I tried to incorporate humor into my essay. is it too much? or too kid-like?
Prompt: Why are you interested in attending The Ohio State University?
It was love at first site! While watching The Ohio State University virtual campus tour, I hardly noticed the toothy grin growing on my face. When I visited OSU, the campus far exceeded my expectations.
Stepping foot on campus immediately felt like home. The more I learned about OSU through the campus tour, the more this university fit every aspect of college I have been searching for.
Attending the OSU dinner at Dave and Busters, as well as the college visit at Torrey Pines High School, I was described first hand experiences at OSU by the admissions counselor, Jessica Diallo. I was impressed when she explained the special educational programs that OSU accommodates for specific majors. Another reason for my attraction to OSU is the holistic programs. The First Year Program and the Wellness Centers are for the benefit of the student. No colleges I have researched have had these opportunities available for students. OSU has a positive academic atmosphere that I want to surround myself with.
I am interested in participating in the undergraduate program at the College of Nursing.
Because this program is extremely competitive, I understand that the nursing program will be demanding. At OSU, I will be motivated to face these challenges head on since I know I will be getting the best education. While most of my peers still contemplate the various careers ahead of them, I am certain of one thing: I long to study nursing at The Ohio State University. Every time I go through the photos of campus life at OSU, I picture myself as the "I" in "OHIO" beaming at the camera as I represent the school. I want to be an active participant in the activities that take place at The Ohio State University. I yearn to be a poisonous nut!
Thank you for reading this, your feedback is much appreciated!!
I think it is fine. It shows that you are enthusiastic about college which is a good thing. Most kids try to be so formal cause they think that colleges want that but what they really want is an essay that stands out so im sure yours will stand out. The only thing i dont get is the last line. whats a poisonous nut?
"Love at first sitesight "
"The more I learned about OSU through the campus tour, the more this university fit every aspect of college I have been searching for." And what were you searching for? Kinda vague
"I want to be an active participant in the activities that take place at The Ohio State University." - Also a little vague
"Because this program is extremely competitive, I understand that the nursing program will be demanding." - This seems to really be stating the obvious and unneeded, I think a college will know if their own program is competitive and already assume you already understand that it's challenging
"While most of my peers still contemplate the various careers ahead of them, I am certain of one thing: I long to study nursing at The Ohio State University. "
You should probably focus more on yourself than your schoolmates, its kinda unnecessary
Your organization seems to bounce back and forth. Also, I'm sorry I didn't notice your humor except for the end I guess. But don't worry too much about humorousness, that's not the prime thing colleges are looking for.
I think you should elaborate on the opportunities you want to pursue...although not to the point of name dropping. Good luck with your essay! :)
It was love at first sight.
I hardly noticed the toothy grin growing on my face This sounds somewhat elementary in language...perhaps this should be removed.
I yearn to be a poisonous nut! - This too is awkward, and actually has a negative connotation to it. Try ending this with a different sentence...without "poisonous" or "nut" ;)
haha that is true, but the mascot at Ohio State is a buckeye which is actually a poisonous nut, just for clarification :)
and should i remove the "site" part? I tried to pun sight and site since my first "sight" of Ohio State was on the internet.
