"to expand my knowledge with engineering concepts" - University of Texas at Austin

Hello,

I am in the proccess of applying to UT, and would like some advise/criticism on my statement of purpose essay.

Topic A:
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admission committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey.

My Essay:
Aspiring to achieve something that few or no people have done before, and "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift"(Steve Prefontaine) are mottos that hold true in my life's endeavors because the taste of victory is much sweeter when you commit time and effort to obtain a goal.

Since the summer of 2007, I have been attending Austin Community College in hope of transferring into one of the top universities in Texas. During this time at ACC I have done a lot of soul searching, and have really thought about where I will end up with a certain type of education. Not only where this education will take me, but if I am going to enjoy that field of work in my later years. Although my desires have changed, I have found that courses involving mathematics and applied sciences are the ones of most interest to me. These past three years of community college have significantly strengthened my academic discipline as it has taught me the importance of time management and dedication it takes to be competitive in college level academics.

My parents raised me to acknowledge that success is earned, not handed out. Understanding this, you can understand my aggressive personality in obtaining my dreams. During the winter of 2009, I dabbled my toes in the adventures of backcountry backpacking going on two different multi-day trips in Big Bend. Although these trips were challenging and rewarding, this accomplishment wasn't enough for me after learning of other backpacking trips around the country. After a little research, my buddies and I were set on summiting Longs Peak which tops out at 14,255 feet. Needless to say I was in good physical condition and had all the right gear, but I didn't have a clue of how tough it would be. After climbing 4,000 feet over seven miles, I finally reached the top. Taking that last step to the top was the most exhilarating feeling, and one of the greatest personal achievements of my life to realize how far the human body can be pushed if you have the right mental attitude. Learning this about myself, I am now curious to know how far I can take my academics if I put in the same effort that it took me to get to the top of that mountain.

Extracurricular activities during high school and my love of outdoors define me as a person and are definitely contributing factors to my character and academic success. For instance, you are not allowed to play sports unless you are passing all your classes; like my mother always says "school comes first!" The motivation to succeed in the class room so I could step on that field come game day, helped me establish my serious composure in my college studies. Also, school sports taught me to really sit down and prioritize time commitments because having too much on your plate could set yourself up for failure. I learned very quickly of commitment issues after I broke my hand during football practice while I had a commitment to my cross-country team.

Even though I finished out the cross-country season with a cast on, I still let the football team down.
Throughout the years, my goals and dreams always play a huge role in my life's direction. While everybody has a purpose in life whether it's a teacher, lawyer, professional athlete, or even a fast-food employee, I believe my current purpose is to expand my knowledge with engineering concepts that will enable me to improve our society.

First of all mate i think the essays really reflects who you are its a very interesting read and i really got lost in the essay it really relflects everything about you and why u want to do well academically i have tried to point a few things i hope it will be relevant to u..

I'd say The past 3 years in community college have significantly strengthened my academic ambition and given me a perspective about time management and dedication it takes to be competitive in college level academics.


I the last part of the sentence could be changed to I am confident that if i put in the same effort i will succeed academically.Extra curricular activities during high school and my love of outdoors define me as a person and are defining factors which have shaped my personality and contributed to my academic success.


Like my mother always said...


I learned very quickly of commitment issues after I broke my hand during football practice while I had a commitment to my cross-country team.
Even though I finished out the cross-country season with a cast on, I still let the football team down.
^^^^^^
i feel the above part is redundant and takes the point away a bit...
Throughout the years, my goals and dreams always play a huge role in my life's direction. While everybody has a purpose in life whether it's a teacher, lawyer, professional athlete, or even a fast-food employee, I believe my current purpose is to expand my knowledge with engineering concepts that will enable me to improve our society.[/quote]

I guess if this was mine I would invest another sentence into this first paragraph, and divide this sentence into 3, so that it is easier to manage (for you and for the reader). I think you should take your time in the intro and tell the reader about the insight that led to this conclusion about the benefit of making a commitment, etc. Just add another sentence or two! :-)


This is what you should focus on more. This is your purpose. You should tell them the specifics about a methodically designed plan for this year and the coming years. Only mention your experiences briefly as ways of explaining your purpose. Revise so that the purpose is expressed in the intro, and explain the components of your plan when you write the body paragraphs. Know what I mean? You can say the same things you have said, but say them as explanations for the parts of your plan (i.e. plan for achieving your purpose.)