loxontop
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Barret Honor College Essay ... What didn't Kill me !! [3]
Moved like lightening around the house and in a flash.
Moving like lightening and In a flash are serving the same purpose. Remove one.
The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids.
The arrest took less than three minutes but left in my mind, a vivd recreation that played itself when I closed my eyelids. Something along this line would make it sound stronger.
The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
This sentence looks out of place. If you could link it to the recreation in your mind, it would also serve to illustrate the confusion in the house.
I do not remember clearly my father's release or how we fled the country, partly because it happened at a rush with no explanation and partly because I tried to erase it from my memory. Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
I think you should clean up this paragraph because as it is, it's not very clear what you are trying to say. Use wordings that would make it clear what you mean.
Being the naïve person I am, I assumed that I have successfully overcome all the obstacles that plastered my path only to come to the realization that the hard part is yet to come. So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. My determination was stronger than the impediments that faced me, the first being the language barrier that I overcame by studying an average of 4-6 hours daily to catch up with my classmates who spoke English all their lives.
Up to this point I assumed that I had successfully overcome all the obstacles put in my path but hadn't realised that my parents had been the ones fighting for me. I have had leave my parents' protection and take responsibilty for myself and overcome all the new challenges that this land has thrown my way.
I have had to study on an average of 4-6 hours everyday just to be able to be heard...
Something along these lines would make it sound stronger.
Second, the fact that I'm a Muslim laid another barrier on my way. I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South. Both unique features qualify me as an international suspect for crimes committed by entities unrelated to me.
Add an experience that illustrates how being a muslim makes life difficult. I think you should also lay off the muslim-terrorist thing. It just seems a bit too heavy handed.
Regardless of the Sudanese government accusing my father of being a spy, Sudan was my safe zone, and as Alan Alda once said "You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Except that I had to go into the wilderness of another nation to discover my strengths and realize my weaknesses. Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. Now, the world does not seem too flowery to me and I regard the world with much distrust, but I believe I have the power to change many of its realities.
The quote makes sense but from the word "defending", the rest detracts from the essay. Leave out the part about the world being flowery and concentrate more on how coming to America has made you realise more about yourself.
It's a good concept and with some work, it would be a very nice piece.
These are just personal opinions.
Moved like lightening around the house and in a flash.
Moving like lightening and In a flash are serving the same purpose. Remove one.
The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids.
The arrest took less than three minutes but left in my mind, a vivd recreation that played itself when I closed my eyelids. Something along this line would make it sound stronger.
The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.
This sentence looks out of place. If you could link it to the recreation in your mind, it would also serve to illustrate the confusion in the house.
I do not remember clearly my father's release or how we fled the country, partly because it happened at a rush with no explanation and partly because I tried to erase it from my memory. Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.
I think you should clean up this paragraph because as it is, it's not very clear what you are trying to say. Use wordings that would make it clear what you mean.
Being the naïve person I am, I assumed that I have successfully overcome all the obstacles that plastered my path only to come to the realization that the hard part is yet to come. So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. My determination was stronger than the impediments that faced me, the first being the language barrier that I overcame by studying an average of 4-6 hours daily to catch up with my classmates who spoke English all their lives.
Up to this point I assumed that I had successfully overcome all the obstacles put in my path but hadn't realised that my parents had been the ones fighting for me. I have had leave my parents' protection and take responsibilty for myself and overcome all the new challenges that this land has thrown my way.
I have had to study on an average of 4-6 hours everyday just to be able to be heard...
Something along these lines would make it sound stronger.
Second, the fact that I'm a Muslim laid another barrier on my way. I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South. Both unique features qualify me as an international suspect for crimes committed by entities unrelated to me.
Add an experience that illustrates how being a muslim makes life difficult. I think you should also lay off the muslim-terrorist thing. It just seems a bit too heavy handed.
Regardless of the Sudanese government accusing my father of being a spy, Sudan was my safe zone, and as Alan Alda once said "You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Except that I had to go into the wilderness of another nation to discover my strengths and realize my weaknesses. Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. Now, the world does not seem too flowery to me and I regard the world with much distrust, but I believe I have the power to change many of its realities.
The quote makes sense but from the word "defending", the rest detracts from the essay. Leave out the part about the world being flowery and concentrate more on how coming to America has made you realise more about yourself.
It's a good concept and with some work, it would be a very nice piece.
These are just personal opinions.
