Undergraduate / "to become a useful member of the medical profession" - Personal Statement [3]

As a child, my parents always use to ask, "What do you want to be when you gotget older.? " Back then, bB eing grown seemed far ...

After a long time ofmuch thinking, I know I want ...

I don't think this paragraph is necessary. Your essay is long as it is, and starting with an anecdote is more attention grabbing, along with less cliché, than a thesis.

Since I was about thirteen years old, I have wanted to go into medicine to help sick people.

After a couple of weeks, I was not feeling goodwell and I was always getting headaches ...
So mM y parents took be back to the hospital andwhere the doctors told them I had to getneeded surgery in my head. At my time spentWhile in the hospital, I had MRIs and EEG ...

After the surgery, I feelfelt like I had a big personality change.: I went from being really talkative and outgoing to being shy. I do not know exactly what this change happened though.

This is much more interesting than your first paragraph. It, along with the following paragraphs, gives a better sense of your love for medicine by showing your experiences. I would suggest starting with the accident though. It's much more attention grabbing and adds some continuity.

It really seemed like they enjoyed their job ,. They have really changed my lifechanging lives for the better.

What you wrote before works fine. I think these edits increase the scope of what a doctor does, but either work in my opinion.

I want to get that feeling of satisfaction from knowing that I made a difference in someone's life. People look to doctors when they have nowhere to go; doctors helps keep a ...

When there is no other hopeand it will be my responsibility (...) life gives me ? .

You seem to be missing some content in the last two sentences. Also, you might want to restructure your paragraph so that "People look to doctors..." is before "I want..." You can then tie in the last two sentences after "People look to doctors" and use some parallelism before finishing with "I want that feeling of satisfaction..."

I know I still have a lot of learning and hard work to do., but I believe that I can achieve those goals.and wW ith the help of a good university, ....

It has everything that I want in a university,: a beautiful campus, an ...
... I believe that I can be a great student at there.

You might want a second opinion on this, but I believe that this paragraph is a large, unneeded digression from your main point. Most answers to "why do you want to come here?" sound similar, and as true as your reasons are, they've heard them before.

I understand that this is a career withhas many demands, both ...

I also feel like this paragraph is unnecessary. College application essays should be as short and succinct as possible, as adcoms have a lot of people to read through. In addition, short writing packs a more powerful punch, and I feel like your fourth paragraph conveys your desires and drive much stronger than this one.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

Look into Anki on Google. It will help in long term memorization as long as you use it.

Study guides for AP classes have greatly helped me as well.

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

Standardized testing is an important part of your application. Know that with inadequate scores, the rest of your app will need to make up for them. By no means are they the be-all end-all of application criteria, but if another applicant is similar to you, but they have better scores, they're getting in over you. Fret not, good grades matter more, and your essays are a chance to rise above the average applicant, but if you have a chance to improve your score you should take it.

Have you tried the ACT?

Scholarship / My interest in Science that is constantly expanding - interest in science essay [4]


Your sentence structure needs variation. There is also a lot of redundancy in your sentences. We know science is a subject, that you are a person, and that biology is a subject.


More vivid detail would add to this paragraph. Do you have an anecdote you remember?


Watch out for repetition of words in near-by sentences.The story reveals more about your character than merely describing what you like about science. Making the whole paragraph an anecdote would be stronger than talking about your love of science because it shows the reader, rather than telling them:

"Freshman year I took the sophomore Biology class, looking forward to it every day. While the teacher droned to other students, I ate up the lectures which fed my eager mind. While other students squirmed at the frogs and squids ready for dissection, I dove in, incising and prodding; I marveled at the squid's plastic spine and the frog's maze of arteries. While some merely learned, I experienced.


This paragraph is unneeded. By now, your essay should already have told your reader why science interests you, and this just serves as a cliched ending.

Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat." Bikes, Amherst Supplement [3]

If I'm not mistaken, the Amherst supplement limits you to 300 words. These copy edits should get you started in cutting down to that limit. With that being said, your first paragraph seems unnecessary. It is an oft stated remark, and even the prompt delivers something similar to its message. Starting straight with your anecdote is a stronger lead in. Even then, your story lacks a strong lead to keep the reader interested. Also, I feel you can cut the final paragraph, as it's a cliche statement and that conclusion is expressed by you successfully riding the bike anyways. Best of luck!