Undergraduate / "how I feel about my friend" - international student supplement essay on friendship [6]

Haha, I found this amusing because I'm Burmese :)
Are you in Burma right now curiously?

"dares to say that "seya", Burmese word for "teacher", is not always right. "
Amusingly, all my cousins love to correct the teacher. But that was mostly in private tuition/cram school, the public school they are in is waaay to big for the teacher to even hear them probably lol

"I suddenly realized we were supposed to eat with our hands. I wanted to make the differences between us unimportant, so I tried my best to take the food with my fingers. " - Haha, hand eating ftw. Hopefully you washed it before then though

"The diversity between our cultures might have caused some misunderstandings, but it also helped us growing up." - This sounds really weird. I think "differences" would be a better word than diversity. Also, I guess I can see how "growing up" fits but it sounds a little awkward in my opinion. If you can find a better wording that'd be cool but if not that's also fine :)

Anyways, overall, I'm not sure how much my opinion will help because sometimes the tidbits of my culture distract me. Overall I like the essay. My impression of you is that you are a outgoing, enthusiastic, and a little stubborn. Not sure if that will get you admitted, but good luck :)

Undergraduate / Big Things? Little Things! (I quit the Model United Nations)---UC #2 [3]

Added stuff is in red
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"Soon after school began, I was captivated by the MUN because of its slogan, "We at MUN get together for a better world." It sounded just right! Besides, the images of wearing a fitted suit, throwing myself into intense discussions with magical words like "UK affirms intention of cooperating" and greeting my classmates with "Hi, Norway!" or responding "Not bad, Dominica! See you around!" in the hallways were fascinating."

"The MUN in China employs neither academic analysis nor critical thinking, and is far from its more formal and organized counterpart in western countries."

Is it fair to generalize to all of China? I know my school's MUN only stretches to a specific region of Florida so try not to generalize to all of China but this may be just a tiny bit nit-picky

" BHSF Charity Club" - What does BHSF stand for? I think explaining or taking it out may be better

"No playground in the thirty-square-meter small yard; no drainage systems in washrooms; no extra classes except for math and Chinese; no advanced equipments, really, in spite of desks, chairs and a blackboard; no teachers with college diplomas. "

I just put semi colons because they help differentiate from your commas more so it is clearer.

"What I could hardly imagine about a school was exactly all the children obtained."
This is really weird, you may want to find a better word than "obtained." Also, are you referring to that specific school or all schools in general?

"While hardware beyond acceptance, to my surprise, children seemed satisfied."
I think you also need a better word than "hardware" because that makes no sense...

"The big smiles on their faces hurt my eyes with their brightness."

"Should I regard them as abject, or yielding with no aspiration, when what they got were all we were willingly to offer?"
Uhh, this confuses me. I read this as, "Should I regard them as hopeless when they got all we were willing to offer?"

While migrants from the countryside are pushing for the development of cities, their children have no access to reasonable educational opportunities because of our neglect, or apathy, or stinginess. It was We that should be blamed for this .

Last sentence I made into a more active voice. The first sentence you were missing articles...I think it's a Chinese thing because my mom does that a lot too

"With the great shock I had experienced, I dedicated myself to the charity club. Suddenly, taking credit for solving the financial crisis or shaking hands with Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu seemed less important to me than just gathering donated books for Wenhua School."

"What we are most concerned with is not how much the press praises us for our successfully holding "Run with me" in Bird Nest, but how we can use the money we raise and attention we get to help the children in Wenhua school get the equipment and care they need."

This is more passive voice, try a more active voice structure.
"We are not concerned with how much the press praises us for our successful "Run with me" event in the Bird Nest, but how we can use the money and attention we raise to help the children in Wenhua school get the equipment and care they need"

"While at the same time, I even could not tell who thewas the "benefactor" was and who the "beneficiary". "

"The most I could provide her are ofwere on material levels. In return, however, she passespassed me the most precious things---her persistence to dream, diligence, and the spirit to fight against fate. "

For your last sentence with the dream and diligence, those are all nouns so the third thing must also be a noun instead of a verb.

"Perhaps I've still not achieved my goal of accomplishing "big things," but I realized that I could start with "little things" which others disdain to do."

The word "disdain" strikes me as a bit too extreme/offensive and may portray you as a little arrogant because I am sure others definitely don't disdain to do volunteering. Try to chose a better word or reword the sentence.

---

Okay, overall I really like your essay :)
And don't worry about negative things, I talked about a negative thing on one of my essays before too. In fact, quitting the MUN actually sounds like a positive thing for you because you've found another path to something better! Just work on your grammar a little to make your message clearer

Undergraduate / "care & compassion for people" -CommonApp: Significant experience/ Topic of my choice [7]

Ohh, totally didn't realize you were using British spelling, I was just poking my spell check on my computer. No worries then, I think either British/American will do.

"That was my first glimpse of the lifestyle of so many other people in the world. The small bowl of rice and mushy salted cabbage that I shared with another girl did not fill me up; my growling stomach agreeing agreed with me." Verb agreement, semi colon for two independent sentences that relate

"Experiencing the decapitated living conditions" - decapitated living conditions? You may want to choose a better adjective...I don't get it o__o;;

There are still a bit of extra stuff such as:
"The lack of health care, especially, was something that especially stood out to me."

"Inside of me, a strong sense of compassion and hope for people blossomed. With the determination and strong sense of will that dwells inside me, I know I can create a change for others. "

You say "strong sense" and twice and really, it doesn't say a whole lot. Don't tell, show! Not as in restating your resume, but focusing on a specific moment that you strongly remember from one of your charity events you ran or your trip in Thailand :)

I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh. I have read a lot of these same essays before and if you want to use it, you're going to have to make yours strong and distinctive since everyone says they have a strong sense of will/determination/compassion/etc. etc. so I've become a bit numb to it. You may definitely have the above mentioned traits, you just have to go a step further than the rest to transmit that message through your essay (especially in a commonly used and typical topic if you're determined to write about it)

Undergraduate / Wake-up is at 8 not 5:45, all because of the school - issue of importance [3]

I don't think you need to have a works cited page...it's really unnecessary since this isn't a formal paper...

Overall, I think the technical stuff kinda hurts because it is a bit boring, especially if you have 2 sentence quotes. Try breaking it down more or paraphrasing. Remember, this is your personal essay, not a formal complaint that needs to be backed by scientific evidence. I think you need to focus on your club more or use more vivid specific examples because honestly the impression I'm getting is definitely more of a person who is complaining rather than someone who has overcome or dealt with something which I think would have given a stronger impression of you. You're trying to put your best foot forward for these colleges :)

Undergraduate / "the photography editor" - Common App- One of your activites [4]

I feel that I have benefited greatly from my experiences as the photography editor for the (my schools) yearbook. This is kinda restating the prompt. If you show, you won't need to tell :)

As a photography editor for my school's yearbook I had to work with my team to keep them motivated toward a common goal: , which was to create a two hundred and thirty page yearbook in eight months. This challenge instilled team values and leadership skills in me while I faced the daily tasks that came with being a leader.

(Okay, this is once again telling rather than showing. What kind of team values? What kind of leadership skills? That's so broad. Give more specific and personal examples.)

In the midst of this, I discovered my passion for leading a journalism team.
(Please don't say "passion" so easily. So many people toss it around and I haven't seen the rest of your vague essay reflect a passion more than...well, an experience or interest.)

I am now able to go into college confident about my chosen major and career path of journalism and communication studies.
(This is once again a little bland in my opinion but you can keep it if you want. Just remember that you want to give them a good personal impression of you and they can already see what your chosen major is in your common app! Don't waste room if you can help it, every word is precious )

Graduate / Policy questions, On-the-Job training, PRGS and PhD in policy analysis - 3 essays [4]

I have no clue what PRGS means. And essays should usually be your own work, what do you mean help you fill up the essay? You should probably give responders more to work with. I think this forum mostly offers editting and opinions, generally building on your ideas. We can't do that if there is nothing to build off of :(

Undergraduate / "playing lacrosse" - Boston college short essay [4]

Hmm, it kinda seems vague, especially when discussing your talents. I know it's only 5-6 sentences, but I learned from my 300 character 4-lined stanford short answers that you can say a lot in those 6 sentences. Try being more specific like focus in on one talent

Undergraduate / Nursing Program, OSU essay. I tried keeping it short and humorous but still mature. [5]

"Love at first sitesight "

"The more I learned about OSU through the campus tour, the more this university fit every aspect of college I have been searching for." And what were you searching for? Kinda vague

"I want to be an active participant in the activities that take place at The Ohio State University." - Also a little vague

"Because this program is extremely competitive, I understand that the nursing program will be demanding." - This seems to really be stating the obvious and unneeded, I think a college will know if their own program is competitive and already assume you already understand that it's challenging

"While most of my peers still contemplate the various careers ahead of them, I am certain of one thing: I long to study nursing at The Ohio State University. "

You should probably focus more on yourself than your schoolmates, its kinda unnecessary

Your organization seems to bounce back and forth. Also, I'm sorry I didn't notice your humor except for the end I guess. But don't worry too much about humorousness, that's not the prime thing colleges are looking for.

I think you should elaborate on the opportunities you want to pursue...although not to the point of name dropping. Good luck with your essay! :)

Undergraduate / "helping others understand math better" - Common App - Significant Experience (Math) [5]

Thanks, I have been messing around with that conclusion for more than a week. Hopefully I'll find out something soon >_<
Curiously, what personality did you glimpse?

Undergraduate / "care & compassion for people" -CommonApp: Significant experience/ Topic of my choice [7]

This strikes me as really stereotypical. Also, there are some unnecessary details you could do without such as

"I realised realized that my constant complaining and pessimism towards the responsibilities my parents put on me such as making 5 packed lunches each day: one for my mum, my dad, and two younger brothers; . cooking dinner, and walking the dog, was insignificant compared to what the children in ___ orphanage were obligated to do daily."

"Now, at 17, I look on the bright side of things. "

"As the head of student council in grades 9 and 10 , I took on the responsibility of creating charity events and spreading awareness of various causes around the school.

It's pretty bland. You rehash some of your resume here too. Then you just toss some quotes that other people said. If you want to use this essay, focus more on yourself. Also, everyone says the "oh, I realized how fortunate I am" thing so you don't get any points on uniqueness sadly :(

Undergraduate / Well reflects sb's personality and uniqueness? COMMON APP [5]

I think this sounds sweet, but there are some parts I did get lost on. The most notable one is this paragraph:

Remember when I was little, we went to a park and I asked you, "Mom, why is the flower so red?" You looked into my eyes and answered, "Because the flower is reddened by the root's blood". I was your flower, your blood. For the first time, I learned to understand what the root did while hidden in the ground and what she wanted to say - she wished the flower to be as beautiful as she can be with the root's nourishment.

I didn't understand it too well or how it relates. It definitely needs to be more clear

Also, I think my time line got me slightly confused. Lemme see if I can get this right.
5 years ago you moved to Canada without your mom for some reason that I don't know. Then five years later she's having some uterus problem and your father is visiting her and will bring her back to...Canada? And you are crying before your SAT test because of news of your mother's operation. I think I get the gist of it after reading 2 times through but it could be better.

In terms of uniqueness/personality, my opinions are mixed. I'm not sure how common separated family essays are although I know divorce is a common topic (but this isn't exactly divorce, but I think it brings up similar issues of growing away with family). Still, if it's important to you, don't change it for uniqueness's sake.

Personality wise, I get the sense that you are independent and self-reflective although at parts it does seem a tad bit arrogant such as:
" that no one else of my same age could handle"
" things that are never taken care of by the kids were there any parent in a family."

Also with this line:
"Now, as memories of the past years started to flood into my mind, I wished I had never left you. Without your presence and protection, however, I not only became a tough adult, but an adult who now has a warm heart. "

I don't see that warm heart too much, no offense. You're describing frustration, focusing on school, and growing distant which just doesn't breed too much of a picture of a warm heart. I'm not saying it's not true, you just need to elaborate more.