Please help me cut out sentences, right now im at 775 words and the limit is 500..also editing and suggestions appreciated!
I've always been a free spirit ever since i can remember. I'd get a thrill out of taking risks and going against my parent's wishes. You could call me somewhat of an adrenaline junkie. If there was a boundary, I'd always be the one to step out of it. Though being a non-conformist might be seen as a good thing for some, my parents didn't see it that way. They worried about me every day, always thinking of the worst that could happen. As i hit my High School years, things started getting tough. I had new responsibilities and if i failed, the only person i could blame was myself. My father always told me, "You can do whatever you want, as long as you get good grades so you can get into the college of you're dreams." I'd nod my head yes, but my grades did not improve by much. As time went on, i started to see the long term consequences of my actions. I knew in my heart that i had to change my ways. I started applying myself to my work, and teachers started to praise my efforts. It was a really good feeling, a feeling that I did not want to lose. I knew that I could still turn things around for myself if I took school seriously. Then, seemingly, out of nowhere, a "brick wall" comes into my life. My father was very sick. Now, let's be clear, my father was diagnosed with Brain Cancer back when I was a young child. He had numerous treatments, and for years he seemed fine. I never knew how bad it really was. My parents chose to keep me unaware of how bad he really was because they did not want me to worry. During my Sophomore year, my father's tumor started to grow and we got on a plane to Houston, Texas so that he could get Brain Surgery. Naturally, as i was in Houston, i spent a lot of time wondering around the Cancer Hospital. I noticed the many dying cancer patients, young and old. Consequently, The surgery we traveled to Houston for my dad to get, ended up buying him a year, but eventually the cancer started to progress again. By the time it started progressing, i was a Junior. My home life was extremely emotional and unstable. Each day i would come home from school, and my dad could barely talk. He stuttered his words and he seemed uneasy. I concluded to myself that it was just the medicine, and that eventually he would get better. My mother sat me down one night with a tired expression on her face, she told me "daddy isn't going to make it." I just couldn't bring myself to understand what she had said, i didn't want to. Without going into much detail, my father was eventually put into a Hospice Care Unit where I'd visit him every day. My mind was no longer on my grades, but on spending as much time possible with my father. When my dad passed away in October of 2009, I really didn't know what to do with myself. I started physically going to school again, but mentally i just couldn't be there. My mom told me that my Father's biggest wish was that I'd succeed in my education so that i could go to college. I knew if i failed him, i would never forgive myself. Eventually, i started to reapply myself in school and to the best of my ability, get the grades that i deserve. The significance of my dad passing away is that it truly made me take a look at life differently. Not only do i feel that nothing in this world can touch me now, i also feel a sense of strong desire to succeed for my dad, and for myself. Eventually, after learning so much about Cancer and the affects of the horrible disease on families across the world, i decided to volunteer at Fox Chase Cancer Hospital. In honor of my dad, and the people i befriended in Houston, i put in some time to help out the hospital. I am in my senior year now, and recently one of my friends who i used to get into trouble with during my Freshman Year told me "I noticed you're really into school this year, it's not like you, you got to admit our attitude freshman year when we didn't care about school was pretty fun." In reply i said, "Well, we all have to grow up at some point. It's Senior year, i think it's about time."
"You could call me somewhat of an adrenline junky" Imo you already made this clear through your rebellious side.
"Always thinking of the worst that could happen"
"You're" should be your
"but my grades did not improve by much" can be shortened to "but there was little effect"
"As time went on, i started to see the long term consequences of my actions. I knew in my heart that i had to change my ways." Could combine those two ideas and make it more concise
"It was a really good feeling, a feeling that I did not want to lose." Little real description in this sentence, so if you're needing to cut stuff out consider this
"Then, seemingly, out of nowhere, a "brick wall" comes into my life." ---> "Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a "brick wall" came into my life."
"My father was (Became) very sick."
"Now, let's be clear, my father was diagnosed with Brain Cancer back when I was a young child. He had numerous treatments, and for years he seemed fine. I never knew how bad it really was. My parents chose to keep me unaware of how bad he really was because they did not want me to worry." This can be condensed if you try.
Btw brain surgery and brain cancer aren't capitalized.
"Naturally, as i was in Houston, i spent a lot of time wondering around the Cancer Hospital." I don't think that its natural if you're in houston to go to cancer wards. I think you meant that it was natural you spent time in the cancer ward cause your dad was diagnosed with cancer, not cause you were in Houston.
Work on your transitional phrases. You tend to misuse consequently and naturally etc etc.
"By the time it started progressing, i was a Junior." Cut this part out
"Without going into much detail" cut
ability, get the grades that i deserve fragment. consider simply deleting it
The significance of my dad passing away is that it truly made me take a look at life differently. Not only do i feel that nothing in this world can touch me now, i also feel a sense of strong desire to succeed for my dad, and for myself. - I did not see this message at all through the essay :X how are you untouchable when you just saw your father die?
