If anyone could please offer me some advice on how to improve my essay, I would really appreciate it. I know it's a touchy subject, but what I really need is some constructive criticism. Thank you!
Your father, the man who has raised you since the day you were born, has died.
This is one of the few things that someone can tell you that makes your knees go weak, your heart drop to the floor, and your mind go absolutely blank. However, this is exactly what I was told toward the end of my sophomore year. In a matter of pure seconds, I changed from a naďve sixteen-year-old that did not think past what was for dinner that night, to someone that I never knew I was going to be. I changed into someone that was confused and vulnerable, but also someone who would become stronger mentally after realizing what was really important in life.
My dad developed ulcerative colitis about a month before he died, and he truly had been the epitome of health before that. When he checked himself in to the hospital, I could not comprehend what was happening all too quickly. My dad, the one who woke me up every morning despite my inevitable whining, the one who would stay up with me all night until I knew every fact for the next day's test, the one who I could honestly say would do anything in his ability to make me happy, was dying. At the time, I could not think past the handfuls of wires sticking out from all over his body in that hospital bed. I would not allow myself to think of my life without him.
On June 4th, I was forced to face the fact that I could survive without my father. From the moment he was gone, I knew that I had to stay strong because all I had ever wanted was for him to be proud of me. The last thing my dad told me was that he loved me and I had made him proud, and I intend to keep making him proud every day. I feel that I have gained a new and unique perspective on my life, one that allows me see what is really important. There really is no possible way for me to have much concern for unimportant matters, when I have seen how fragile and unpredictable life can really be.
After my father's death, I could have easily slipped into a cocoon and avoided the real world. Instead, I chose to embrace my life and live as a responsible, determined, and compassionate young woman. My father taught me to appreciate what I have, and I have only grown to understand the real meaning of that advice since his passing.
When I think about possibly attending the University of Florida I am so excited for the opportunity that I will be given. My father did not have the chance to attend a university, and this had been one of his many dreams for me. I am looking forward to carrying on his personal tradition of self-reliance and improving myself, as a student and as a person, every single day.
Thank you so much for your help, and I am so sorry about your mother. Also, I'll keep your dad in my thoughts, hoping he'll make a full recovery. That's a really tough situation to go through, but it seems like you are a very strong person. Stay positive. :)
Hmmm, well I was reading over my essay again and I just want it to be really good. Besides mechanical errors, do you think it's actually a good essay or does it need some more work? Thank you!
Good morning. Thank you for your kind words.
In a matter of pure seconds, I changed from a naďve sixteen-year-old that did not think past what was for dinner that night, to someone that I never knew I was going to be. I changed into someone that was confused and vulnerable, but also someone who would become stronger mentally after realizing what was really important in life. This is a good introduction; it sets up your readers for the rest of your text.
When I think about possibly attending the University of Florida I am so excited for the opportunity that I will be given.
Great job. I think your content is well linked. It flows from one section to the next, and they are all related, keeping your entire text relevant. You show your commitment to becoming a better student on campus, and show your maturity through your life experience reflected in your writing. I think it is great the way it is.
