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Posts by trentp
Joined: Nov 24, 2010
Last Post: Dec 28, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 10
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trentp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

Suddenly, things that were as insignificant as a dusty teddy bear became exceedingly important to me when it was time to give them away.

This is amazing, just saying. I don't see much else to fix, really.
trentp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Maintaining good grades" - Challenge Essay-- MIT [5]

My lack of English skills caused my grades to crumble down drastically, but I did not allow this to bring my spirit down too . I was determined to keep my record of good grades, so I gave all the energy of my mind and body to achieve this goal.

Since that project, I partook in getting ahead on my own two feet. Every day after school, I went to take English classes for three hours straight.

I think your message is clear, and I can see some points where it can be even more polished. However, the way it is now is characteristic of your struggle to perfect your English and advance to the top of the class so I find myself reluctant to revise anymore than what I have suggested.

All in all, a very good essay.
trentp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I don't like to talk" - Stanford Essay #2 [6]

Thanks for the helpful comments! All of your advice makes sense, so I have edited my essay accordingly.

I don't like to talk.

It's not because I'm awkward and want something to talk about, nor am I nervous around people and shy away from any chance to be outgoing or active. It's not because I hate my voice or anyone in particular, either. It's because I don't like to talk.

The frustration of putting up with this answer is probably what the first few days with me are going to feel like. I can express myself using a piano and pieces of square paper, but ultimately I'm a very private individual. That's not to say that I'm not sociable; I can hang out with friends and sleep over at someone else's house. I've camped out in the wilderness many times in my life; in fact, I spent my latest summer doing just that. I've even participated in numerous speech and debate tournaments.

Therefore, I certainly enjoy the company of others as much as I enjoy the company of myself. I don't make origami and play music merely for my own benefit: they're my way of spreading kindness to others. I have a bad history with language; my words seldom come out the way I desire them to. If I ever do succeed in articulating my message accurately, it is only through the tedium of endless practice. Instead, I find the simple act of offering a paper crane with a smile much more endearing.

So bear with me, fellow roommate. This ball of yarn takes some time to unravel.
trentp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alaska Spine Institute" - My experiences that have Influenced me; ASI [5]

Frankly , I can say this for everybody I shadowed at API.

This endless drive in their careers was ultimately due to one factor: t hey were in their practice of their passions.

This essay is great. I do think that you need to make some of your reactions to the procedures more specific rather than the generic "it was an interesting experience", but the overall theme is particularly strong. I don't think your ending needs much revision.
trentp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I don't like to talk" - Stanford Essay #2 [6]

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate - and us - know you better. (<250 words)

I don't like to talk.

It's not because I'm awkward and want something to talk about: it's because I don't like to talk. It's not because I am nervous around people and shy away from any chance to be outgoing or active: it's because I don't like to talk. It's not because I hate my voice or anyone in particular: it's because I don't like to talk.

This frustration is probably what the first few days with me are going to feel like. I can express myself in spades using a piano and pieces of square paper, but ultimately I'm a very private individual. That's not to say that I'm not sociable; I can hang out with friends and sleep over at someone else's house. I've camped out in the wilderness many times in my life; in fact, I spent my latest summer doing just that. I've even participated in numerous speech and debate tournaments.

Therefore, I certainly enjoy the company of others as much as I enjoy the company of myself. I don't make origami and play music merely for my own benefit: they're my way of spreading kindness to others. I have a bad history with language; my words seldom come out the way I want them to because I am inept at using them efficiently. Instead, I find the simple act of offering a paper crane with a smile much more endearing.

So bear with me, fellow roommate. This ball of yarn takes some time to unravel.
trentp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Coming from a big Jamaican family" - Diversity Colgate Supplement [4]

That is an interesting tradition you have! I do, however, have a couple pointers to make it better.

1. You say that Night Night is joyful in the midst of a person's upcoming funeral. What makes the atmosphere joyful in spite of that? Be specific about the things involved with Night Night.

2. Your essay would probably kick off better if you start with the third sentence while incorporating the first two into the rest of the paragraph. The prompt is asking you to tell them of a tradition you have, so get to the point.

3. The last two sentences of your essay need to explain more of what it was like rather than summarize what goes on. This is the kind of stuff I can probably look up in Wikipedia; I'm not saying to take it out, but you need to be more in-depth with your experience.
trentp   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: "I thought I was in hell" [5]

Alright. I'll run this by some other people and see which things are a bit unnecessary. Thanks, this was very helpful!
trentp   
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

You may want to rewrite your second sentence, the part where it says "yet there's no at seeing any amazing stunts".

The band I march with is corps style, and I appreciate a well-put together field show, but I have always wished that weit could be more entertaining to a regular crowd who doesn't really care about articulation or perfectly straight lines.

"We" might make sense considering it's a band, but since you've established yourself apart from it in the first part you are addressing the band only, and not both. For that, "it" would make more sense.

Apart from that, there is definite focus and the response goes in a clear direction. You demonstrate knowledge of the school, and the comparison to other school's marching band philosophies is key to making your point. It's a very good answer to the prompt.
trentp   
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: "I thought I was in hell" [5]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

In the summer of 2004 I went to my first Boy Scout camp, which was Camp Whitsett in the Kern Valley, and I remember wanting to go home. Immediately. It was a world I was ill prepared for: no air conditioning, no cell phones, no internet, no beds, no flushing toilets. My scoutmaster dragged me into the lake with the help of the other scouts, and my desire never to go in again left me with goosebumps and painful memories of the freezing temperature. The thin air of the high altitude cut my energy and dampened my soul. The sun, turgid with unbearable heat, decided to let everything loose. I felt heavy, dirty, sour and sweaty; all on the first day. I thought I was in hell.

During the beginning of that week-long trip, Ventura was closest in my mind yet farthest from my presence. I missed my family and sitting in a dark room with only my XBox and my hot pockets. I yearned to go back so I would never be obligated to stretch outside my comfort zone-a world free from duty and rife with cheap pleasures.

With the following days at camp, that perception changed. The sun softened its glare and the air no longer felt thin. I jumped into the freezing lake without being compelled by my troop. I was too busy running in my steel-toed boots towards the next activity to notice the clouds of dust that caked and choked the air around me. I learned that the trees had different names. I learned how to handle and shoot with a .22mm rifle, throw a tomahawk, and kayak all the way across the lake. The excitement I felt from the camp staff catalyzed my enthusiasm. Though I was forced to do things I was never familiar with, I derived pleasure from it. Little did I know, I was having fun.

The job application that I will submit in December, 2010 marks the fourth year that I will be applying as Camp Whitsett staff. The enjoyment I felt there stuck with me even through high school; I have made friends with scouts from as far as Las Vegas, fellow staff members who are in universities statewide, and grizzled Eagle Scouts brimming in experience. The time I have spent outdoors and with like-minded people around me has taught me not only the skills needed to survive but also the importance of those who taught me how to survive.

Since that day in 2004, I have stretched myself to try new things. I learned that the experience benefits me, even though I may be scared at first. I tried a poetry contest and won a prize. I joined the debate team and went all the way to the state competition. I took more honors classes and enjoyed every minute of it.

More importantly, I pledged to give back to others and help them try new things. I have spent entire summers since that day to give back to that one scout, one who is scared to be exposed to new things like I used to be, so that they see the benefits of a new experience before quitting so soon.
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