Posts by coconnor93

coconnor93

Nov 16, 2010

Undergraduate / "After volunteering, a daycare" - SUNY COMMON APP EXTRACURRICULAR [5]

The topic of this is really great. It's definitely something at least sort of unique that your team was required to do volunteer work, I'm not really sure but I've never heard of it. It will be a nice change of pace for the essay readers to not hear about being on the lacrosse team, but about something you got out of being on the lacrosse team. Some of the sentences are a little choppy, and grammar is a little weird in some places. Read it over a few more times.

"Unfortunately, it is when we help others that we are truly benefiting ourselves."
^I don't think unfortunately should be in this sentence, maybe put but instead
Nor do I think you need the first sentence of your essay "How our lives are perceived is something we see as sacred", it doesn't really provide the topic of your essay, you don't really continue with that thought.

But definitely keep the topic!

coconnor93

Nov 13, 2010

Undergraduate / "Leaving the safety of suburbia"- the nature of my personal statement isn't correct? [6]

I already sent this to one school, before revising and stuff; even if my grades are up to par do you think this essay could keep me out?

coconnor93

Nov 11, 2010

Undergraduate / "Leaving the safety of suburbia"- the nature of my personal statement isn't correct? [6]

I've actually seen that, and love it, but I'm not so much a creative person, so trying to write something like that wouldn't go well for me. But thanks for the input. Ill try and revise more so I like it better I suppose.

coconnor93

Nov 11, 2010

Undergraduate / Educational Goals (to major in journalism) - what to include in that part + essay. [5]

Try and explain what you want get out of your education in journalism. How do you want to grow as a writer during your time at college? What kind of writer to you want to be after college is over? Basically try and explain what you want to be after you've completed your undergrad degree. So if you've already explained why you want to major in journalism, this is kind of the how portion. It's asking for what end product you want out of college.

Hope this was helpful and not more confusing..

coconnor93

Nov 11, 2010

Undergraduate / "Leaving the safety of suburbia"- the nature of my personal statement isn't correct? [6]

Common Application Personal Essay
6. Topic of your choice

I'm pretty damn lucky. I've grown up in sheltered suburbia, on tree lined streets with well manicured lawns. Violence and crime are words I associate with turning down the wrong street late at night, or watching the eleven o'clock news. I wear nice clothes, my haircuts cost fifty dollars and there is usually a way for me to do the things I really, truly want to do. I am not a millionaire, but I have never had to have a job in order to feed myself; I have only ever had a job to buy myself things I don't really need. I've been across the country, across the ocean; I've had opportunities my parents didn't have and some of my peers don't have. I don't believe money is equivalent to happiness, but I believe it promotes it, and reduces stress.

But money does not buy perspective, it does not buy intelligence, opinions, or common sense. Yes, it can buy experiences, but only you can make the experiences worth something. It is a common misconception that those that are well off are less knowledgeable, that they have no concept of pain or tragedy, of hardship or adversity. But it is just that, a misconception. Everyone comes from somewhere, everyone has an experience they consider tragic. Just because my grandfather died in a well lit hospital room as opposed to on a dark street corner, it does not mean I didn't lose something. Hardship haunts people from all walks of life, not just those that are less well off. No, I can not provide a compelling sob story about the death of a loved one or about a house lost to a hurricane. I can only say I have had experiences that have given me perspective, even if they are not the experiences generally associated with great tragedy.

I have made my experiences worth something. I have taken the time to appreciate when I have the opportunity to travel somewhere, when I have the opportunity to learn something new, to do something different. I have not gone through life blind to all the things that have been given to me; I have opened myself up to all possible experiences. When I leave where I am now, when I leave the safety of suburbia, I'll hopefully continue to create experiences for myself, hopefully through success, and continue to open my perspective to new things.

I opened with I'm pretty damn lucky, in the hopes that this will make someone want to keep reading but I'm not sure if this was the right way to go about doing that. I'm afraid that this essay makes me sound arrogant or unemotional, I hope it doesn't but I've read it over a couple more times and am concerned it might.