Undergraduate / "my neighbor Victor" - write an essay on someone thats impacted your life and why [4]

Life is a long journey. The choices we make will end up having a great impact
on our future as individuals and the people we meet through that road will have
the same effect as the choices we made.They will influence us whether it be
good or bad.People will come and go, but the ones that stay, well they stay and help you mold your life into the perfect sculpture of art.We run into these

people and theywho change our views on life for the better. T hey care for us,cherish us,protect us and above all love us as their own brother or sister .

I' ve known my neighbor Victor for almost all my life. H e is my childhood friend,my best friend,and my older brother.I consider him as part of my family because he has been there for me almost all my life. He livesonly a couple of houses down

from mine, but it seems as if he has always been living in mine.Whether it was
schoolwork,heartbreaks or divorce between my parents he taught me how to get through the hard times of life and escape. (You deal with your problems not run away, right ^.^?)

V ictor was my role model. E verything he did I wanted to do. he was
like an older brother to me. (You've already said this quite a few times, and it was a cliche term to begin with haha) He was the middle child out of 5 and his family

had gone through many problems during our childhood because he didnt come from
a very structured household,every single day we would round up the kids (which kids?) in the
neighborhood after school and have soccer games till sunset.Victor never did
wanna (wut?) go back home; though he would always have an excuse to keep on playing, even
when he was tired going home wasn't an option (Said this by talking about his excuses).He was the leader in our group
while growing up, and we all respected him for who he was.His family went through alot, but he was always in a positive attitude and he would never let anyone bring down his spirit. I admired him for that.no matter what and i admired that of him.

He passed on this trait to me as we grew up together. Family issues are, and always will be, difficult for everyone. Death comes and takes your loved ones. Sometimes it comes in the form of illness, and you can't help but think that things will never be okay again. But he (victor?) taught me that laughter and joy can help you survive those trying times. He showed me how to be optimistic (pessimistic is the exact opposite) and see the light even in the bleakest of nights, even if its just a speckle. Eventually that speckle will grow to illuminate every corner of your heart when you thought it was filled with darkness.

Hope this helps. I tried correcting the last paragraph, but I decided that just rewriting it might be better.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 "My Journey to self-reliance" [4]

I can see the retreat from society clearly, but the re-emergence into the community is not apparent. As a result you come off, for me at least, as a bit anti-social. The essay seems to be centered, for the first half, around a cynical perspective that doesn't completely vanish in the second half. I'm not entirely sure if you want to present yourself as a cynical person.

There are still some small grammatical errors, so I would advise re-reading it a few times.

You may have spread yourself too thin. You talk about alot, but not in depth. I feel like if you went in depth on just one or two of the events in your life, then I would have a clearer picture of who you are.

Undergraduate / "My father was very sick from cancer" - ive exceeded the 500 word limit, editing help [2]

"You could call me somewhat of an adrenline junky" Imo you already made this clear through your rebellious side.
"Always thinking of the worst that could happen"
"You're" should be your
"but my grades did not improve by much" can be shortened to "but there was little effect"
"As time went on, i started to see the long term consequences of my actions. I knew in my heart that i had to change my ways." Could combine those two ideas and make it more concise

"It was a really good feeling, a feeling that I did not want to lose." Little real description in this sentence, so if you're needing to cut stuff out consider this

"Then, seemingly, out of nowhere, a "brick wall" comes into my life." ---> "Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a "brick wall" came into my life."

"My father was (Became) very sick."
"Now, let's be clear, my father was diagnosed with Brain Cancer back when I was a young child. He had numerous treatments, and for years he seemed fine. I never knew how bad it really was. My parents chose to keep me unaware of how bad he really was because they did not want me to worry." This can be condensed if you try.

Btw brain surgery and brain cancer aren't capitalized.
"Naturally, as i was in Houston, i spent a lot of time wondering around the Cancer Hospital." I don't think that its natural if you're in houston to go to cancer wards. I think you meant that it was natural you spent time in the cancer ward cause your dad was diagnosed with cancer, not cause you were in Houston.

Work on your transitional phrases. You tend to misuse consequently and naturally etc etc.
"By the time it started progressing, i was a Junior." Cut this part out
"Without going into much detail" cut
ability, get the grades that i deserve fragment. consider simply deleting it
The significance of my dad passing away is that it truly made me take a look at life differently. Not only do i feel that nothing in this world can touch me now, i also feel a sense of strong desire to succeed for my dad, and for myself. - I did not see this message at all through the essay :X how are you untouchable when you just saw your father die?

Undergraduate / "As times goes by + parents struggle" - I have two personal statements to choose [3]

If you're writing for the UC's, then both of the personal statements are prompt 1, which is Describe the world you come from... how it has affected your dreams and aspirations. In the second essay of your second paragraph, it reads exactly like a resume, which you don't want because they already have your resume. You're wasting words that could be spent really showing what an individual you are.

I also think that, as it is written now, your change from India and your change from public to private schooling are too distinct to match. I would personally elaborate more on your experiences in India rather than talk about a transition from public schools to private schools because it doesn't carry the same amount of emotion that your travels to India could.

That being said, your explanation of your experiences in India should be more descriptive. Add in details that will essentially prove that you genuinely went and cared about what you saw in India. It is currently a little vague, but decent, however if you added in those descriptions it would probably make your essay shine.

The reason why I don't feel the first personal statement addresses the first prompt is that it tells too much about the experience and not enough about how it changed you. It's basically you mourning over the loss of your grandfather, and as a result you... value time. While it could be an important attribute, you would definitely need to focus on that issue more than your grieving. Also there's a lot of contradiction in terms of how your essay flows. "As we arrived , tears began to roll down my eyes, the thought of being away from my family for so many months tortured me on the inside. The last words I heard from him were "Have fun, be safe, and remember I love you..." While sitting in the plane the only thing I was thinking about was how much fun it was going to be once we got there. " Basically says "I was sad. I was super excited." which is kind of awkward. Not to mention starting off the essay with a fragment doesn't really help haha.

Try to remember that, while colleges might ask about other events, experiences, talents, etc, what they're really focusing on is you. Your essays should reflect that, or in other words have more than four sentences focused on you in a 500 word essay that's meant to show who you are.

Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / Siblings May be the Best Teachers (Where you come from, UC Admissions Essay) [4]

Overall it's decent, but it doesn't really grab the reader's attention. I would consider not making yourself seem so stiff. I understand that you wanted to convey that you are a person who won't compromise her beliefs, but at the same time you are bordering stubborness in all its negative glory.

I would advise you to try to ground your ideas in certain events in your life. For example, a time when your sisters sat you down while you were crying cause one of your friends told a secret about you, but your sisters explained blah, blah, and blah.

Hope this helps. (My comments are written in the () of your essay below)
There are approximately one-hundred-thirty-three million births each year, two-hundred-and-forty-seven births a minute, or four births every second. (needs a better transition here)There are no numbers that can describe how many children a family may have, but in my family, we have three daughters. Being the youngest in the family, there are certain expectations that must be met. In a family of high values, failure is not an option. Having two older sisters gain experiences before me brings pros and cons to my own future decisions. (Awkwardly written in my opinion. Try to be more concise) I must be the one to correct what mistakes they have made, but I must also be the one to surpass their success. Our family cherishes this rule, but my sisters have been educated long enough to teach me that I create my achievements. (Aren't your sisters part of your family? So they cherish this rule, yet don't agree with it exactly? Also saying that they "Have been educated long enough" implies that the idea is not an educated one)

Their first lesson for me was to create my own future, fearing that every aspect would be decided by my parents. Therefore, as a mere elementary school student, I chose to major in Biology as a precursor to attending medical school to become involved in pediatric medicine. (What exactly was it that lead you to biology? Was it a sick aunt or cousin that you liked? Because in elementary school you don't choose a major unless something has sparked an interest, and what sparked that interest is what makes you unique and interesting.) Gaining the necessary knowledge may take a long time, but by giving the ill a chance for hope and creating a sense of security in a situation where they may have lost faith, the time will prove to be worthwhile. For five years of my life, I was sure that I would not mind going through years of difficult education.(I feel that sentence holds a reluctance on your major choice. It comes off sounding like you statement might be instantly contradicted. "For five years of my life, I was sure that I would go through med school, but then I realized that it wasn't for me" is the flow that the sentence has.) I have never given up on a goal, and beginning now will take me nowhere in the years to come. (May be interpreted as you being resilient to change which I wouldn't count as a positive aspect)

Their second lesson for me was to shape amazing relationships with others, fearing that I would let the wrong people influence my decisions. (Try to use a different sentence structure here. It's the exact same as the intro to the paragraph before this) There is(are?) always going to be the(consider deleting "the") people who forge a friendship in order to receive benefits, be it homework or money ("And then abandon the friendship when it no longer suits them" would finish the thought). In contrast, there are people who will go on to share the same close relationship fifty years from now. My friends enabled an experience of a maternal and caring feeling, which has further enforced my will to become a pediatrician. I do not believe in relying (completely?) on others but friendship plays an important role in growing older (maturing?). To me, the closer the relationships, the easier going forward (progression? Advance? Advancement? This part just sounds awkward) with ideas become.

Their last lesson for me did not need to be expressed in words (awk). They wanted to teach me all those lessons, but (delete simultaneously, insert "also" after sisters) simultaneously, my sisters wished for me to learn something new on my own. It was simply to never change my ideals and my personality (expand on this to show that its positive. Being adamant about issues isn't always a good thing as you may appear close minded). The most important aspect in fulfilling goals is to remain the same person throughout the long and difficult process (I would say that it's more important to grow as a person than simply succeed). It is valuable for me to maintain the strong mentality I have now in order to succeed in medical school. Change is inevitable, but controllable.

To this day, I thank my sisters for teaching me to be outspoken and different, to take control of life while young so I would not have to deal with the consequences later. I thank them for helping me secure my desire to become a doctor in order to aid others like my sisters have for me.