I would appreciate it if you guys correct, input some thoughts, and do anything to make it better!
UC Essay #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishyment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Throughout my childhood to my teen years, I have dealt with the financial problems of my family. My parents came from South Korea and have struggled financially because they immigrated without anything and were adjusting to a new, foreign culture. Moving from place to place, bouncing from school to school, and from community to community, growing up felt like an episode, at times, of Survivor. I didn't underswtand why my friends at school had all the hottest and latest technology while I could hardly keep up with the last version of the Apple iPod. Like any teenager, I had my little tech obsessions, especially when stress at home mounted. That obsession was this beautiful Canon T1i Rebel Digital SLR camera. It shot amazing videos and pictures and I always used my friend's camera which was the same model I wanted. I knew better than to ask for something my parents couldn't afford and so I decided to get a part-time job after school. I found a position building and cleaning microchips for a company that manufactured radiation detection devices. On the job, my boss Raj once told me a story about his financial pressures with his own family while growing up in India. Raj always told me that working hard and never giving up would always pay off in the end. His story also reminded me of what my parents always tried to do for me which was to provide me with the most they could. It was then that I realized that I was selfish, ignorant, and self-centered. My heart was conflicted with guilt and I felt heartbroken because of the way I acted towards my parents at times. It was at this instant I decided to do something useful with the money I earned.
I saved almost a thousand dollars and I wanted to do something special and unexpected for my parents. I planned out a perfect anniversary gift for them. I reserved a table for two at their favorite seafood restaurant I could find. At the end of the day, they came up to me and gave me a hug - a warm, genuine, and loving hug. They were speechless. I felt really happy and proud of what I did because I did it out of gratitude. As an end result, I realized what kind of person I really was.
Please be honest and critical! Thank you guys! I will read your guy's as well
The idea behind your essay is very strong.
Some places I am confused, like when you say "it was then that I realized that I was selfish, ignorant, and self-centered." There is no evidence that shows how "selfish" you claim to be. I would not consider wanting a camera to be selfish. You decided to work hard to earn it yourself, which is not selfish at all.
There are a few other minor things I would advise you to change, such as:
--That obsession was a beautiful Canon T1i Rebel Digital SLR camera
--Moving from place to place, bouncing from school to school, and from community to community : This sentence does not use parallel structure; in two parts of the sentence you use -ing verbs but you don't use it in the last part.
Also a few minor spelling errors such as understwnd
But other than that I think your essay is really strong in topic!
I like your essay because it has an 'honest' feel to it. Here are some suggestions:
Throughout my childhood, I have dealt with financial problems. My parents came from South Korea and struggled financially because they had immigrated without anything and they had to adjust to a new, foreign culture. Moving between places, schools, and communities, growing up felt like an episode of Survivor. I didn't understand why my friends at school had the latest technology while I could hardly keep up with the previous version of the Apple iPod. Like any teenager, I had little tech obsessions, especially when stress at home mounted. My obsession was this beautiful Canon T1i Rebel Digital SLR camera. It shot amazing videos and pictures and I always borrowed the camera from my friend. I knew better than to ask for something my parents couldn't afford and so I decided to get a part-time job after school. I found a position building and cleaning microchips for a company that manufactured radiation detection devices. On the job, my boss Raj once told me a story about his financial pressures with his own family while growing up in India. Raj always told me that working hard and never giving up would always pay off in the end. His story also reminded me of how my parents always tried to provide for me the best they could. It was then that I realized that I was being selfish, ignorant, and self-centered. My heart was conflicted with guilt and I felt heartbroken because of the way I acted towards my parents at times. It was then that I decided to do something useful with the money I earned.
I saved almost a thousand dollars and decided that I wanted to do something special and unexpected for my parents. I planned out the perfect anniversary gift for them and reserved a table for two at their favorite seafood restaurant. By the end of the day, they came up to me and gave me a hug - a warm, genuine, and loving hug. They were speechless. I felt really happy and proud of what I did because I did it out of gratitude. As an end result, I realized just what kind of person I was.
Hm. Thanks guys!
I will post up a second draft later!
Let me know if you guys need reviews too. I would like to help toooo
