Posts by bilibolobala

bilibolobala

Mar 17, 2010

Scholarship / A scholarship to study Regional Planning, help in an essay to Master Program [3]

Hi there,

You have quite an impressive academic record. However, try not to be too smug, such as in this sentence (Overall I am pleased with my academic record and I believe that it has prepared me very well for the real life and the different situations that I have encountered in my professional life)

Also, I think you need to revise the conclusion. It's too long and I could not follow your idea. Perhaps splitting up the sentence?

Hope this helps and all the best to your application. =)

bilibolobala

Mar 17, 2010

Scholarship / My character and life event - scholarship character essay [8]

Hi friend,

I think you should focus less on describing the even, trim the unnecessary stuffs (even though they sound nice), and develop a little bit more reflection.

Language-wise, here are some of my suggestions:
all that was left was ash -> all that left was ash
it can literally go up in smoke in a moment -> I think this is too informal
direction in life -> a direction in life

That's all. Hope this helps and all the best to your application. =)

bilibolobala

Mar 17, 2010

Scholarship / I'm interested in computer field. Scholarship essay. [5]

Hi friend,

The content seems find. From your essay, I can feel your passion for Comp Science. Here are some suggestion on the language.

I was limited accessing -> I had limited access
used phone line -> used the phone line
From here my life has changed a lot -> my life has changed a lot since then
Most my money saving -> most of my money
with rapidly changing technologies -> with the rapid changing technologies
Whenever going to an electronic store -> every time I got to an electronic store
Computers, they don't always go smoothly -> Computers are not always without any problem

That's all. Hope this helps and all the best to you. =)

bilibolobala

Mar 17, 2010

Scholarship / "Once I have a dream" - An autobiography for exchange students scholarship [3]

Hi there,

The content is decent, but I think you need to work a little bit on your language:

my music dream drive -> drove
to be familiar with them -> to familiarize them
I also discovered that through annealing, people have unlimited fighting spirit, perseverance and potential can be excited out -> this sentence is too cliche. I suggest you change it.

What is more, I got a number of togetherness -> the meaning of this sentence is not clear.
the linkages with related administrative offices -> I think the words "liaison officer" would sound less wordy
enlarge my background -> broaden my knowledge
participating myself -> participate
Although my journey of pursuing my dreams are often not very smooth, I do not particularly envy those who have a meteoric rise, because the process of struggles make my results even more precious -> In my opinion, this sentence my spark some controversy. If possible, try not to be too smug in the conclusion.

I believe that the best rewards in my life come from hard work hard work itself. -> cliche.

Hope this helps. =)

bilibolobala

Mar 17, 2010

Scholarship / A career in Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA) [3]

Hi people,

I'm applying to this URA scholarship. Basically, the agency asked my why am I interested in this scholarship. Please criticize the essay as hard as you could. I really appreciate your kind help and will try to edit your essays as well.

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From building my future house with Lego structures to assembling origami models, from constructing pioneering towers during Scout meeting to constructing the physical world with abstract equations, I have always been enjoying building things. As I am looking for a scholarship that allows me to pursue my passion, many things attracted me to URA. However, as I was weighing up the career prospects that come after my undergraduate study, I realized that URA offers something different, innovative and less ordinary. Solving challenging problems of planning Singapore's urban landscape upon my return at URA would be an enriching exposure to the exciting world of urban planning, instead of many other desk-bound endeavors.

A career in URA would thus be a logical choice to be the first step in following my passion. My appointment at Conservation & Urban Design Group would give me insights into building Singapore a cosmopolitan without obliterating the nation's cultural heritage buildings while the works under Physical Planning Group would equip me with extensive knowledge on Singapore's Sustainable Development. Life on the happening environment at URA will teach me how to build up the integrity, take up the challenge, and make a meaningful contribution to the organization.

URA also impresses me with its supportive framework for employees' growth and development, both in areas of soft skills and technical knowledge. With URA's helps to develop others transferable skills such as organization, researching and communication, opens many ways to learn how to take on different professional responsibilities. Being a results-oriented person who enjoys a steep learning curve, I am excited to be stretched with assignments from various groups to develop a well-rounded perspective of Singapore's National Development. The working environment at URA is definitely challenging, but it is also a great place to work with a nice balance between work and play.

In addition, URA scholarship would provide a wide range of opportunities that makes a unique impact on the early stage of my career path. Being an URA scholarship recipient is a rewarding achievement that will not only raise my academic credentials but also act as a brilliant vehicle to meet like-minded scholars. The rigorous education at a prestigious university in England would broaden my horizons both as a scholar and as a person. In preparation for a long-term career with URA, the 8-week internship during my undergraduate study would definitely give me invaluable insights into the full spectrum of URA's dynamic culture at work. Most importantly, the scholarship would grant me the Singapore citizenship to live and contribute, in a tangible way, to the place that I have considered home since my secondary school time.

I am looking forward to receiving this prestigious scholarship that comes with a unique career path at URA. Granted, I would strive to make the most of my four years in university to explore the endless possibilities that would prepare me well for the working world. I believe that, by giving me an opportunity to be a part of an excellent team shaping the Singapore's urban landscape, URA has invested its shares into its human capital that plays an important role in transforming Singapore into one of Asia's premier global city.