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Posts by cyclechick7
Joined: Oct 13, 2010
Last Post: Oct 24, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: United States of America

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cyclechick7   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Business education + visual art - Emory supplement: why us? [3]

Your essay is very good for only being 250 words! You use great diction, and the sentence structure is excellent! However, as this essay is about you and your interests, for the first few sentences, I would dive right in to telling Emory College all about you, versus your search to find the right college. I know I had a difficult time with this when I was applying to FSU, and had to condense my life story into 500 words(hard for me, because I write a lot!) I am very impressed with your essay and hope the following revisions will help you perfect it!

Unlike many students, I have never visited Emory's campus. But as I sifted through literally hundreds of universities, Emory appealed to me as a perfect match. Drawn by the admission representative's unswayable enthusiasm for the school , I was further lured by the picturesque booklets I received from Emory. As I researched the university more throughly, I also fell in love with its academic opportunities and close-knit community. Although I already had my education and career goals in mind, I was excited to learn that I could pursue a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration with the Goizueta Business School. I felt that with Emory's liberal arts foundation and Goizueta's intensive business curriculum, I could be well rounded while following my business ambitions.

Also, with the university's flexibility in majors and minors, I discovered my wish to continue my love of the visual arts was not so unrealistic anymore. I could pursue both a business education in Goizueta and a minor in visual art. The university's vibrant student life and unique activities such as Outdoor Emory also appealed to me greatly. Not only do I wish to study in an academically esteemed university, but I also wish to be a part of a lively community. I have chosen Emory because I believe it has all the components of what I hope to accomplish in my college experience.
cyclechick7   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Deaf at Age 5-UF Admissions Essay [3]

Imagine your life as a deaf person, unable to hear, surrounded by a sea of faces and mobile mouths forming words beyond comprehension. Try as you might to make sense of the world around you, you feel as if you are an illegal alien, trapped in a country where people are oblivious to your silent cry for help. Although I was only five when this incident occurred, I will never forget how life altering it truly was, and remember that each day as a healthy individual is a gift to be cherished.

The summer of 1998 should've been a happy one, yet for me it was nightmarish. It all began with an innocent twinge in my ears while driving to gymnastics. Because it didn't hurt, I dismissed it a minor inconvenience and ran off to play. When I woke up the next morning, I instantly knew something was amiss. The pain in my ears was so horrible I began to sob, and was shocked when I couldn't hear myself crying. Almost instantly, I was transported to the ENT'S office, where my doctor peered inside my ears to find the problem. Although I couldn't hear what was said, I knew the prognosis was grim and I was in danger of losing my hearing permanently. I was immediately scheduled for surgery that Friday.

When I awoke from anesthesia, my ears were filled with a celestial music. I opened my eyes, discovering my mother and a crowd of doctors praying over me. Elated at the return of my hearing, I spoke aloud-"That music is beautiful Mommy! Where is it coming from?" The doctors cheered, and I was told later that during my operation, my ENT had nearly lost hope that I would ever hear normally. That day was truly a miracle, and I will never forget the heavenly music I heard.

My experience was profound, teaching me to never take anything for granted. From that day forward, every sound made an impact on me, and I began to pay attention to the things that truly mattered in life, like character. As a result of the incident, I learned to play the flute and be part of a marching band, inspired by the music I'd heard. For my coming days at UF, the experience has provided me the empathy needed to associate with deaf students and share my story. It has also helped grow my character, and aid me with kindness to my peers, as well as strengthening my tolerance for new trials I will face in my upcoming college years. On campus, I hope to become an ambassador for the deaf and be an example to other students in all my actions. It is my dream to pursue a degree in health sciences and enter the UF College of Medicine where I may someday discover a cure for deafness. By attending UF, I will fulfill my lifelong dream to become an ENT, just like the doctors who saved my hearing so long ago.
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