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Posts by Arthua
Joined: Nov 28, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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Arthua   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" - UPenn supplement [9]

Haha, yeah I would take that red part out. It is redundant. You already expressed that UPenn is "the place for you" by stating it has all the aspects you wanted in a school.

I would say:

What UPenn has to offer is what I have always wanted in a school: strong academics, and a robust and bonded student body. UPenn will not only provide me with a rich education, but also give opportunity for me to make a difference in the world around me.

That way you have a closer that isn't so...cheesy xD
Arthua   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Can Tab Drive" Common app essay [9]

Lets see, I can't write for you because we probably have two different styles but I'll give you some ideas so that you can see what I'm getting at.

INSTEAD OF:I was inspired by the squadron's plan, and concocted a similar one of my own.

Try: My dad's squadron inspired me. The joy of accomplishment was plastered across their faces. Just the thought of that poor child, now being able to have some nice clothes and food to eat, stayed in my mind that whole day. I wanted to put a smile on the faces some family less fortunate than myself. That is when I concocted a plan similar to my dad's squadron. I wanted to do what they did, but more.

^ something like that. Just a tad of emotion, of some feeling, to show HOW you were inspired.
Arthua   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Can Tab Drive" Common app essay [9]

Well, I would write more about the effect of your father's squadron had on you. You kind of rush into what you did in response to your fathers drive, without really putting any emphasis on the personal effect on you. Maybe write something on you felt.
Arthua   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Can Tab Drive" Common app essay [9]

Wow...AMAZING essay! I really like how you made a point to outline your skills and accomplishments. Very good essay. I don't really have much more to say, I don't want to make editions that might ruin the essay. If I were you I'd leave as is, maybe double check grammar, but overall I think your essay is perfect.

Did you write all of this in one go?
Arthua   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / NASA spacesuit Cornell Engineering Supplemental [15]

...held my breath, and lit the wire that was extending to the combustion tank on fire, and ran as fast as I could. I saw my creation skyrocket about 65 feet into the sky, it was like a dream.

I would remove the "on fire" part.
IDK if you want to, but maybe throw in a course you like at Cornell (thats what I did, but you don't have to, since a lot of people are doing it. I think puting in Bell is enough.)

Although my rockets still lay buried in the ground they were first set off on, my idea has landed on Mars. As an engineer major at Cornell University, I see a wealth of opportunity in Cornell's Engineering programs such as Kessler Fellows, and The Cornell Center for Materials Research. Research is essential for engineers, with the further knowledge I can gain from Cornell's renowned researchers such as James F. Bell, I would work with them in order to allow me to fully implement my ideas in the engineering field and make them real. Although my rockets still lay buried in the ground they were first set off on, my idea has landed on Mars.

^ You repeated that line twice. Remove one, preferably the first one. I'd save that line as your closing sentence.

- to me your essay seems done. But get another source to see what they say.
Arthua   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

That was amazing...makes me wish I could rewrite my common application essay to make it as personal as how yours was.

YOUR IN.

The only I don't see you getting in, is if you have like a 2.5 GPA...which you probably don't :P
Arthua   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / NASA spacesuit Cornell Engineering Supplemental [15]

Quickly, I looked at my watch; it was 5:16 pm. Perfect.(Put perfect closer to the sentence its pertaining to. Because putting it in the next sentence, makes it make no sense)Perfect, andA s if I held a ticking time bomb, I quickly placed my hands around the base ...

... wire that was extending to the combustion tank on fire, and ran as fast as I could. As if it was a dream, I saw my creation skyrocket about 65 feet into the sky, it was like a dream .

... the arms of the Earth,but unlike the welcoming Earth, I was hoping to find it ...
(I don't understand this. 'Unlike the welcoming earth?' explain what you mean, this doesn't make sense to me. Maybe you should just remove the "..unlike the welcoming earth" part.)

My eye'seyes reflected the white frozen ice ...
(I'm doing mere grammar check so I didn't read too deeply into what your writing, but I like the part with James Bell, very specific etc. I like it)

I really like your essay, you really show you have a passion for engineering :D I'll do some more checks after I correct my essay. Love it.
Arthua   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / The 'homo sapien' is a very interesting, yet complex - Cornell Supplement [CAS] [4]

Please critic heavily. Currently its roughly like 800 words. Cut it down and criticize.
My parents want me to hand it in...like in a few hours or so :P

Prompt (500 Word Max): Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

The 'homo sapien' is a very interesting, yet complex creature. Although as humans we posses various similarities to the other creatures on this planet, we have our own distinct traits. Humans have qualities and tools that no other creature on Earth possesses. Of all the qualities humans have, the most powerful tool of them all; is the mind. Humans, for some unknown reason, are the only creatures on Earth that can think critically. The brain provides a paradigm for all aspects of human live. With the mind we can love, hate, build, and destroy. The brain allows for humans to reason, to problem solve, and to communicate. With the mind, a human can overcome the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of life. Even with all the capabilities of the human race, even with all the knowledge available to humans on this Earth, we are still perplexed by questions that cannot be answered. "Why do we act the way we act?" "Are we alone on this world?" "Where did we come from?" Questions like such that have never been answered, despite centuries and centuries of conjecture, and research. It is questions like such that provided the galvanized my interest in Anthropology. Anthropologists study a wide variety of aspects of human behavior that can be polarized into cultural anthropology and social anthropology.

I come from a strong cultural background. My family immigrated from Umunoha, in Imo State, Nigeria. Imo State is one of the 36 states in Nigeria, and the Igbo being the most spoken language in that area. I grew up with a strong African influence. Even though we were in the USA, my family made a point to introduce Nigerian tradition in all the first-generation Nigerian-Americans. From a small age, I took notice of how my family acted. I noticed that my family, and other Nigerians, possessed distinct similarities that contrasted the characteristics of the more American families of my friends. "Why?" I would ask myself. In grade school, I would wonder why everyone would sit with their perspective nationalities. For example the Hispanics would sit with the Hispanics, African-Americans sat with each other, Caucasians sat with each other, Asians with each other, etc. At the time these questions remained questions, as I was too young to understand the psychology behind such behavior.

It wasn't until high school that my mere speculations gestated into studying Anthropology. In the summer of 2007, I took a trip to Japan, with People to People Ambassador Program. In Japan I experienced first hand the Japanese culture. I became intrigued with the sociopsychological characteristics of the Japanese people. I saw the similarities and differences between Japanese people and American people. I learned that with all the differences between the cultures, the people in Japan shared a spate of similarities to not only Americans, but also my Nigerian/American family. People are all the same, despite the external distinctions in culture. Classes such as Chemistry, AP European History, AP American, AP Art History, and individual research in the school library better improved my skills and facilitated my interest in the social psychologies. I took challenging courses such as AP Physics/SAT Physics to also better prepare me for future college rigor. As high school progressed, I improved my reading and writing skills, and became more articulate in the linguistics, and natural sciences. With all the knowledge and tools I had by senior year, I still did not know what major to pursue. I began researching majors and schools, and came across the Anthropology major at Cornell College of Arts and Sciences. Cornell College of Arts and Sciences appealed to me, because of its vast professional faculty. There I would be taught, by only pure professionals who are proficient in their line of study. At Cornell I would be allowed access to prodigious research facilities, in lab and outside of the lab, so I can better study Anthropology, and obtain the most eclectic research experience. I am particularly interested in "Cultural Diversity and Contemporary Issues" and "Medicine, Culture, and Society" as those two classes seem to cover many of the scope of social psychology as it pertains to the modern world especially.

What I plan to do in the future is ambiguous, because truthfully I am ambivalent on what my future holds, but I do know that Cornell College of Arts and Sciences, is where I want to be. Although I may never be able to answer: "What is our purpose?" "Are we alone on this world?" "Where did we come from?" As an Anthropology major I will be able to answer the more mundane questions of society, such as why particular groups tend to formulate based on nationality, or why immigrants of similar background tend to live together, or why certain groups of people eat certain foods. The list goes on, majoring in Anthropology at Cornell College of Arts and Sciences l will satiate my appetite for knowledge in human behavior, and allow me the opportunity to excel in a variety of career fields.
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