workingworked eight hours a day. On the other hand, in the second job, I was workingworked only seven days a week. In addition, the second job was closer tofor me than the first job;w hile I was spending"spent" or "used to spend" more than an hour commuting to the first job, I was spendingspent only ten minutes commuting to the second job. Finally, unlike the first job, the second job was work performed by a team work .

Here, you should be more specific: For example, I was doing all labordid all the work alone in the first job. However, I was doing most labor in the second job as a team work. Over allTo sum up , the second job and first job differed in the number of work hours, location and workthe way the were performed.
salbazili   
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / College essay on how my grandmother influenced me and my vacation to Italy, critique? [3]

Well, i think it's an interesting story.. but im not sure about the way you began the whole thing... i think you should change it because at first you were writing to a second person YOU: "Picture this: in a nine-person rental car, you and your family..." and then suddenly, without a good transition, you are writing about yourself "I": "But as I think back, this trip really started on November 4th, 2002, the day my grandmother passed away." and it's not picturing any more...

Do you get what I mean? it sounds a bit awkward.

Here's another one: "history became something real" Well, as far as I know, history is SO real.. so try to say something like: I lived my grandmother's stories" OR I am sure you can come up with something better..

And I think you should write more details about the time in Italy because it I find it weird you talked much about your grandma's dream, but a little about achieving it.

Anyways, it's amazing you've been to Italy.

GOOD LUCK :)
salbazili   
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Gettysburg College: Why? Why? Why did you choose us? [7]

This is my final draft. What do you think about it? My friend told me to talk my academic interests to the answer as well.

And thank you Paridokht for your advice. I am writing honestly. Thanks!
salbazili   
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Gettysburg College: Why? Why? Why did you choose us? [7]

How about this? Does it look better?:

I tried to find something very unique about the school, but I think I couldn't find more than what I wrote above. I will submit this after I see your replies.

And thank you Kevin and Mahmood. Your suggestions are nice; good things to put in mind for all my future writings. Thanks!
salbazili   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / become a heart surgery doctor, My success in the future lies in my own hands. [4]

It took me 18 years old to create who I am today and to discover and know the world around me.

I was born in Chicago,IL in199I, but raised in Palestine.I grew up inI am from a wonderful lovely family, that containsconsisting ofmy mother, two elder sister and three younger brothersthree daughters, three sons and my mother . My father wasn't living with us, because he is busy with his jobMy father does not live with us because of his busy job . He is a businessmen, so we see him only twice a year. He used to comeover to visit us in Palestine every single winter break and we visited him in the summer time . That continued to happen until summer 2007.However, in 2007, we decided to staylive with my father in the USA .Therefore I enteredattended William Howard Taft High School to study my junior studentyearand graduated after two years . ThenLater, I enteredattended Wright College to have my Associate degree and transfer to an university . Then I'm planing to transfer to the University of Chicago to take my, where I can earn a Bachelor degree in Biochemistry.

I'm the type of people that has a big self-confidence which make my life harder, sometimes, especially when I want to get in touch with othersand put me in a very bad situation with others because most of them misunderstood my big confidence that i grew up at .

My ambition in life is to get my Master degree or PhD from a medical school and become a heart surgeon . Therefore,I need to study as hard as I can and to be more mature.

I know that the road ahead will not be easy for me, but I cannot give up now . I need to move on in order to reach my goals. My success in the future lies on my own hands.

I hope that helped you a little in grammar. Overall, your writing is great.. you just need to read more to learn how to orgnize your ideas and how to write better. English is not my first language, and reading has been the best way to improve my language. It helps also with learning more vocabulary... any ways, I hope that you like those changes that I made.

Good Luck:-)
salbazili   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Gettysburg College: Why? Why? Why did you choose us? [7]

Deadline is Tomorrow. I need help asap with this very short essay, please! Suggestions and corrections are very welcomed, and thanks in advance!

How did you become interested in Gettysburg College?*

My Opportunity Grant scholarship adviser at the Education USA center at AMIDEAST Sanaa suggested Gettysburg to me as it is a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid for international students. Her suggestion compelled me to explore the school's web resources, and the more I learned, the more interested I became. Outside the classroom, there are around 800 events yearly and 120 clubs and organizations, in addition to sports, where I look forward to developing myself intellectually and physically. In addition to pursuing International Affairs through Gettysburg's multidisciplinary curriculum, I look forward to various types of entertainment from Gettysburg's Ultimate Frisbee to the soccer team, Game Club and many other events.
salbazili   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I lived in Puerto Rico" - University of Muchigan - My experience of diversity [5]

Hello Yea,
These are some of my suggestions. I hope you find them somehow helpful, and if you think they are not what you hoped for, you can simply ignore them; everyone writes differently.

I have been living in Puerto Rico since I was five years old. When I first came here I didn't think (it? What was bad? Life in Puerto Rico? Or Puerto Rico itself?) was badunpleasant(or something similar) until I went to a public school in Eleanor Roosevelt in Hato Rey. Everyone who saw me assumed I was Chinese and harassed me. I was a quiet girl who didn't want to be involved in troubles; so other kids, along with adults, took advantage of my cowardliness and ridiculously emulated Chinese people: bowing to me with hands together and speaking gibberish. That really bothered me, yet, painfully, I let it go. I knew I could not prevent it alone ; it was me against everyone else . I thank God very much because later, someone became my friend and she did so much just by staying by my side. Thanks to her , gradually, my classmates and I began to get along.(rewrite this differently, and develop your story to show how your being different, among your peers, was a diversity experience)

I am from South Korea and I'm proud of it. Be it not for that girl, I would've closed my heart to these people and myself. My parents were very upset when they realized what I went through, but I thanked them for bringing me here. Although my time in this school was painful, it was also fun and I learned valuable lessons that shaped me to the person I am today. My three years in that school taught me to be wise, patient, brave, a good friend, a person of endurance, and most importantly, it taught me to respect people's differences. Truly, I am grateful to God for giving me the privilege of experiencing all this while I was still young. Nowadays, I am considered to be one of the most intellectual student at the school, my culture is respected and admired by many, and last but not least, I am loved and appreciated. I don't think you would need to mention this paragraph for that it adds nothing crucial to the essay; however, you still can add some of the information to the preceding paragraph. Also, this is going to help you meet the word limit.

I believe my experiences and achievements will enable, as they did in school?(State that here) me to bring success to the field that makes the University of Michigan a better university. Diversity, to me, means people's uniqueness. I believe that as we grow unique, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others. I look forward to meeting different people, learn from them and display("share" would be better) my own differences, with hoping that I can be a light that others can come to with their ideas, visions and dreams. Correspondingly, I don't doubt that blending my talents with those of others can change the world.

I hope that helps a little..

GoOd LuCk:-)
salbazili   
Jan 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Thank You" is more than a phrase - Gettysburg College Supplement... [3]

Thanks, Kevin. Here is what I finally came up with for the second question. It's a little more than the characters limit (750). I need a way to make it a little shorter, and please tell me what you think about it or if you have any other suggestions.

Again, thanks in advance!

Answer: My Opportunity Grant scholarship adviser at the Education USA center at AMIDEAST Sanaa suggested Gettysburg to me, adding that Gettysburg was a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid opportunities for international students. I also did some researching on the Internet to learn more about the school, and the more research I did, the more interested I became; with Gettysburg College, I can achieve academic success while keeping up with my social life. Outside the classrooms, there are around 800 events yearly and 120 clubs and organizations, let alone the sports, where I can spend my time, contentedly, to develop myself intellectually and physically. I have been eager to participate in many of those new events, and I believe that Gettysburg will give me the chance I need.

about (400) characters.
salbazili   
Jan 28, 2010
Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

I think the main point of word limit is to test you on how well you would write intensive information in such a short space. So if I were you, I would have written my essays in a different way instead of cutting off info. Take this for example:

A group of kids formed a soccer team. They were fourteen kids and their ages were around fifteen. They called their team the Eagels.

instead I would write it this way:

A group of fourteen teenagers formed a soccer team, the Eagles.

So try your best to rewrite you texts to make them more concentrated in fewer words, and do not exceed the word limit because it might hurt your application somehow.
salbazili   
Jan 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Thank You" is more than a phrase - Gettysburg College Supplement... [3]

Hi every one,
I am an international student from Yemen. I don't know much in writing, so I would want any kind of help.

This is my last commonapp supplemental questions, so I hope I receive all your help.. Please, critique and be harsh because I want my last commonapp assignments be the best of all of mine, so please don't be stingy when giving advice... If you have any way that I can make my writing more exciting please help. Also, help me with any rewording, grammar corrections, sentence editing, or content ideas. I also would like to thank you in advance for your precious help!


Question 1: Gettysburg College students are engaged learners and 'make a difference' both on and off campus through their academic and extracurricular activities. Describe a situation in which you have made a difference in your school or community and what you learned from that experience.

I have always heard the Arabic proverb that says "The good word breaks the arid rod." Every time I heard it, I wondered what it implied, and decided to investigate. Years passed but I never found a satisfying explanation. I also did not see how my way returning home from school every day was building an illustration to approach the meaning-the real one!

For my senior year, I moved to a new school, which was one hour far from home. I used to be delayed even more when I returned home in the afternoon, probably most because of the unavoidable street market near the school. No way a car could make its way through it in less than an hour, yet I enjoyed walking through it not only because I could pass it faster but also because of the delicious types of food sold there. Selling their food, people expected nothing more than money from their customers. However, whenever I bought something, I said "thank you," as I appreciated the food and liked its taste, before I gave them the money.

At first, nobody really cared about it, but as time passed, people began reacting to me positively. As I showed gratitude to them, food sellers started to exchange appreciation with me. When I declared I was grateful, people would smile at me and say thank you in exchange. Then they asked my friends about me when I didn't come. After that, I started to get free food when I didn't have enough money. People, in the other hand, activated their love towards their jobs and developed their ways of nice communications with others. Satisfied with their jobs, people figured other ways to be happy.

I started to get sense of how a simple phrase, like "thank you," could make a big difference in people's lives. I realized how accidently I did something to make people live even happier with what they did for a living. I had never known that walking through the market, at the first place, was not only for saving time passing it. I also learned that I shouldn't expect any benefits from people when I use praising phrases to express my appreciation of something; yet I could exploit them to receive my ultimate desired goals.

Question 2: How did you become interested in Gettysburg College?The school is suggesting a very short answer for this question.

"Why don't you take a look at Gettysburg College?" My Opportunity Grant scholarship adviser at the Education USA center at AMIDEAST Sanaa asked, adding that Gettysburg was a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid opportunities for international students. I also did more researching on the Internet to learn more about the School. And the more research I did, the more interested I became.
salbazili   
Jan 20, 2010
Undergraduate / UM undergraduate PS essay--educational interests-economics [12]

When I was six years old, my mother told me " our country is not so rich." I asked "w hy don't we print, I don't know, I think you should reword it somehow, more money to become rich?" When I was ten years old, my grandmother complained "t he price of tomato went up!" I asked "h ow could all tomato sellers raise price at one time?" When I was fifteen years old, I told my grandfather, an economy and philosophy professor, "I want to become an economist!"

I think that you may need to start over with the introduction.. the whole dialoge idea doesn't get into my mind, I think it sounds somehow boring while you need attention getter to make the reader want to continue reading.

I hope you get what I am suggesting..

GOOD LUCK :)
salbazili   
Jan 14, 2010
Scholarship / The real reason behind my choice of Colorado College - CC Supplement [4]

Thank you very much EF_Kevin. Those were very helpful comments, but I still need a little more help!

First, since I am considering a double major of Geology and International Economics, I thought of writing about could be the relationship between both of them. It would be something on how each can contribute to support the other. so what do you think?

For the "XXX XXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXXXXX XXXX," I put "If I were you, I would apply to Colorado College".. I mean that what she really said any ways. Or should I come up with something more...idk?

What about the rest of the essay does it look good enough to submit?

Thanks a lot again!
salbazili   
Jan 14, 2010
Writing Feedback / Animal and music lover - NCSSM Essay #1 [7]

Hey again,
here are some things I would do if it were my essay:
(Ambitious is a good word that describes me because..) I would take that out and start it with (I set my goal.. you still can write something similar to that at the end of the paragraph though.. I would say something like "Ambitions make me enjoy my life"

(I love music and musical is a great word to describe me .) you can refer to you love for music by explaining that your playing piano since 1st garde is a reason behind it.

(I am very sensitive especially when it comes to animals)

I also agree with Alexa, still needs improving...It would look better if you make it look like a story..and you did a good job elaborating a little of that in your last paragraph..

GOOD LUCK:)
salbazili   
Jan 12, 2010
Scholarship / The real reason behind my choice of Colorado College - CC Supplement [4]

Hi, everyone. This is my essay for Colorado College supplement Question #1, and I have had ahard time deciding what to write about question #2: The Block Plan at Colorado College has a tradition of innovation and flexibility. Please design your own three-and-a-half week intellectual adventure and describe what you would do. I've thought about writing something about Arabian and Yemeni cultures, since I'm from Yemen, so do you think that will work or should I start with a different topic?

When looking at the essay below, please critique and be harsh if you need! and please help me with grammar corrections as well.


REQUIRED: How did you learn about Colorado College and why do you wish to attend?

I was searching on the internet for the top-ranking liberal arts colleges in the USA and came across Colorado College. I also learned about Colorado from my Opportunity Grant scholarship adviser at the Education USA center at AMIDEAST Sanaa. My adviser told me that Colorado was a top liberal arts school with excellent financial aid opportunities for international students.

But that was not the only reason that made Colorado College my first choice, it was the Block Plan system that the school follows in its teachings. I had always studied in a class room that had around 150 students jammed. I have got used to listen to the teacher explain the elements of the lesson, but I couldn't understand because I couldn't even imagine anything about it. I had never got a chance to experience real-life teaching or at least express my ideas with the rest of the class. In that typical class room I studied the different types of electrical circuits but I had never seen one in real life. I've always complained that it takes me days to study something that I forget in few hours, while through living the experience, we learn things that remain in our memories for ever because they become living memories. The Block Plan also refreshes my belief of making every experience education.

Another reason is the double major study plan. I want to pursue a career in science and International Economics. I think that the Block plan will make it easier for me to follow both majors at the same time. It allows me to focus on only two topics every three-and-a-half courses instead of getting lost in many subjects at the same time.

I should not forget about the fascinating nature surrounding the college, and the atmosphere that makes it a good place to grow intellectually and spiritually. I believe it would be a good place where somebody can experience adventures during learning.
salbazili   
Jan 12, 2010
Writing Feedback / Animal and music lover - NCSSM Essay #1 [7]

Hi,
One thing I noticed is that your not really answering the question.. The question asks you to talk about your personality and what makes it unique.

I don't think that loving animals or wanting to become a vet is unique.. I think you should talk a little more about your personality, like why you do love to read books, for example, you would love reading because you only have one life, but through reading you feel you experience other's lives as well.

Try your best to make the essay look as it's not a list of hobbies, instead, you can tell how those hobbies shaped your life.. for example, you could talk about how your passion for reading made you want to be a vet, or how it made you love music so much.

I hope you get what I mean...

GOOD LUCK!
salbazili   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "intellectual adventure design" - Colorado College Supplemental Essay [5]

that's a great essay!

I am not an expert in writing and I don't really love to write. You also should know that I am an international student. So my following comment should not be necessarily considered, but since I am applying to the same college, I think it might be a bit helpful.

You devided your course into three parts, and each part is a week, what about the half week left?
I think you should leave the last paragraph for the half week and elaborate another paragraph preceding the last one. In this paragraph, you can write about why things that once were funny during the old times, but now they are not, and vice versa.

In the end, you know what's better, and I hope you do the best.
Good luck!
salbazili   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Richmond supplement - Outside the comfort zone [4]

Thank you very much Tylor.
Changes made, but I still have a question!
"... any work more ...." should I replace it with something like "any activity more"? or should I take out this whole phrase "and I wasn't better in any work more than sports."

Thank you!
salbazili   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Richmond supplement - Outside the comfort zone [4]

Hi everyone, I am a student from Yemen, and I am going to apply to four colleges in the next three days. University of Richmond is one of them, and the others are Kenyon College, Colorado College and Whitman College, so if you have any advice for me please enlight me asap, specifically Colorado College supplement--I have no idea what to write about for the Bloch Plan question, so all help is needed.

Following is my supplement question for URichmond, so please be harsh if you need to! All help will be fine...

The Richmond Question: Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?

Answer: During the ninth grade, I came to know Tameem, who, at the time, I called my best friend. Things were going great between us. However, when I found out that he was from Khoban, I hated him not for who he was, but because of where he came from. The stereotype is that people from Khoban usually depend on playing music, singing or dancing for a living, and sometimes perform those activities even during others' sad moments. He tried to tell me that he and his family had left that village because they did not like what those people do, yet I assaulted him and didn't give him a chance.

Years passed, and in the 11th grade, I won a chance to go to the USA for an exchange program. I knew forty one other students who won the same chance. We all met with our families and friends the day of our going away at the airport. Crying and hugging, everyone was sad to leave his family and friends. But I wasn't sad, instead, I was happy and excited because it was going to be only for one year and it was my first time travelling outside Yemen. Soon we all were on the plane, and nobody was sad any more. We had fun chatting and telling jokes to each other all the way.

Everything changed when we arrived in Washington DC. That was the time we had to say Goodbye to each other because everyone was placed in a different state to attend high school and live with a host family. This time I had the desire to cry because I finally felt I was alone. Realizing I was out of the comfort zone, I started to feel homesick three days later, yet I was even more eager to make new friends.

I was placed in Norfolk, Nebraska. The adults there were very pleasant and welcoming, but the teenagers were not. Every time I tried to make friends, they called me a "terrorist." They called me that because I was from the Middle East, but even though I was annoyed, it did not prevent me from trying to make friends. I joined the tennis, wrestling, and soccer teams because I had always believed that doing activities with others is the best way to reach them, and I worked just as hard at the sports as they did. Once they got to know me, they stopped addressing me like that. They apologized and told me that I was nothing like a terrorist and did not deserve to be called that.

The exchange program came to an end, and I had to leave again. But this time I was aware I wouldn't see my friends for good, and I felt I was leaving my comfort zone again. Still, I didn't cry or huff because I learned that where ever I go, I can make it my home. I learned that the choice is always in my hand.

This experience also made me think hard about how mean I was when I chose to hate Tameem because he was from Khoban. I felt bad because I was in the same situation as him, but people had always treated me well in the end. I was determined to apologize to him and to change the way that I treated him and others, and this was one of the best decisions of my life.

I learned that a baby does not choose who his parents will be, whether he will be black or white, male or female, or from Yemen or America. We do not have the right to insult people for any of these reasons. We should treat others as people like us and view them based on their personalities, not their backgrounds. And we should never call a person "terrorist" or "nigger" because stereotypes are never true and everyone is different. We should know instead that addressing people with derogatory nicknames will not make us feel any better, but will instead instigate conflict and war; it will cause us to lose many friends, and at the same time, gain more enemies.
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