Posts by Naysam

Naysam

Nov 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "mechanical engineering" - UC BERKELEY ESSAY - CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT [3]

I am a curious guy and I love to open all sorts of odds and ends to find out what makes them tick. I disassemble anything that I could lay my hands on: big things, little things, even devices that are still fully functional. Once I got the right tool, consider the appliance opened but my parents didn't give my curiosity any backing because it involved the destruction of their cherished household items. They couldn't stop me and my trusty tools but we had to keep a low profile to continue.

I think the topic sentence is a little weak, how about "Curiosity may have killed the cat but it opened all sorts of odds and ends for me to find out what makes them tick"

I have learnt a lot about a faction of engineering called mechanical engineering just by analyzing the internals of many common devices lying around in the house, noting which went where and what did what but sometimes I didn't know what I was looking at after opening the device. So I gained even more knowledge by devouring books and scouring the internet for any related information I could find.

I think this is the strongest paragraph, short but well detailed

Curiosity may kill a cat and one day, I'll open the wrong device or cut the wrong wire and that would be my end. That hasn't happened yet and all my curiosity has done is open up new worlds chock full of knowledge that could be harnessed to help people.

Maybe you should just avoid " curiosity killed the cat" here and just start the paragraph by " One day I know I'll ...

P.S. avoid contractions and "to be verbs" like had, has, is, was, did, didn't and use more precise terms it will make the essay much stronger

Over all its pretty fantastic

Answer mine please

Naysam

Nov 20, 2010

Undergraduate / Barret Honor College Essay ... What didn't Kill me !! [3]

Barrett is composed of students from diverse backgrounds with distinctive life experiences. Explain how your cultural traditions (national, ethnic, religious, or other facets of your background) shape your view of the world around you.

~~ My essay is about "other facets of my background that shaped my view of the world around me"

When I was ten years old, the police knocked on our door at 3:00 in the morning. They sounded like thunder and moved like lightening around the house and in a flash they were gone with my father chained. The arrest took less than three minutes, but the melodramatic event kept recreating itself in my mind for years and years following its occurrence, I saw it every time I closed my eyelids. The loud knocks on the wooden door, the questions my mother shouted, the screams that escaped my sister's throat, the fear in my brother's eyes and the puzzlement in mine.

I do not remember clearly my father's release or how we fled the country, partly because it happened at a rush with no explanation and partly because I tried to erase it from my memory. Somehow years passed by and I ended up in the United States, instead of 2000 it is 2005, the time in between was so temporary I do not quite clearly remember it's details.

Being the naïve person I am, I assumed that I have successfully overcome all the obstacles that plastered my path only to come to the realization that the hard part is yet to come. So far, my parents have fought all my battles, and it was time for me to take responsibility. My determination was stronger than the impediments that faced me, the first being the language barrier that I overcame by studying an average of 4-6 hours daily to catch up with my classmates who spoke English all their lives.

Second, the fact that I'm a Muslim laid another barrier on my way. I was constantly at a position where I have to defend my faith or accept the claim that Islam teaches terrorism and therefore all Muslims are terrorists. Furthermore, to make matters more complicated, I'm a Northern Sudanese which is the dominant race in Sudan that is responsible for the genocide of forty thousands in Darfur and two millions in the South. Both unique features qualify me as an international suspect for crimes committed by entities unrelated to me.

Regardless of the Sudanese government accusing my father of being a spy, Sudan was my safe zone, and as Alan Alda once said "You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Except that I had to go into the wilderness of another nation to discover my strengths and realize my weaknesses. Defending Northern Sudanese citizens (not government), Islam, and I against constant accusations led to my high tolerance of others. Now, the world does not seem too flowery to me and I regard the world with much distrust, but I believe I have the power to change many of its realities.

~~ I don't mind harsh criticism as long as it will help me to improve the quality of the essay
P.S. I'm not a native English speaker I'd appreciate it if you can also correct any obvious grammar mistakes