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Posts by meg0114
Joined: Nov 24, 2010
Last Post: Nov 24, 2010
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Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

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meg0114   
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "balance; my father did not die in a car accident" - Personal Information Essay [7]

The first part is really well written I believe. The end is a bit hasty; you spend a lot of time detailing everything that's happened and then -BAM!- like a bomb you drop the conclusion, so yeah maybe revise that a bit, add some details... Hmmmm you might want to add more about how you will contribute to the university.
meg0114   
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "financial struggles" Personal Statement [4]

The idea behind your essay is very strong.
Some places I am confused, like when you say "it was then that I realized that I was selfish, ignorant, and self-centered." There is no evidence that shows how "selfish" you claim to be. I would not consider wanting a camera to be selfish. You decided to work hard to earn it yourself, which is not selfish at all.

There are a few other minor things I would advise you to change, such as:
--That obsession was a beautiful Canon T1i Rebel Digital SLR camera
--Moving from place to place, bouncing from school to school, and from community to community : This sentence does not use parallel structure; in two parts of the sentence you use -ing verbs but you don't use it in the last part.

Also a few minor spelling errors such as understwnd
But other than that I think your essay is really strong in topic!
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