I just wrote this up in about five minutes or so and wanted to know whether the idea is worth it. Should I continue on this topic and build the essay or is it unlikely to bode well during the application process? Thanks!
It's the Common App essay, I'm guessing the "other" topic.
I love England.
From birth to age 5, I lived in the country I still call home. England remains a place I feel internally attached to, and no matter how illogical it may be, I defend the nation with all intensity, a sort of hypernationalism. It's a place that I relish as the birthplace of my hope and inspiration. But I don't just love the land; my family is there. My cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparent: all there.
I don't love England. I love my family.
They are always there for me, no matter the situation, no matter the price. My dad, shadowing his love with a veil of culturally significant authority. Only recently had I broken through it, and only recently did I realize how much he offers, how much he sacrifices. My mom, dying of a terminal illness, who I truly yearn to be with, yet find it increasingly difficult to do so. This struggle between life and death I face daily, and I can't help to imagine the future. Yet I always find those moments in the past that I can never forget.
I don't love my family. I love memories.
Those moments I can never forget. Those remain visions from the past but seemingly find a way to overtake my mind with a sense of detachment. Lighting fireworks outside with my family, seeing the flame ignite not just the firework but happiness. Then, with my favorite cousin at five in the morning, teaching her how to play blackjack. It's at this moment, this period in time when I can really acknowledge the truth that these moments offer, the truth that life offers.
I don't love memories. I love life.
Yes, life is what procured all of this, but it isn't just memories that define it. The past I cherish, the present I embrace, the future I challenge. I couldn't be doing any of this without my life, without my existence. Sometimes, just looking out my bedroom window, sidetracked from a then trivial assignment, thinking about what really matters, what I'd wish to do in this life. Can I make a difference? Will I be willing to?
I don't love life. I hate it.
Those questions always bring up the concept of an end. Always an end. How could I ever begin to think of what I wanted to do without realizing that in the end life will seal itself up into an abyss of darkness. That fear consumes me, entraps me.
I don't hate life. The fact that there is a finite time with our lives prompts me to take action. Why not make a difference and follow my most ambitious goals? A regret at any stage in life is a regret forever. Even if what I love may fall apart, what falls back together is always something better and whatever action I take, I know that I will have done so with the least remorse and the highest resolve. This is my hope. This is my inspiration. I love England.
I like the parallel structure you've opted for, its very memorable. Definitely continue in this line of thought. I am assuming this is just a rough draft by your reference to the 5 minutes you took to write it. I believe if you just polish it up and make the illustrations coherent, your in to impress whatever adcomms will be reading it. The way you tie it all up with reference back to i love England left me with a smile on my face.
Wow I am really impressed. I could hear the elusive 'voice' we are all told to project through our essays.
It is a rough draft. I was wondering if the idea was good to fit for the essay; I was worried it might be to broad.
Thank you though for the advice! I'll polish it up a bit and post a better one soon.
This is a really unique aka risky essay.
mm I don't know if this is the right approach but ask yourself what the person/admission officer reading the essay is going to find out about you after reading your essay?
They are probably looking for clues that help identify those with some traits that they are looking for, and what kind of traits are you trying to show them.
You have probably answer these questions by saying
A finite time, though what I believe is the worst part of life, is what makes me want to do something.
So, is this strong enough?
If you think it is, then stick with it, take a risk, and see how it will turn out.
To be honest, I really like the poetic touch of your essay. But the risk of any 'poetic' essay is the lack of real, solid substance. But I think you did wrap it up well with the expression that I have quoted, and the scattering images gave some sense of your inner thoughts (Meanwhile I am aware that this isn't the final product). I think I will be more impress if you elaborate more and connects them in such a way that everyone is able to feel the way you feel, isn't that what the essay, and language in general, is all about? As I am telling you this, I am actually struggling with my own essay. Well, I am no expert. =D
G L~
It's not often that a real essay is written as an admissions essay. A real essay is the kind somebody writes our of sheer inspiration. This is really good stuff. I hope you will develop the part about England some more. Give a memorable phrase in the intro, and then use it again in the conclusion... a phrase about the significance of England. I need to know how you get back to "I love England" at the end. It seems that a sentence is missing.
I think it's excellent. It's excellent that, like a palindrome, it ends the way it begins.
As an admissions essay, it is indeed risky. It is always risky to talk about family... their personality flaws, etc... because it is like talking behind someone's back when they are not able to give their side of the story. Also, it seems like some students are using the essay like a therapy session. You did such a great hob with this, though... I think you should try to replace the criticism of family with something more introspective.. that'll be more impressive.
Thanks everyone for the advice! I knew it was a risky idea and I'm willing to go for it considering that it may prove to be quite successful...plus it is personal and I wanted to make it relative yet unique from everything else. I'm not sure if I'm still too vague about England or not, but I'd quite appreciate your opinions. And yeah I do agree, the flaws in personality wasn't really justified by the essay. I think it fits a lot more succinctly now.
So what do you guys think?
Oh and thank you again. I really appreciate your help and insight.
You know what... any school with an AO reader that cannot appreciate this is not the school you want to attend. This has real value as art, unlike some admissions essays. Well done!
Wow thank you for your comments. Hopefully I can get in where I want to go with this.
Thanks a lot!
Yeah, well... I also might be wrong! Maybe the school you want to attend does indeed have an AO reader who is not open to the use of poetic license and values instead good conventional composition. So... well, it is just like anything else in life: use your intuition! :-)
