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Posts by Ryan_dallas
Joined: Sep 2, 2010
Last Post: Sep 9, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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Ryan_dallas   
Sep 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "Culture is my passion + Mexico City" - university of Denver [3]

What is the prompt? it is hard for me to edit for content, but i will go ahead with grammar and mechanics

maybe replace "I will get into it" with something a little less slangy.. maybe "I grow enthused"

Where did the "due to the knowledge i have" come from?? consider removing or elaborating.

"critique" not "critic"

I LOVE the final sentence!!
Ryan_dallas   
Sep 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]

Grammar: in the second paragraph, change linesman to lineman

fourth paragraph, maybe try "the" in front of titans, for flow

the 50: maybe eliminate "sexy"... comes off sophomoric

Content: GREAT ESSAY!!!!! i like the way you flip between story and situation.

one tip though, maybe tie in a little more in the end about how swimming either made you a better person, or what you gained, because colleges like to see you brag about yourself a little, but dont overdo it.
Ryan_dallas   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Strength in Words" - Fsu. My Vires. [4]

thanks for your input guys. and btw im not hindu, i say my community meaning, literally, my community (hometown). im a born and raised catholic
Ryan_dallas   
Sep 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "Strength in Words" - Fsu. My Vires. [4]

Ryan Dallas
FSU Application Essay
9/2/2010

Strength in Words

Vires. Five simple letters, that when combined hold immense power. The word is part of the motto used to guide Florida State University through over a century of change. Although Artes (the intellectual pursuit of the arts) is present in my 8 years of concert training on the tenor saxophone, and Mores (character and tradition) is evident in my daily presence at mass before school, Vires, representing strength of all kinds, is prevalent in all parts of my persona.

Vires is most apparent through my moral and spiritual strength. Through a both a Roman Catholic upbringing and attendance at a Jesuit high school (who's motto is "Men and Women for Others") I have gained a unique set of values focusing a deep commitment to serving the poor, disadvantaged and marginalized citizens in my community. Through my experiences living around, and spending time with the homeless in the city of Akron, Ohio; through the St Benedict Joseph Labre Project (sharing "food and friendship" with our homeless friends on the streets), helping run the Pet Maurin Center at the Catholic Worker Outreach Shelter, or through equine therapy with mentally and physically handicapped persons; I have learned that one's strength cannot be determined through wealth, caste (as in Hindu society), or even physical brawn, but through moral values and integrity. Although nobody is flawless, I strive to maintain an unblemished record of academic integrity and service in my community. I consider these qualities to be indicative of my levels of moral and spiritual strength... My Vires.

HOW DO I CLOSE THIS?????!!!!!!!!

The prompt is : The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
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