Undergraduate / "finding employment in the medical field" - UC Prompt #1 [4]

CHANGE the first paragraph. It needs to sound more interesting, or the reader won't bother reading your essay. There were technical errors in a few places, including grammatical errors and tense inconsistencies. And you might want to tone down on the altruistic tone and put in some more passion. Society in general would tend to regard your ideals as noble - and the admissions officer might think that you're making up all this, because you know people like people who want to help everyone. You need to convey the genuineness of your feelings in tone.

Also, I would remove "passion for the human body" from the last line - you've used it once before, and it sounds painfully overused already.

Undergraduate / "father-to-son relationship with my father" - U.C. Prompt #1 [3]

Somehow, it doesn't seem right. Read the prompt. It says, "Tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." You didn't talk about that anywhere in the essay at all. Also, I would like to add that your choice of topic was fairly banal, and frankly did not say much about you. I understand your father inspired you in a way to do well. But you have to tell us WHAT exactly you want to do, and how it's relevant to YOUR WORLD.

Undergraduate / "My intellectual curiosity, Doorbells" - Personal Statement [6]

Nicely expressed, although I would recommend making the first paragraph a bit more engaging - to ensure that admissions officers won't be able to take their eyes away from the screen for a moment. Some of the sentences were a bit boring, starting with the first: "I've always been a bit different" strikes me as possibly the most hackneyed opening sentence an applicant could write. As a suggestion, I'll rephrase the rest of the paragraph down here. You can work on it, if you like. I would also recommend revising the entire essay once again to make the transitions seamless. I like it, by the way. There are some very nice nuances in it that bring out the depth of your character and curiosity.

I would also recommend not overusing the word "curiosity". It's the theme of your essay - your reader is supposed to get that. Finding it all over the essay makes the reader think you're giving that facet of your personality more importance than it deserves.

Those were just suggestions. Even still, there seems to be a disconnect somewhere that you will need to fix. Your ideas seem to trip over each other, and emerge with noticeable effort. And don't overdo the fly analogy, for the same reason as I told you not to overuse the word "curiosity".

Okay, that's about it. Work on the first paragraph, and work on making the essay seamless and consistently engaging.

Undergraduate / "my classes were no longer difficult" - 250 word essays on academic performance [8]

You missed the point in your essay. Between the first and last lines, you described the transition between an overconfident and prideful student who effortlessly excelled in everything, to one who genuinely appreciated the value of hard work. The starting portions of the essay capture some rather negative qualities, which remains unaffected by your supposed reformation later on. The only redeeming part of your essay was where you admitted that your past notions were wrong - but you only mentioned that at the end briefly, almost like an afterthought. The essay basically goes like this: overconfident student - overconfident student whose self-esteem has just taken a hit - overconfident student who now appreciates the value of effort. You see, despite the fact that you're trying to tell the reader that you no longer believe in results without input, the tone of your essay suggests no little degree of overconfidence.

I would suggest that you change the tone of essay from one of complacency to one of remorse - suggesting that you truly regret having thought the way you did back in high school. Secondly - and this is the more important piece of advice - focus on the transition more. You talked about being eclipsed by others, but even those portions were written dispassionately.

You really could write a good, concise essay in just 250 words.

Undergraduate / Utilizing critical thinking skills to resolve an issue [3]

While you've answered the question well - rightly conveying the bafflement you felt at not getting the desired result - I think the language was a bit too technical. I appreciate the fact that you need to use jargon to bring out the essense of what you want to write about, it's likely that admissions officers would not understand it at first read. Furthermore, it might even come across as equivocation. So I think you need to tone down the jargon a little, and then you'll be good.

Undergraduate / "Music is a necessity for me" - Stanford: future roommate short essay [4]

My comments are in red.

We'll have nine months to get to know each other better delete "better" - you're not supposed to know them at all. , but we have ...

My brain works on several different levels at once, and listening to music helps to keep me cognizant and focused on one task. Reword the last bit so that it doesn't sound like it's contradicting the first An innumerable amount of times "times" is countable - therefore, say, "innumerable number" I have shocked myself to find I already completed my calculus homework or biology project while the entire time I had been analyzing the latest story for my English class and mentally drafting an essay. The last sentence doesn't add much meaning to the essay.

Sometimes breaks are a necessity just say, "are necessary" for my mental sanity Redundancy: "sanity" will do. .

Swimming, diving, biking, hiking, running, yoga, and, ever since I saw The Matrix, I have wanted to take up Kung Fu.This last sentence seems rather off. Swimming, biking, hiking - what? The only thing in that sentence that has any relation to The Matrix is Kung Fu.

I have a wide variety of interest interests and I am always open to trying new things, There should have been a period here - not a comma. hopefully we can learn from each other and show each other something new.The last words seemed a little weak.

You pay too much attention to only certain facets of your personality and interests. For instance, you used the word "break" in three sentences. I also noticed that you crossed the word limit (250, I think), which is probably because of the verbosity of the essay. You need to work on that more than anything else.

Undergraduate / "The Limit Does Not Exist" Common App Activity Essay [13]

Hi. By that I was referring to the central theme of your essay. It's a good theme. But since the prompt asks you to elaborate on one of your extarcurricular activities, whatever lessons you might have learned from T&F should be directly connected with the sport. It's good that you learned to be more confident in yourself through T&F. But I don't think readers will easily appreciate your obsession with the records. When you begin with "Why did you join?" the response the reader naturally expects is that you liked T&F. Your essay in effect suggests that you're indifferent to T&F. It doesn't matter to you if you chose swimming, or basketball, or football instead, since it's the records you care about.

What you're implying in your reply right now is that you would have left T&F after the first year, if you had failed to surpass yourself. Doesn't that sound kind of defeatist to you? Colleges look for positive qualities, like determination, perseverence in spite of extreme adversity, and so on. What you wrote here might be the truth, but it wouldn't necessarily impress the admissions officer.

The purpose of this essay is to find out what kind of activities you are good at or passionate about, and how well you express that passion. A blind obsession with game statistics is the equivalent of wanting to join a good college just to make good money later on.

The lesson you learned through T&F is good. But T&F here is used as an expression for the lesson, when it should have been the focus of the essay.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Undergraduate / "The Limit Does Not Exist" Common App Activity Essay [13]

What you're conveying here is that T&F is important to you, because you realize through it that there is no limit to what you can do. But somehow there seems to be greater focus on the RECORDS than on T&F itself. Your obsession with statistics does not really say much about why you chose T&F specifically - which is ironically the question you answered at the end. I could substitute any other sport for T&F, and your essay would essentially be the same.

The fact that you were surprised (every year!) at surpassing yourself suggests that you didn't have much confidence in your abilities. It doesn't imply any kind of determination, because determination is the product of a conscious mind.

Suggestions: Leave the Q-A pair intact. What you need to do is say that surpassing your records was a CONSEQUENCE, a BYPRODUCT, of your passion for T&F, and not what drove you to play (couldn't think of another word) it.

Good luck. I like the concept and your writing style, and really think you can do better.

Undergraduate / "My father: my friend and advisor" - a person who had a significant influence on you [5]

My comments are in red.

There are many people who effected my life, such as teachers, friends, celebrities and so on. However, these people always inspired me for only short terms. A person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. His influence on me cannot be compared to that of any others. How you begin your essay is very important. The reader must feel compelled to read on. This isn't a very interesting way to start an essay. Moreover, there are at least two technical errors in these lines alone: "effected" should have been "affected"; eliminate the comma after "life" in the third sentence.

Firstly, my father and I are just like best friends. All of my friends get surprised when they hear our conversations. They always say that they envy me because they haven't seen any other father and daughter this close. "This close"? Vague. Since I trust my father so much and since we talk a lot, I noticed that I was taking over my father's behavior. The following sentences don't support this. Rather, they suggest that your father was taking over your mother's responsibilities - not that you were taking after your father. My mother died when I was a very little girl and since then my father has being taking care of me. My father has taken me through life, he has taught me different things in life.He has been my only parent and mentor. Although sometimes I wish my mother were here but I know my father tries his very best to be my mother and at the same time my father. Too many HEs in this paragraph. It makes the essay a little drab. Also, I think saying "firstly", "secondly", and so on creates a forced continuity. It breaks the flow. Secondly, he is the one who taught me how to live out in this world. He taught me to be brave at trying out new things. He Maybe you could mention the things he taught you? always told me that being different from others is nothing to worry about,and never to give up because of other people's strange sights. What strange sights? Does this have something to do with your self-perception, or what you believe are others' perceptions of you? What exactly discourages you? It has now became one of my faith. Everyday he tells me ''live life to the fullest do not let your Technical innacuracy. It should have been "every day". The word "everyday" is an adjective. Also, there should have been a period after "fullest". environment change you change your environment'' Again, there should have been a period before "change". And what sort of environment are you talking about? Vague. Lastly, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't (for) my father's support and unconditinal love. Instead, I would have been "a big frog in a little pond". Before I came to lekki british international Capitalize the name. High school, I used think that I was better than everyone else, but when I got to lekki British Not writing the full name of the school gives the impression that you are not committed. life changed for me. My father told me: not everyone will like me; This is reported speech ("My father told me:"). Since your father is talking to you, use "you" in place of "me". there will always be people out there waiting for your failure to come This verb is vague. or waiting for you to fail- and in truth there were people there who did not like me, Why? This isn't the first time you mentioned that people don't like you. Is there something colleges should know about you? How about putting your father's words in quotation marks? Otherwise it's difficult to register the transition from your father's words to yours. However, when I almost began to think that I was the best again, my father was the one who lead past tense of "lead" = "led" me to a "larger stream". What does "larger stream" mean? If it wasn't him, I would have been a just a big frog full of self-conceit. Thanks to him, I'm now attending this terrific high school, Haven't you mentioned this a bit too many times? Your essay seems to be going in circles. competing with other students.Sometimes I would cry after failing a test and my father would call me and sit me down and give me a long speech and after he would tell me ''There are no failures just experiences and your reactions to them." and I Technical inaccuracies: punctuation, mainly. believed him because there are no failures its just our experiences and our reactions to them. This is redundant. Writing "and I believed him" would have sufficed. I imagined someone else scoring what I did on the test and I realised that that person might have been motivated to do better in the next test.I don't get what you're trying to say. My father is not only my best friend but also a great advisor in my life. To me, he deserves more respect than any other great man in the world. He is the person who has influenced my life most and he forever will be my advisor in the future.Even now I have realised that fathers are a gift from GOD.GOD put them there for a reason and I have been blessed with one which I dearly love. Okay, now it's important that you understand what I'm trying to say: The essay fails to elicit an emotional reaction from the reader. You may truly venerate your father, but I couldn't see any of that passion in your essay. Also, citing your parents as the people who have influenced you is something a lot of people are going to write about. The thing is, everyone knows that your parents are usually the ones who take care of you, love you, raise you, inspire you, etc. We don't need to be told the obvious. If there's something truly special about your father - something that has truly had a signficant effect on you, as your essay seemed to indicate, or some aspect of your relationship that you think is UNIQUE - you should try and make your essay sound different from the hoards of other "my father is my best friend" essays. Tell the admissions officers WHY you think your father is the best in the world. Vague statements like "My father has taught me great things" are never going to impress them. You may know what those great things are, but your reader doesn't - and that makes all the difference in the world.

Structurally, your essay came across as inconsistent and repetitious. As I mentioned in red, your use of "firstly", "finally", etc. makes the essay seem textbook-ish and argumentative, when it should have been passionate. I would advise going for a tone that could make someone cry without overdoing it and making it too sentimental. The thing is, the reader has to FEEL what you're trying to express - which you could never achieve, if you alienated him or her by being vague or dispassionate. Also, your essay has an underlying tone of self-deprecation. The college application has no room for self-deprecation. Emerging from a difficult situation does not necessarily imply self-deprecation.

Also, you have made quite a few technical errors, so I would suggest that you find a proofreader to make appropriate corrections in your essay. It may sound hypercritical, but a technically sound essay is much more likely to earn you admission than one that is peppered with errors, regardless of content.

Sorry if you felt offended. In-depth reviews can be intimidating, and I tend to say a lot.

Good luck.