Posts by kaobrien
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 |
Last Post: Dec 26, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 4
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From: Copenhagen
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Displayed posts: 5
Undergraduate /
"Afro-Psych-Ology; A Place of Warmth amid Cold; Uniquely Implausible" Why Swarthmore! [3]
I like the final paragraph a lot. Great connection between your English teacher and now. As for the first two sections, I think you need to cut back on "afropsychology". Give a brief explanation of what it is and why you want to do it, then focus more on how Swarthmore helps you achieve it. I would cut out the part about reading the professor's book. It looks like you're pointlessly name-dropping, though I'm sure it wasn't your intention. I would cut out the sentence about Sharples and maybe focus more on the personal qualities of the school as opposed to the aesthetic ones. After all, there are pretty campuses everywhere. Overall, a good essay though. Best of luck!
Undergraduate /
"the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]
There's not much content. Similar to what others have commented, you've more or less just reworded the prompt. I would add more of your personality to it. What specifically don't you know? Or even the general specific, if that makes sense. Are your views, what you've been raised to believe, definite? Maybe your idea of right and wrong aren't correct. If you've ever questioned your faith, try exploring that.
Undergraduate /
"Alec's suicide" - significant event, Common App [13]
To be more eloquent, my loss of faith caused by Alec's suicide is what caused my depression. The loss of faith in an afterlife is the reason the 'rebirth' was possible in Thailand. Why do you think it should be cut?
Undergraduate /
"Learning to accept my new life" - Common App General Essay [2]
I really like this essay. Going off of what the commenter above said, maybe change the sentence
Through the few photo albums and my grandparents' stories, I learned that Mommy and Daddy made the decision to have my grandparents raise me only because they didn't want me to suffer the hardships they had to endure in America.to something like:
It was through my grandparent's stories and their photo albums that I learned about my parents; they had left me with my Grandparents in hopes of sparing me from the trials of immigration.
Undergraduate /
"Alec's suicide" - significant event, Common App [13]
Evaluate an experience which had a significant effect on you. For the common application.On March 1st, 2010, I sat at my desk finishing homework as the tragedy that had occurred nearly 4,500 miles away was relayed across miles of bottomless blue to my mother. When she entered my room to relay the news to me, it was late -nearly 1:00 a.m. The black phone gleamed in her hand like a revolver. Her face was aged, as if decades had passed in one night. Immediately, my thoughts flickered to my dad and grandparents. They were the only ones who ever called us on the house phone. When was the last time I'd spoken with them? Were they okay? She sat down on the edge of my bed; the red sheets splayed behind her like pools of blood. "Alec killed himself."
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