Posts by xtasue

xtasue

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "to be the most influential person in the world" + "NUY mini World" -NYU Suplement [3]

Okay, so the biggest drawbacks are probably

1. Grammar

I have a dream to become the most influential person in the world.

This is such a strong, overwritten statement. Are you serious? Cause in terms of influence, you've got a competition of 6 bil. Why don't you just say you want to influence the world? It's just as profound and doesn't sound nearly as dumb.

I want to compete internationally and achieve outstanding with modern thinking, but still keeping my Asian values.

What? I have no idea what you're trying to say here. It's very vague. I think you're missing a word or two. Try to be more specific, what do you want to compete in? What do you want to achieve? What do you mean by Asian Values? <-- I would even cut that out, honestly.

I enjoyed when I work voluntarily at some social organizations and often participate in youth conference to discuss social issues.

This is by far my favorite sentence, you should start with this and talk about how it affected/inspired you.

2. Overstatement
look up at "influential person in the world"^

Question 2 is better, but really vague still.

Studying in Abu Dhabi would help me to become an open-minded person who is eager to grow through learning with diverse classmates and can take advantage of opportunities to expand horizons.

It would also teach me how to shape my world and equip me with cross-cultural understanding in becoming a global citizen.

"shape my world"? What does that mean? It's vague, I'd recommend replacing that with something else.

Both are well written, Word Choice. But work on structure and vagueness. I see that you're trying to squeeze everything into the 500 character limit. It's cool, just choose one example, explain how it influenced you. Good work, though.

xtasue

Dec 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "NYU is 'In and of the City' and..." -NYU Prompt [6]

1. It's pretty good, but I would elaborate more on what the prompt asks.

2. Basically similar to no. 1, but phrased different.

3. It sounds awkward to me and don't talk about your cousin.

Basically, you need to answer what the prompt is asking. You're saying that NYU is diverse. They know that. Speak a little bit more on specific instances that you can imagine would change you. Your problems are that you are too broad, too vague. Narrow down what you want to say. And answer the question.

Sorry if I sound harsh! But yeah, just tryna help you out.
BTW, if you can read mine... That'd be awesome.

xtasue

Dec 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "The Veepster" - CommonApp Extracurricular Description (~150 words) [2]

In my tenure as class vice-president, I have experienced the importance of honest hard work. Through various opportunities to work with students, teachers, faculty and other members of my high school community, there has been no substitute for the investment. I've spent a good number of days going to school before dawn and leaving past dusk. Although I may lack Vitamin D, my time commitment has allowed me to fully devote myself to a cause I believe in. My locker is currently filled with Spirit Chains, markers, posterboard, scissors, and staplers. No, I'm not a fifth grader; I am the Vice-President of my class. To remain an organized and focused leader is my sole responsibility. This is not to say that I have not had help. Alongside other class officers and sponsors, I have established a legacy of commitment, hard work, and vigor. The experience has taught me that communication, teamwork, and a personal dedication can consistently help one prosper.

I know it's pretty weak, so are there any pointers on what I can do to strengthen it?

xtasue

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Live, Learn, and Love" - Princeton University: Two Summers Supplement [5]

Thank you for your help!
I worked hard on this essay and was honestly, daunted by the caliber of other applicants.

Are there any other suggestions anyone else can offer?

xtasue

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Beyond the Physical" - Common App [6]

All the students in my Science Olympiad class were jumping out of their seats, ecstatically waving their hands in the air and shouting "Pick me, pick me!" .

Sounds better, emphasizes eagerness, ya know?

With the help of Quantums, I celebrated both the students' successes and their mistakes. And with a strong emphasis on doing practice problems and homework, the phrase "practice makes prefect" nearly became our motto.

Unnecessary, really. The important thing is the celebration of successes/mistakes. To emphasize that, a standalone sentence is more powerful. Plus, Quantums are only mentioned very briefly while you list things earlier in the essay.

I strived to provide my students with the confidence and the courage to tackle any challenge.

sounds less stiff than "endeavoured"

It was also one of my hardest classes, and in that respect, I identify with my students

Be more direct, less passive. Instead of using "can" just state what you would say.

I broke down tough problems into more manageable steps.

Sounds... more manageable!

Also, you might want to clarify the age of the children. I think the picture that you paint with your essay is very good with the exception of this detail. I assume the children are middle schoolers but then, I'm not sure.

Overall:
1. Your structure might be helped by transferring the first paragraph into present tense. So first and last could be a "as of now" type of thing. I'm not sure how you want to write it all, but I think this could strengthen the essay.

2. I love Physics too! Great concept. It shows off how much you care for the subject and how much you care for your students. Your passion shines through the words.

Also, thank you for reviewing my essay! I appreciate the encouragement.

xtasue

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "the last four weeks of eleventh grade" - MIT- Most challenging situation essay [7]

At the last month of every year an organization called Ghalamchi conducts four weekly tests, consisting of the subjects taught in fall, winter, and summer and one combined test. About sixty thousand students participate each year and the top 20 of the fourth test would get their picture in the Ghalamchi magazine. But that wasn't important to me. I just needed to show my physics teacher, and mentor at the time, that I could crack the top 20.

As it turned out, he was cheating. He had purchased the answers to each test from the delivery boy who happened to pass from his daily route to school. Who knows? Maybe if he hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have tried so hard (Is that why you were trying hard? I thought you were trying hard because of your mentor,... and how about yourself?! but what I learned through this was that no matter my surroundings I should always try my best to achieve my goals (this is good), and if that isn't enough, then I should try harder.

-- Your message is really unclear, and honestly (sorry if I'm harsh) but it sounds bad.

xtasue

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Beirut, 17 years ago" - My country's influence - MIT world essay [4]

- "Beirut, 17 years ago, I was born." -- In my opinion, it is almost awkwardly inverted as a sentence. You could convey "I was born 17 years ago in Beirut" and it would have the exact same meaning, except slightly more comprehensible.

- "Lebanese people are often compared to the mythical phoenix, the bird that, after being burnt, arises from the ashes, reborn anew to live again. " --- This is really good. It gives great imagery and it's a good comparison.

- "This comparison highlights the Lebanese determination when facing adversity, to refuse defeat and to pursue with increasing vigor their fight for success. "
- "I believe I did profit from that diversity."-- Of course you did, now elaborate on that.
- "What would I do with that cultural background? I believe I have to help effecting a positive impact in the Lebanese as well as the international society, whether on the economic and industrial level or on the ecological and social one ." Awkward and wordy, IMO. You should simplify it. You've done good with the idea, but it needs to be slightly elaborated and better worded.

With only 250 words, I understand you have constraints, but it also allows you to get into the thick of the matter. You wrote a lot about your country, which is good, but I think you need more about yourself.

xtasue

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Live, Learn, and Love" - Princeton University: Two Summers Supplement [5]

I have a couple of questions, actually:

1) Is this asking the summers of 2008 and 2009, or 2009 and 2010? I wrote about the latter and then I read some essays on here and got confused. Either way, I'd be fine but, just wondering.

2) I know I took a risk on the first one, but that's honestly what I can gather from my memory of that summer! Tell me what works/what doesn't work/ WHY it doesn't work. Basically, an overall impression would be good, thank you!

PROMPT: Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application. (Max 2500 char)

I spent the summer of 2009 in love. It was on a bright day in June when I began a rapacious affair with an older, significantly more antiquated character, Merriam-Webster. It started with the intellectual stimulation of my curiosity. While reading a copy of Time magazine, I noticed that the language was quite foreign to me. It was long, verbose and tantalizingly intricate. As I read past the opening summary and got into the first sentences, the masterful use of language is what fascinated me. Although I had perfected the art of thoughtful reading through years of practice, I had never been a particularly strong writer. I often struggled to find my way around appropriate word choices and the difficult task of simplifying lumpy, awkward sentences. So when I find literature that articulates ideas in a succinct yet expressive manner, I often read it, regardless of content. Carefully analyzing the display of linguistic acrobatics, I picked up new diction and structural cues that have since helped me develop as a writer. For all the unrecognizable words, I trusted my copy of "Merriam-Webster's New Encyclopedic Dictionary". In every instance, it unfailingly produced a definition. I am forever indebted to the linguistic masters who produced and published that writer's manual. Much of my summer was spent in this fashion; reading thought-provoking articles with genres ranging from young adult fiction to medical journals. Not only did I learn new material, but also phraseology. Reading continues to be one of my favorite pastimes.

Learning was always an important aspect of my life. As a foreign exchange student, I learned more about the world than I ever did from a textbook in history class. In mid-2010, I traversed the bustling port cities and mountainous mid-regions of Japan for two short weeks. The lessons are enduring and invaluable. One of my most memorable moments was a day spent in silence. I learned the importance of body language. I had a mild cold and speaking was a painful and tiring task. Plus, having only limited language skills in Japanese, a surgical mask upon my face was further hindrance. After the first day of gesturing and eye contact, I was humbled. The language barrier was surpassed by this newfound communication. I seemed to have communicated better than in my broken, non-native Japanese. By utilizing varying degrees of body language, I learned that some of the most basic and significant messages are often unsaid but already understood.