Undergraduate / "Jessica won't be there' - Some One Who Has Impacted You [8]

Dear Hillary,
Thank You for the clarification, its just i didn't catch on to it.

Undergraduate / "Jessica won't be there' - Some One Who Has Impacted You [8]

I feel like Juan-Enrique Salazar did most of the corrections but there might be a few. But, i have to say i really love the essay and it so personal and i am glad that your sharing it with us (essayforum) and colleges are going to understand it.

You don't really state how she has impacted your future and you learned things from the situation which is good but how are you going to put that forth in the future.

The first sentence is fine but i was curious as to why they are smiling and at teh same time crying.

Scholarship / "when my mom went to prison..." - Significant setback Essay [5]

Before my mother got to come home from the halfway house my step dad passed away from lung cancer, it killed me when I found out and my mother, because she was unable to go to the funeral. It started like any other day, went to school just as I did every day, but something was different that day. It was raining that morning on the way to school. I had felt some kind of uneasiness all day that day. went home, and when I walked through the door everyone was sitting in the living room talking among themselves, I knew before anyone ever told me what had happened. I walked quietly to my room and began to cry. That was kind of wired to me because I have hardly ever cried in my whole life. It took a very long time for me to make my peace with this and move on. I just could not interpret the fact that he was gone, and there was no thing I could do.

You already tell the reader that your step father passed away so there is no point in telling the readr that you feel uneasy. CHange it around

One day, i went to school just as a i did everyday, but something ws different that day. It was rainging on my way to school. I fellt some kind of uneasiness that day. When i went home and wlked through the door everyone (who is everyon because you say taht the only two people who care about you is your mom and step father) was sitting in the living room talking among themselves, and they told me my step fathr had passed away from lung cancer. I walked quietly to my room and began to cry. That was kind of wired to me because I have hardly ever cried in my whole life.It took a very long time for me to to move on and make amend. I just could not interpret the fact that he was gone, and there was no thing I could do. It has left a deep wound in my heart to lose someone who has helped me go through my mothr's alcoholic issues and he was a father figure that i have always wanted.

----I am sorry, but i added the last sentence to help the reader understand how much your step father meant in your life. It is probably inaccurate bcause i don't know your feelings but i do know how it fels to lose somone who helps you though tough times and then leaves without saying goodbye or someone you will nver see again.

I love your story once again and the situation is recious and it dosn't hppen to most students.

Did you go to your English teacher??????

GO before you turn it in because i am not the best writer and i want you to get the scholarship as much as the next person in line. Good Luck :)

Scholarship / "when my mom went to prison..." - Significant setback Essay [5]

I like the essay but what happened to your mom?
5 = five ..numbers from 1-10 are written out
I feel like you already tell us that your step dad died before the suspense, so reverse it.

It serves no point to go off and hurt yourself or anyone else, would someone you love want you to go off and do something stupid or get hurt in the process.

-because your loved ones do not want to see you hurt.

Try to limit the number of "I"s you use because some of them you don't need.

I really like your story and its an emotional part of your life and you can empasis it a lot and try to get the reader emotionally.

You can add how it felt not to have a mother's support? unless there is a limited number of words

I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / It is not good to move to a new city because you will lose old friends. [4]

I likw it but it can be stronger.
The real reason of breaking up friendship is disconnection and misunderstanding.If a person can keep contact with their old friends and give them emotion or physical support as they encounter troubles, he will have the great opportunity to keep those precious friendships -Disconnection and misunderstandings are the main casues of broken friendship. If a person can keep contact with their old friends and provide emotional support when needed then they will realizethose are the friends you want to keep.

Maybe when they find out their emotion bond still exist after separating in the different city for years, their friendship will be strengthened. - If they recognize the bond they share between each other still exists after seperation, this will strengthen their friendship.

Not only a person wouldn't easy lose friends out of changing city, but his old buddy may come after him if he lives comfortably in new environment. After an individual receives a higher education, a better working opportunity at new place, he probably will become a more competitive person. His friend woulds love to contact with him or even follow him to the new city for those advantages.

- This paragraph doesn't make sense or maybe your having difficulty sending your message.
- easy should be easily
- Your supporting the idea that they will not lose their friends but in thisparagraph your saying that they will

One of my friends starts building new friendship with surrounding people as soon as she moves to New York City.
- A good friend of mine started makeing new friends as soon as she moved to New York City.

After attending many parties and helping several neighbors, she has boarder connections now than before.
- Broader

So if a person worries about being alone after going to strange city, he/she should overcome these troubles by blending in rather than hesitating.

- change it to they
- i really like this sentence

In conclusion, people shouldn't stop going to more suitable living conditions because of fearing to lose old friendship. There are many methods to keep those old friends, and make new friends at the fresh environment. Young adults should embrace the changes happened in their lives and expect new challenges from outside world.

- In conclusion, people shouldn't stop going to a more suitable environment becasue of fear of losing old friends. There are many methods to keep old friends, and make new friends in a new place. Young adults should embrace the changes happening in their lives and expect new challengs from the outside world.

- I love th last sentence

I am sorry if you don't like anything i wrote but rememebr these are only suggestions so you don't have to change anyhting if you don't want to. You seem to have problems with sentence structure...don't worry i do too but i have gotten better. Make sure you don't contradict what your supporting. If you want more help one on one go to your English teacher because someone writing online is different from talking to someone. I hope this helped you and Good Luck CHONG :)

Writing Feedback / Raw food vs Cooked food - How's my intro? [13]

There have been many researches by scientific about eating raw foods that they prevent diseases, how good they are for you, and they contain the actual nutrients that our body needs. After I reveal the fact, raw food will the winner.

- It should be scientist
- For some reason the first two sentences don't balnace out the rest, i mean just make it allittle stronger.
-If this is for biology class then its fine