Posts by MaKeVi

MaKeVi

Dec 21, 2010

Undergraduate / "I am the master of my fate + Communication technology" - Brown Supplements [5]

Hey guys! I've revamped my second short answer entirely, tell me what you think!

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above?

My curiosity in people as well as my desire to help others led me to an interest in the field of sociology. I am naturally inclined to watching the relationships around me, and an education in sociology would help me transform this interest into a passion that is both vital and pragmatic.

Sociology is constantly evolving. From generation to generation, values constantly change, as do the reactions and decisions that such values influence. Recent technological advancements- with the unprecedented avenues of communication they create-only serve to heighten these gaps. Thus, the sociologist must be a pioneer as well as a historian, and his job is not only to learn from the past, but to discover from the present as well. In this golden age of interpersonal connections and global networking, there are gold mines of knowledge to be discovered-I anticipate jumping into the fray and learning about the most intriguing subject of all: ourselves.

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MaKeVi

Dec 20, 2010

Undergraduate / Any Topic - "Growing Up With Dumplings" [7]

Nope, I live in New Jersey! And yeah though you made your first dumpling when you were two, and five was when you began participating regularly, that sentence does leave an air of ambiguity and allows the reader (aka the AO) to guess and put their own bias into this. NEVER give them that chance, make it more clear.

Look forward to seeing another version!

MaKeVi

Dec 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "the interconnectedness of the Core" What Appeals To Me About Columbia [4]

I believe you mean 1700 characters? And what is the limit for this supplement, such information would help whoever is reviewing your essay greatly. For the sake of others, I will put it up here.

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why (1500 Characters):

The introductory paragraph is good, it is a novel approach and you have written it well.
Just some edits to your second paragraph that will help shorten things up.

I'm also in love with the intellectual offerings ~~that lie under Columbia's façade, most notably~~of the Core. ~~I love the rigidity of energy conservation while at the same adore the nuances of Invisible Man. I engross myself into readings about the Cuban Missile Crisis as well as articles about street fashion.~~I am a student with many interests (for instance I enjoy reading about the Cuban Missile Crisis and street fashion) and the Core allows me to maintain my obsessions while simultaneously helping me discover new ones. It'll expose me to aspects I haven't seen yet of the subjects that I love. Most importantly to me though is the interconnectedness of the Core~~. Not just the one on campus, but the one that~~ , which encompasses every Columbia alumni. I want that experience of seamlessly conversing about the Symposium by Plato with a graduate from four decades ago. For someone like me who revels in ~~meeting and~~ interacting with people, the Core stands unrivaled.

MaKeVi

Dec 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "Playing sports is like being in a relationship" - Rice Perspective Essay [2]

Hey Guys!
I'm applying to Rice, and I would like someone to help edit my Rice essay.
R+R :]. Thanks!

The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)

Playing sports is like being in a relationship: The more you give, the more you receive. In eighth grade, I had not quite understood the importance of this idea, and I treated football like a hobby, missing practices and games for juvenile reasons like a camping trip or a movie night. Understandably, I was dumped, and by the middle of the season I had lost my position as starting offensive guard and had been relegated to a new position: benchwarmer. The second half of the season was insufferable, and with every passing game I felt more humiliation as I made the steel bench my home. At the last game of the season, I cried despite the fact that we won. Angrily, I swore that I would never play football again.

The next fall, in my freshman year of high school, I was presented again with the prospect of playing football. Still bitter from the previous season, I felt that I had no incentive to play. But despite my animosity towards the game, I had played it for six years already, and the strange and frightening concept of a fall season without football convinced me to try it again.

Humbled from what had happened the previous season, I worked hard during the preseason practices and earned my first career defensive start as an outside linebacker. I felt at ease playing the defensive position, and through it I rediscovered my joy in playing the game. I began looking forward to football practices, and during long school days I would often catch myself glancing at the clock, counting down the minutes. I appreciated the many facets of the game: its paradoxical combination of vicious physicality with mental awareness, the camaraderie of the team, and the competitive nature. When the freshman football season ended, I continued my commitment to football in offseason training, attending lifting sessions in the school year and practices in the summer.

In the following four years, my passion for football grew, and my commitment to the program did as well. In my senior year, I was voted to be a team captain in recognition of my hard work. I had come a long way from the young adolescent who merely participated in football but did not become involved in it. Now, I was a capable leader who was willing to sacrifice my own needs for the team. Football also shaped other aspects of my high school career. I carried over the intensity and commitment from football into my other sport, lacrosse, as well as my participation in my Junior Statesmen of America club and my volunteering at my local church, intensifying my involvement and impact in each. And through the academic crunch that I experienced every fall, I learned to organize my schedule and manage my time, a skill that has proved extremely useful. I played football to become a better football player, but it has paid me in dividends by helping me to become a better person as well.

I bring this perspective of commitment to Rice University. Through football, I have not only learned how to give time to something, but also the importance of having passion. At Rice University, I will not be just a student, but an active member in the Rice Community, because I have learned that the more I give, the more I will receive.

MaKeVi

Dec 20, 2010

Undergraduate / Any Topic - "Growing Up With Dumplings" [7]

In your opening paragraph, you talk about your first dumpling being at two years old, and then later on you mention how it appeals to your five-year-old self. Is that a typo or do you mean that?

Overall I think it's a good essay, but it can do with some editing.

"Growing older and acquiring new skills meant greater responsibilities, but at five years old, I was proud to accept this change and work alongside the adults. " I'm not very sure about how the first part of this sentence relates to the second the way that the word "but" would imply.

Overall I like the concept of the dumpling. I am a Chinese American as well, and I understand the importance of dumplings in family life, and the central role of the kitchen as well. Every year, my family cooks dumplings for thanksgiving instead of turkey XD.

I agree with you in that your conclusion needs touching up. Personally, I think that you should take out the statement "when I become a mother, i will pass the tradition on to my children" and instead put in a statement talking about how dumplings will guide your general future. This will make your final sentence, which reminisces the origin of things, that much more powerful.

MaKeVi

Dec 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "I am the master of my fate + Communication technology" - Brown Supplements [5]

Hello! I'm applying to Brown and here are the two drafts that I've written for the supplement questions. I really need help! Thanks, R+R :]!

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 Characters Maximum)

One of my favorite poets, William Henley once wrote "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I understand that college is a time of education and preparation for a career. Yet I enter college reflecting Henley's sentiments: it is a time for self-discovery and independence as well.

Brown University, with its spirit of free inquiry and its unique open curriculum, endows students with the responsibility of choosing their own courses, essentially making them "captains" of their education. I do not claim to know what I want to do in the future, but I want to pave my path with my own decisions and choices by taking full advantage of the academic independence offered at Brown. I enter college as a lost ship, and Brown will allow me to take the wheel and navigate my way through the unknown seas.

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Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above? (1000 Characters Maximum)

During the past fifty years, communication has changed drastically with the advent of new technologies such as cell phones and computers, and with innovations like email, online chatting, and texting. Relationships have followed suit: many now interact through online social networks such as Facebook; even dating has been moved to the Internet with websites like eHarmony.

As a sociology enthusiast, nothing could be more exciting than these new forms of communication. Relationships...
...

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