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"My father: my friend and advisor" - a person who had a significant influence on you


doyin1 8 / 18  
Oct 25, 2010   #1
Indicate a person who had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

There are many people who effected my life, such as teachers, friends, celebrities and so on. However, these people always inspired me for only short terms. A person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. His influence on me cannot be compared to that of any others.

Firstly, my father and I are just like best friends. All of my friends get surprised when they hear our conversation. They always say that they envy me because they haven't seen any other father and daughter this close. Since I trust my father so much and since we talk a lot, I noticed that I was taking over my father's behavior. My mother died when I was a very little girl and since then my father has being taking care of me.

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vpbajaj - / 3  
Oct 25, 2010   #2
compare with the original and you will recognize the corrections. maybe you should explain the words that i have put in double quotes.

Lastly, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't my father's support and unconditinal love. Instead, I would have been "a big frog in a little pond". Before I came to lekki british international High school, I used think that I was better than everyone else, but when I got to lekki British, life changed for me. My father told me: not everyone will like me; there will always be people out there waiting for your failure to come or waiting for you to fail- And in truth there were people there who did not like me, but because of the words my father said to me, I was ready to face the world and stand up for myself. However, when I almost began to think that I was the best again, my father was the one who lead me to a "larger stream". If it wasn't him, I would have been a just a big frog full of self-conceit. Thanks to him, I'm now attending this terrific high school, competing with other students.
dumi 1 / 6,924 1592  
Oct 26, 2010   #3
Hi,

You write;
There are many people who effected my life, such as teachers, friends, celebrities and so on.However, these people always inspired me for only short terms. AThe person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. A person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. His influence on me cannot be compared to that of any others.

I think this para has some vocabulary and grammer issues. So I re-write your idea and please see what I am suggesting;

Although there are many people who had some inspiration on my life such as teachers, friends and celebrities, none of these people had a long lasting influence on me. It is the influence of my father that shaped my entire life and he still remains as my main inspiration.

You have a good case to write about the person who has a significant influence on you. Your points are very good and inspiring too. If you polish grammer and vocabulary a bit more, this essay would turn out to be a real good one. Good Luck!!
mariatateno 6 / 35  
Oct 26, 2010   #4
Although sometimes I wish my mother were here but I know my father tries his very best to be my mother and at the same time my father.

Should be:
Although sometimes I wish my mother were here, I know my father tries his very best in being my mother and father at the same time.

Try to use more sophisticated vocab??
but nice idea/context!!

please read my thread and tell me what you think of my essay!!
Kaiser - / 9  
Oct 26, 2010   #5
My comments are in red.

There are many people who effected my life, such as teachers, friends, celebrities and so on. However, these people always inspired me for only short terms. A person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. His influence on me cannot be compared to that of any others. How you begin your essay is very important. The reader must feel compelled to read on. This isn't a very interesting way to start an essay. Moreover, there are at least two technical errors in these lines alone: "effected" should have been "affected"; eliminate the comma after "life" in the third sentence.

Firstly, my father and I are just like best friends. All of my friends get surprised when they hear our conversations. They always say that they envy me because they haven't seen any other father and daughter this close. "This close"? Vague. Since I trust my father so much and since we talk a lot, I noticed that I was taking over my father's behavior. The following sentences don't support this. Rather, they suggest that your father was taking over your mother's responsibilities - not that you were taking after your father. My mother died when I was a very little girl and since then my father has being taking care of me. My father has taken me through life, he has taught me different things in life.He has been my only parent and mentor. Although sometimes I wish my mother were here but I know my father tries his very best to be my mother and at the same time my father. Too many HEs in this paragraph. It makes the essay a little drab. Also, I think saying "firstly", "secondly", and so on creates a forced continuity. It breaks the flow. Secondly, he is the one who taught me how to live out in this world. He taught me to be brave at trying out new things. He Maybe you could mention the things he taught you? always told me that being different from others is nothing to worry about,and never to give up because of other people's strange sights. What strange sights? Does this have something to do with your self-perception, or what you believe are others' perceptions of you? What exactly discourages you? It has now became one of my faith. Everyday he tells me ''live life to the fullest do not let your Technical innacuracy. It should have been "every day". The word "everyday" is an adjective. Also, there should have been a period after "fullest". environment change you change your environment'' Again, there should have been a period before "change". And what sort of environment are you talking about? Vague. Lastly, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't (for) my father's support and unconditinal love. Instead, I would have been "a big frog in a little pond". Before I came to lekki british international Capitalize the name. High school, I used think that I was better than everyone else, but when I got to lekki British Not writing the full name of the school gives the impression that you are not committed. life changed for me. My father told me: not everyone will like me; This is reported speech ("My father told me:"). Since your father is talking to you, use "you" in place of "me". there will always be people out there waiting for your failure to come This verb is vague. or waiting for you to fail- and in truth there were people there who did not like me, Why? This isn't the first time you mentioned that people don't like you. Is there something colleges should know about you? How about putting your father's words in quotation marks? Otherwise it's difficult to register the transition from your father's words to yours. However, when I almost began to think that I was the best again, my father was the one who lead past tense of "lead" = "led" me to a "larger stream". What does "larger stream" mean? If it wasn't him, I would have been a just a big frog full of self-conceit. Thanks to him, I'm now attending this terrific high school, Haven't you mentioned this a bit too many times? Your essay seems to be going in circles. competing with other students.Sometimes I would cry after failing a test and my father would call me and sit me down and give me a long speech and after he would tell me ''There are no failures just experiences and your reactions to them." and I Technical inaccuracies: punctuation, mainly. believed him because there are no failures its just our experiences and our reactions to them. This is redundant. Writing "and I believed him" would have sufficed. I imagined someone else scoring what I did on the test and I realised that that person might have been motivated to do better in the next test.I don't get what you're trying to say. My father is not only my best friend but also a great advisor in my life. To me, he deserves more respect than any other great man in the world. He is the person who has influenced my life most and he forever will be my advisor in the future.Even now I have realised that fathers are a gift from GOD.GOD put them there for a reason and I have been blessed with one which I dearly love. Okay, now it's important that you understand what I'm trying to say: The essay fails to elicit an emotional reaction from the reader. You may truly venerate your father, but I couldn't see any of that passion in your essay. Also, citing your parents as the people who have influenced you is something a lot of people are going to write about. The thing is, everyone knows that your parents are usually the ones who take care of you, love you, raise you, inspire you, etc. We don't need to be told the obvious. If there's something truly special about your father - something that has truly had a signficant effect on you, as your essay seemed to indicate, or some aspect of your relationship that you think is UNIQUE - you should try and make your essay sound different from the hoards of other "my father is my best friend" essays. Tell the admissions officers WHY you think your father is the best in the world. Vague statements like "My father has taught me great things" are never going to impress them. You may know what those great things are, but your reader doesn't - and that makes all the difference in the world.

Structurally, your essay came across as inconsistent and repetitious. As I mentioned in red, your use of "firstly", "finally", etc. makes the essay seem textbook-ish and argumentative, when it should have been passionate. I would advise going for a tone that could make someone cry without overdoing it and making it too sentimental. The thing is, the reader has to FEEL what you're trying to express - which you could never achieve, if you alienated him or her by being vague or dispassionate. Also, your essay has an underlying tone of self-deprecation. The college application has no room for self-deprecation. Emerging from a difficult situation does not necessarily imply self-deprecation.

Also, you have made quite a few technical errors, so I would suggest that you find a proofreader to make appropriate corrections in your essay. It may sound hypercritical, but a technically sound essay is much more likely to earn you admission than one that is peppered with errors, regardless of content.

Sorry if you felt offended. In-depth reviews can be intimidating, and I tend to say a lot.

Good luck.


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