Undergraduate / FSU essay: "Vires", has been forefront in my life [2]

I recently wrote a similar essay for UF, which I like better than this one... But please critique. Thank you very much!

The Florida State University motto "Vires, Artes, Mores" focuses on strength, the arts, and tradition. Although I believe that I embody each of these characteristics, mental and intellectual strength, as signified by "Vires", has been forefront in my life. The recent and sudden death of my father has made me the emotionally and mentally stronger young woman I am today.

My strength was certainly challenged towards the end of my sophomore year, when the news of my father's illness sent shock waves through my body. I couldn't imagine how I would ever survive without my dad's big bear hugs, or his enthusiasm when it came to helping me for school in any way he could. I thought I had prepared myself to see him laying in a hospital bed, but I soon realized that I would never be ready for that sight. I would not allow myself to think of my life without my dad, but I had to face that reality only a short month later.

When my dad passed away, it took me several days to make sense of anything that was happening. I wanted to avoid the real world, and the reality that my father was gone. I could have easily slipped into a cocoon and hid from my emotions. However, a part of me knew that I was stronger than that. My father taught me to have a work ethic that was untouchable, even when my life wasn't exactly what I had planned. Because of my mental and intellectual strength, my grades never once slipped, even when I was visiting my dad every night for hours. My main priority was still to make my dad proud, which is what I intended to do.

My strength grew during this life changing experience, and continues to grow everyday. My father's death was an untimely event that humbled me and changed me as a person dramatically. I believe that I have been transformed into a stronger person, both mentally and emotionally. The little things in life that used to dominate my thoughts a year ago are now not as important. I have gained the ability to see what is really important, particularly my own family. Also, my great moral strength has improved my work ethic and I am now even more encouraged to fight for what I want. My father's only request of me was to make him proud, which is what I intend to do every day for the rest of my life. Although I will come across more obstacles like my father's death, I know I have the strength to carry on and use the experience to better myself. As a student at Florida State University, I will carry over my mental and emotional strength to become a student that I know would make my dad proud.

Undergraduate / UF about my father and ulcerative colitis [6]

If anyone could please offer me some advice on how to improve my essay, I would really appreciate it. I know it's a touchy subject, but what I really need is some constructive criticism. Thank you!

Your father, the man who has raised you since the day you were born, has died.

This is one of the few things that someone can tell you that makes your knees go weak, your heart drop to the floor, and your mind go absolutely blank. However, this is exactly what I was told toward the end of my sophomore year. In a matter of pure seconds, I changed from a naďve sixteen-year-old that did not think past what was for dinner that night, to someone that I never knew I was going to be. I changed into someone that was confused and vulnerable, but also someone who would become stronger mentally after realizing what was really important in life.

My dad developed ulcerative colitis about a month before he died, and he truly had been the epitome of health before that. When he checked himself in to the hospital, I could not comprehend what was happening all too quickly. My dad, the one who woke me up every morning despite my inevitable whining, the one who would stay up with me all night until I knew every fact for the next day's test, the one who I could honestly say would do anything in his ability to make me happy, was dying. At the time, I could not think past the handfuls of wires sticking out from all over his body in that hospital bed. I would not allow myself to think of my life without him.

On June 4th, I was forced to face the fact that I could survive without my father. From the moment he was gone, I knew that I had to stay strong because all I had ever wanted was for him to be proud of me. The last thing my dad told me was that he loved me and I had made him proud, and I intend to keep making him proud every day. I feel that I have gained a new and unique perspective on my life, one that allows me see what is really important. There really is no possible way for me to have much concern for unimportant matters, when I have seen how fragile and unpredictable life can really be.

After my father's death, I could have easily slipped into a cocoon and avoided the real world. Instead, I chose to embrace my life and live as a responsible, determined, and compassionate young woman. My father taught me to appreciate what I have, and I have only grown to understand the real meaning of that advice since his passing.

When I think about possibly attending the University of Florida I am so excited for the opportunity that I will be given. My father did not have the chance to attend a university, and this had been one of his many dreams for me. I am looking forward to carrying on his personal tradition of self-reliance and improving myself, as a student and as a person, every single day.