Posts by swish1500

swish1500

Sep 20, 2010

Graduate / "Marketing is a tool to drive a business forward" - SOP FOR A MBA Marketing [5]

Hello,

Great Essay!!!!...Im guessing this is a Statement of Purpose Essay?? Here are some things I would change. Sorry, if I sound a bit maticulous. Just trying to help.

Coming from a business family I am already embedded with an inane sense about trying to understand consumer needs and demands while at the same time establishing products which try and best fit in with their needs.

I'd say...."...trying to understand consumer needs and demands while establishing products to fulfill their needs"

For the past 3 ˝ years I have been working with my family business and have had the opportunity to closely observe and blend with the established systems already in place.

^^have had..."...and had the opportunity..."

In 2009 the organization started a major project focusing on major aspects like better marketing and packaging controls and more efficient and higher quality production I was part of the team that looked at possible solutions.

^^possibly reword sentence^^ take out the and's and add commas (eg. ...focusing on major aspects like better marketing, packaging controls, and higher efficiency on quality production. )

During the duration of the project I had the opportunity to interact with every level of individual in the line structure this gave me a deep understanding of the functioning and important issues connecting each and everyone one in the chain.

^^ "Throughout the duration of the project, I had the opportunity to interact with all levels of individuals in the line structure. This experiance gave me...."

If you could read over my statement of purpose essay that would be awesome.

Regards,
Spencer

swish1500

Sep 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "Life is a ticket to the greatest show on Earth" -statement of purpose for Texas A&M [3]

Hey,

Good essay. Here are a few things I would change/add. Also, maybe talk about what limits you've had to overcome and how that relates to your current "academic discipline". I don't mean to be too maticulous, just trying to help.

"where I realized why we used to have those long conversations."

"Life has not given me many opportunities which is why I ask you for the opportunity to allow me to prove myself and demonstrate that I am capable of undertaking and competing at any level that you may desire, I want to fully give and expose myself to Texas A&M university and I can assure you that it will not be regretted"

^^^sentence is a run-on^^^ I would put a period here and maybe inform the reader of what they won't regret...maybe say something like this. "desire. I want to fully give and expose myself to Texas A&M University, and can assure you that my accepance will not be regretted"

"Life revolves around ones decisions as for me the decision is to give to others my learned knowledge and experience throughout life."

^^comma after decisions^^ cross out "to" between give and others

maybe reword this sentence...
"I consider that rather than impossible to overpass ones limits is as if the water would turn upside down."

If you could possibly look over my essay that would be awesome.

Regards,
Spencer

P.s I am applying to A&M as well as UT for spring 2011.

swish1500

Sep 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "to expand my knowledge with engineering concepts" - University of Texas at Austin [3]

Hello,

I am in the proccess of applying to UT, and would like some advise/criticism on my statement of purpose essay.

Topic A:
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admission committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey.

My Essay:
Aspiring to achieve something that few or no people have done before, and "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift"(Steve Prefontaine) are mottos that hold true in my life's endeavors because the taste of victory is much sweeter when you commit time and effort to obtain a goal.

Since the summer of 2007, I have been attending Austin Community College in hope of transferring into one of the top universities in Texas. During this time at ACC I have done a lot of soul searching, and have really thought about where I will end up with a certain type of education. Not only where this education will take me, but if I am going to enjoy that field of work in my later years. Although my desires have changed, I have found that courses involving mathematics and applied sciences are the ones of most interest to me. These past three years of community college have significantly strengthened my academic discipline as it has taught me the importance of time management and dedication it takes to be competitive in college level academics.

My parents raised me to acknowledge that success is earned, not handed out. Understanding this, you can understand my aggressive personality in obtaining my dreams. During the winter of 2009, I dabbled my toes in the adventures of backcountry backpacking going on two different multi-day trips in Big Bend. Although these trips were challenging and rewarding, this accomplishment wasn't enough for me after learning of other backpacking trips around the country. After a little research, my buddies and I were set on summiting Longs Peak which tops out at 14,255 feet. Needless to say I was in good physical condition and had all the right gear, but I didn't have a clue of how tough it would be. After climbing 4,000 feet over seven miles, I finally reached the top. Taking that last step to the top was the most exhilarating feeling, and one of the greatest personal achievements of my life to realize how far the human body can be pushed if you have the right mental attitude. Learning this about myself, I am now curious to know how far I can take my academics if I put in the same effort that it took me to get to the top of that mountain.

Extracurricular activities during high school and my love of outdoors define me as a person and are definitely contributing factors to my character and academic success. For instance, you are not allowed to play sports unless you are passing all your classes; like my mother always says "school comes first!" The motivation to succeed in the class room so I could step on that field come game day, helped me establish my serious composure in my college studies. Also, school sports taught me to really sit down and prioritize time commitments because having too much on your plate could set yourself up for failure. I learned very quickly of commitment issues after I broke my hand during football practice while I had a commitment to my cross-country team.

Even though I finished out the cross-country season with a cast on, I still let the football team down.
Throughout the years, my goals and dreams always play a huge role in my life's direction. While everybody has a purpose in life whether it's a teacher, lawyer, professional athlete, or even a fast-food employee, I believe my current purpose is to expand my knowledge with engineering concepts that will enable me to improve our society.