Posts by layne001

layne001

Aug 16, 2010

Undergraduate / My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective [6]

Well it was just an idea I was throwing out...I'm not sure how you'd do it without rewriting a significant portion of the structure and order behind the essay. Still, the way you have it now is really good. I was just asking if you were interested in that.

Now that I think about it, the way you have it now probably fits the best.

What you could do to make the essay more interesting is instead of starting the last paragraph as "Now as a door begins to close on my adolescence..." you could write as such:

"As the pages of my adolescence become a chapter read..."
or
"With the turn of the chapter of my adolescence..."
or something else. I think if you tie this in with the context of the book of life quote then you can make this essay even better.

layne001

Aug 16, 2010

Undergraduate / My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective [6]

In reflecting on the events of my life, none have impacted me more than my trip "across the pond".

I think that this should be rephrased to have "I" after the first clause because you're the one 'reflecting on the events of my life"

So maybe something like:
In reflecting on the events of my life, I have not been impacted more than my trip across "the pond."

I also think that quoting solely 'the pond' rather than 'across the pond' fits a bit better...but I think that's personal preference.

I was captivated by every aspect of the presentation, the itinerary opened up a window of opportunity unavailable to the regular traveler.

Splitting this into two sentences or using a semi-colon instead of a comma would fit better I think.

As Student Ambassadors we were more than that; we represented the best of the best of student trave

Using a colon instead of the comma helps the preceding clause build on the next one and would add a stronger emphasis on the point you're making.

Melting into my character with each step, In preparation I attended state briefings with senators, and political delegates as well as classroom based lessons concentrating on the various aspects that compose a country.

I think cutting out 'In preparation' would help the sentence flow a lot better.

These distinct opportunities whisked me away into another world; unattainable for the "average" thirteen year old.

Instead of the semicolon, I'd use a comma and say:
...into another world, a world unattainable...
What do you think?

Other than that, it was a good essay and I wanted to continue reading on. I liked how you didn't come out with Ireland until the middle of the beginning paragraph; it kept me tuned to the essay.

Something I was thinking about was maybe changing the quote to be the last line of the essay? I'm not sure how it would fit, but it was just an idea. I wouldn't know how it would impact your essay topic.

Good job!

layne001

Aug 15, 2010

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

Wow thank you for your comments. Hopefully I can get in where I want to go with this.
Thanks a lot!

layne001

Aug 12, 2010

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

Thanks everyone for the advice! I knew it was a risky idea and I'm willing to go for it considering that it may prove to be quite successful...plus it is personal and I wanted to make it relative yet unique from everything else. I'm not sure if I'm still too vague about England or not, but I'd quite appreciate your opinions. And yeah I do agree, the flaws in personality wasn't really justified by the essay. I think it fits a lot more succinctly now.

So what do you guys think?

Oh and thank you again. I really appreciate your help and insight.

layne001

Aug 11, 2010

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

It is a rough draft. I was wondering if the idea was good to fit for the essay; I was worried it might be to broad.

Thank you though for the advice! I'll polish it up a bit and post a better one soon.

layne001

Aug 10, 2010

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

I just wrote this up in about five minutes or so and wanted to know whether the idea is worth it. Should I continue on this topic and build the essay or is it unlikely to bode well during the application process? Thanks!

It's the Common App essay, I'm guessing the "other" topic.

I love England.

From birth to age 5, I lived in the country I still call home. England remains a place I feel internally attached to, and no matter how illogical it may be, I defend the nation with all intensity, a sort of hypernationalism. It's a place that I relish as the birthplace of my hope and inspiration. But I don't just love the land; my family is there. My cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparent: all there.

I don't love England. I love my family.

They are always there for me, no matter the situation, no matter the price. My dad, shadowing his love with a veil of culturally significant authority. Only recently had I broken through it, and only recently did I realize how much he offers, how much he sacrifices. My mom, dying of a terminal illness, who I truly yearn to be with, yet find it increasingly difficult to do so. This struggle between life and death I face daily, and I can't help to imagine the future. Yet I always find those moments in the past that I can never forget.

I don't love my family. I love memories.

Those moments I can never forget. Those remain visions from the past but seemingly find a way to overtake my mind with a sense of detachment. Lighting fireworks outside with my family, seeing the flame ignite not just the firework but happiness. Then, with my favorite cousin at five in the morning, teaching her how to play blackjack. It's at this moment, this period in time when I can really acknowledge the truth that these moments offer, the truth that life offers.

I don't love memories. I love life.

Yes, life is what procured all of this, but it isn't just memories that define it. The past I cherish, the present I embrace, the future I challenge. I couldn't be doing any of this without my life, without my existence. Sometimes, just looking out my bedroom window, sidetracked from a then trivial assignment, thinking about what really matters, what I'd wish to do in this life. Can I make a difference? Will I be willing to?

I don't love life. I hate it.

Those questions always bring up the concept of an end. Always an end. How could I ever begin to think of what I wanted to do without realizing that in the end life will seal itself up into an abyss of darkness. That fear consumes me, entraps me.

I don't hate life. The fact that there is a finite time with our lives prompts me to take action. Why not make a difference and follow my most ambitious goals? A regret at any stage in life is a regret forever. Even if what I love may fall apart, what falls back together is always something better and whatever action I take, I know that I will have done so with the least remorse and the highest resolve. This is my hope. This is my inspiration. I love England.