Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Posts by sdinnu
Joined: Sep 2, 2010
Last Post: Oct 16, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

Displayed posts: 7
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Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Karate Test, MIT significant challenge [8]

StillLifeWitHam, THANK YOU so very much for your very insightful and meaningful feedback. it has helped my essay progress so much in so little time to have such helpful feed back each time. I have taken your advice and revised alot of this essay. I hope that it really shows that i will be innovative to solve any issue in hand. Thanks to everyone else that has also helped out! Here is my newest revision:

please tell me if anything needs to be edited or revised, thanks!
Oct 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Karate Test, MIT significant challenge [8]

here is an updated version. Thanks for all your support guys, this is really helping me out alot! i couldnt use this essay for my personality one since i already had a essay written out. please tell me if this shows how i faced my challenge. this is a true story, although it sounds a little different from the other version, it just includes the previous test's "failure"

any better? anything else needing to be fixed? (including grammer mistakes?)
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Karate Test, MIT significant challenge [8]

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*)

"The Okinawan Karate Best of Test award goes to..." It was not me. After countless hours of training and endless weeks of physical strain, all my efforts instantly washed away when another contenders name was called. This year old memory haunted my vision for my upcoming Black Belt test, my last opportunity to earn the prestigious Best of Test award.

During the final months before my test, I had to polish my karate skill to a new level. Rather than repeat the same training system as last time, I implemented a new one specifically designed to correct even the most minute of errors. Through private sessions with my instructor, I was able to master everything from body positioning to mental composure. In addition, I began recording myself to carefully scrutinize and refine even the most minor motions. With my final karate test rapidly approaching, I worked diligently to ensure failure would not be an option.

The day of the test, I performed each of my forms with finesse. By the end, I saw the eyes of the judges affixed on my ring, and I knew I had won them over. When I was called up to acquire my black belt at the end of the test, I was also honored with the Best of Test Certificate. Certificate in my hand, I knew that last times failure motivated me to work harder - last times failure revealed the path that guided me to success. (243/250)

Do you think this essay answers the prompt well enough? Im not sure if this challenge is significant enough and if it provides insight about my lifestyle. My other essays were about engineering and I didnt want to keep talking about just that so i picked my extracurricular. Do you think this essay is worth keeping, or should i write another one about a different topic?
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / UC app: describe the world you come from "Dr. Grandma" [3]

to surf, bodysurf, hunt for sand crabs,

dont state both surfing and body surfing, although different, it sounds repetitive

I want to learn, and grow as a person

kinda cliche

overall, i like the essay content, it shows about ur history and how you grew up to be who you are. however, i feel like the first paragraph is not vital to the essay and kind of confused me between GRANDPA and GRANDMA. i also wish you mentioned more specific examples about your passion for learning.

hope this helped
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / The older generations cannot pursue the new technologies -Extracurricular activity [6]

i feel like this essay has good topic, but isnt written in the best way.

already happing fast in our days


of how to choose correctly one's PC

needs rewriting

which pieces of hardware better interact one with another.

i think a specific example of this would replace this generalized statement

I cannot watch people, how they without knowing what they are buying and being persuaded by the seller, spend their money on a laptop that they think has a high performance and after some time they end up with an old technology workstation.

that sentence doesnt make much sense

maybe: I cannot bare to watch buyers purchase a laptop solely on the deceitful persuasion of a seller. Although they believe they have found a high performance machine, what they truel purchased was an overpriced, outdated piece of technology.

overall, good topic, shows insight, but needs some work to convey the message more strongly
Sep 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Caltech Engineering Essay, my ideas to come to fruition [5]

I rewrote parts of the essay and followed both of your recommendations. I completely got rid of the second paragraph and used parts of it to transition between the first and third paragraph. I also included the Caltech portion of the conclusion. If there are any parts that are awkward ( i tend to do that often) please tell me. Also is my conclusion part about Caltech correctly done? Im not sure if I conveyed my contribution to caltech well enough and if i might have been maybe too wordy. Thanks again!

______________________________________________________________________ ______
Sep 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Caltech Engineering Essay, my ideas to come to fruition [5]

Hello Guys, this is my essay response to the caltech engineering page long essay. I just wanted to know what parts need to be revised and if the essay itself is up to par for a college of this caliber. This is still the beginning of my essay writing so I am still trying to get a hold of the system. This is still a draft so if there are any parts of the essay where the story doesnt flow or the wording is awkward please let me know. Thanks for your help!

In a page, more or less, tell the Admissions Committee how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.

"Buy now and we will double the offer! All for only $19.99!" My eyes fixated to the television set as my ears clung to the distinct hoarse voice of Billy Mays. Often enticed by the unique products sold on his commercials, I was drawn into his new show, Pitchmen, where inventors throughout the United States present their ideas to Billy and his team. By the end of the night I was a torrent of mixed emotions; I applauded that the ideas had never dawned on me, but viewed them thinking, "I could have made that."

The initial thrill of dismantling a device serves as a genesis of engineering passion for most. However, I, at the time, found the maze of complex wiring and indecipherable parts incomprehensible. Instead of stripping apart a remote control car to reveal a dull circuit, I would rather strap on a video camera and take the car for its first unmanned expedition. This idea of assembling parts rather than dismantling them solidified throughout my high school years. Although many aspects regarding the internals of gadgets were intriguing to me, it was more riveting to collect a compilation of parts and repurposing them to introduce a whole new meaning. My innovative spirit, complemented by an adamant 'do-it-yourself' attitude, molded me as an inventor fit to create the next product advertised on television.

The inspiration for this product occurred to me during my physics teacher's demonstration of the Van de Graaff generator. Standing close to the generator throughout the presentation, I felt it tugging at the roots of my hair. It then hit me; couldn't I harness the same electrostatic force and solve a common household problem: excessively shedding pets. I was delighted to solve an issue by creating my own invention. For months, I dwelled in the public library, attempting to understand the principles that Charles Coulomb had, seemingly effortlessly, discovered centuries ago about static electricity. Despite the challenging endeavor, over months of concentrated work, my vague mental image began to solidify into a functional prototype, of course, constructed by repurposing items found around my house. I tore apart a negative ion generator, utilizing its Cockcroft-Walton high voltage generator to power my device, and mounted it on some old PVC piping I had laying around. After I added my other components such as a high voltage relay and copper collector plate, I insulated parts of the model using electrical tape and regular plastic shopping bags; points that would be later replaced with an industry-grade polytetrafluoroethylene coating. Quite frankly, the meticulous effort of prototyping helped me understand the depth of work required to construct one of the inventions that 'I could have made'. Although my passion for inventing blindly drove me down this route, I finally began to appreciate the dedication of the inventors I had previously discredited.

On August 29th, 2010, my application for my electrostatic hair collector finally sat on the desk of the US Patent Office. The long road from inception to construction to recognition provided me with a unique adventure that many others strive to have. Caltech's fabulous engineering department has patented hundreds of their own creations. Inventors such as Dr. Diallo from the Molecular Environmental Technology department, who utilized dendritic cells from human immune system to bind and purify water pathogens, and Professor Morteza Gharib from the Gharib Research Group, who invented a valve-less and blade-less pump which could be used in the circulatory system without damaging red blood cells, have shown me how innovative and dedicated the engineers at Caltech are. With the help from a mature and successful department, I plan to dedicate my time uncovering unique answers to tomorrow's problems. In time, I hope the support from the Caltech engineering department will allow my ideas to come to fruition and, one day, be sold by a pitchman equal to the departed Billy Mays.