Jimbort
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Alfred Reed's Russian Christmas Music challenged me UVA- College of Arts and Sciences [4]
Any more comments?
Any more comments?
Jimbort
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Butterfly Effect" - Common App - Personal Statement [4]
This essay is a college admissions personal statement and a topic of my choice
"The Butterfly Effect"
A stiff breeze causes me to sway on my feet as I look out over the water. My gaze shifts lazily from the darkened horizon to my bare feet in the sand and the occasional lapping wave erasing the record of beachgoers for the day. Of all the footsteps on the now dark beach, there is only one set that corresponds to my current location. At any time, I could easily move myself in an infinite number of directions for an undetermined number of feet, but against all odds, I remain, the salty air stinging my nostrils.
In the span of thirty seconds, by simply standing on an empty beach, my future may have been significantly altered. The series of minute decisions made during this small window in time could have allowed me to ponder ideas long forgotten or take a new look at an old image. Denying the potential for change held by the decisions we make is impossible, no matter the consequences.
Now, as I reach another fork in the road of life, I recognize that this utensil has an abnormally large number of tines. I have been previously inclined to think that my selection of a college or university is going to have the longest standing effect of any decision I have yet made, but a deeper logic tells me otherwise. If my entire life has been made up of decisions, why should getting out of bed this morning, or putting on a certain pair of jeans, or choosing Cheerios over oatmeal have carried any less weight? Who is to say that I should not be halfway across the country, travelling with a troupe of acrobats?
I do not dismiss the value of furthering my education but actually quite the opposite. I simply acknowledge the value of the small choices we make: the smile to an unknown passerby, the congratulations to a successful opponent, the anonymous gesture of kindness. These are the decisions that compose my character and make all the others worthwhile. While an education is an enormous part of my life, my life is made entirely of choices and I plan to make every one of them count. So the next time I find myself alone with my thoughts on any empty beach, I won't be waiting for my next big decision. I will be excited to take that first step in one of an infinite number of potential directions for a number of feet yet to be determined.
This essay is a college admissions personal statement and a topic of my choice
"The Butterfly Effect"
A stiff breeze causes me to sway on my feet as I look out over the water. My gaze shifts lazily from the darkened horizon to my bare feet in the sand and the occasional lapping wave erasing the record of beachgoers for the day. Of all the footsteps on the now dark beach, there is only one set that corresponds to my current location. At any time, I could easily move myself in an infinite number of directions for an undetermined number of feet, but against all odds, I remain, the salty air stinging my nostrils.
In the span of thirty seconds, by simply standing on an empty beach, my future may have been significantly altered. The series of minute decisions made during this small window in time could have allowed me to ponder ideas long forgotten or take a new look at an old image. Denying the potential for change held by the decisions we make is impossible, no matter the consequences.
Now, as I reach another fork in the road of life, I recognize that this utensil has an abnormally large number of tines. I have been previously inclined to think that my selection of a college or university is going to have the longest standing effect of any decision I have yet made, but a deeper logic tells me otherwise. If my entire life has been made up of decisions, why should getting out of bed this morning, or putting on a certain pair of jeans, or choosing Cheerios over oatmeal have carried any less weight? Who is to say that I should not be halfway across the country, travelling with a troupe of acrobats?
I do not dismiss the value of furthering my education but actually quite the opposite. I simply acknowledge the value of the small choices we make: the smile to an unknown passerby, the congratulations to a successful opponent, the anonymous gesture of kindness. These are the decisions that compose my character and make all the others worthwhile. While an education is an enormous part of my life, my life is made entirely of choices and I plan to make every one of them count. So the next time I find myself alone with my thoughts on any empty beach, I won't be waiting for my next big decision. I will be excited to take that first step in one of an infinite number of potential directions for a number of feet yet to be determined.
Jimbort
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being a member of the debate team" - Georgia Tech Extracurricular Essay [2]
Firstly, this is a good topic that definitely has potential to illustrate your strengths. It does, however, need some polishing.
Like you said, the essay does seem bland and lacks true substance as well as cohesiveness. The introduction has a good premise but many of your phrases are short and choppy ("When I am done, I sit down", "The room erupts with applause"). If you could try and put these together, it could flow much more effectively.
The second paragraph is a little confusing as it does not actually sow passion for debate but actually the opposite. You seem reluctant to do so in that you parents "forced" you to join and that they were "sick" of arguing with you. If you could show that your impression of debate was wrong or how you have grown to love debate, I think the reluctance could be considered a plus but you want to counter it with plenty of positives about your attitude towards debate. In addition, you use the word "debate" far too much in this paragraph so you might want to consider some change in diction to facilitate a little variety. This applies to your sentences as well as they all seem a bit formulaic in structure. Try varying the word choice along with the sentence length to make it a little more interesting to read and a little less tedious.
The third paragraph starts to describe how your experience with debate has changed you but there are a number of issues. You don't want to start with the word "First" if you are not going to continue to list other reasons. You may want to reconsider listing these changes at all and let them flow a little better. You still have a few fragmented sentences which impede the cohesiveness ("Debate has also helped me mature"). The main issue with this paragraph is the very straightforward nature. You list off the ways it has changed you but you do not do it in an entertaining way. The "caveman" metaphor is a little out of place as it is the only example of creative language.
This essay has potential but it goes need some revision. If you can vary your sentence structure by starting them with words other than "I", "My", or "The", you will hear a massive change in the way it reads. Make sure to check on the grammar as well as there are a few examples of misused commas.
This link is to an article that talks about how you can vary sentence structure and I have found it very helpful in the past
owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/573/01/
Firstly, this is a good topic that definitely has potential to illustrate your strengths. It does, however, need some polishing.
Like you said, the essay does seem bland and lacks true substance as well as cohesiveness. The introduction has a good premise but many of your phrases are short and choppy ("When I am done, I sit down", "The room erupts with applause"). If you could try and put these together, it could flow much more effectively.
The second paragraph is a little confusing as it does not actually sow passion for debate but actually the opposite. You seem reluctant to do so in that you parents "forced" you to join and that they were "sick" of arguing with you. If you could show that your impression of debate was wrong or how you have grown to love debate, I think the reluctance could be considered a plus but you want to counter it with plenty of positives about your attitude towards debate. In addition, you use the word "debate" far too much in this paragraph so you might want to consider some change in diction to facilitate a little variety. This applies to your sentences as well as they all seem a bit formulaic in structure. Try varying the word choice along with the sentence length to make it a little more interesting to read and a little less tedious.
The third paragraph starts to describe how your experience with debate has changed you but there are a number of issues. You don't want to start with the word "First" if you are not going to continue to list other reasons. You may want to reconsider listing these changes at all and let them flow a little better. You still have a few fragmented sentences which impede the cohesiveness ("Debate has also helped me mature"). The main issue with this paragraph is the very straightforward nature. You list off the ways it has changed you but you do not do it in an entertaining way. The "caveman" metaphor is a little out of place as it is the only example of creative language.
This essay has potential but it goes need some revision. If you can vary your sentence structure by starting them with words other than "I", "My", or "The", you will hear a massive change in the way it reads. Make sure to check on the grammar as well as there are a few examples of misused commas.
This link is to an article that talks about how you can vary sentence structure and I have found it very helpful in the past
owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/573/01/
Jimbort
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'VE BEEN CHASED BY ISRAELI SECURITY GUARDS" - HELP with common app [9]
This essay does a great job of displaying your maturity and just how much your experiences with your brother have shaped who you are. Your introduction is very creative and ties into your subject nicely. That being said, I would like to see more about you. The actual description of how you have been affected by your brother does not actually start until the second to last paragraph and the vast majority of the preceding ones describe your brother. If you could creatively elaborate on each of your experiences with your brother (such as those mentioned in the introduction) and how they specifically made you who you are, it would make an enormous difference.
From the way your essay reads, I am sure you are a talented storyteller as it flows the same way a person would speak. This, however, is a blessing and a curse as it makes the paper transition very well but it can allow for some slight tone shifts that do not make sense. The fourth paragraph ("We call him Danny Shevuvani...") does not match the tone of the rest of the essay. While it is full of well-executed descriptive comedy, it does not match its surroundings. I like it's content, but you would need to add similar stuff to the other paragraphs to make it a perfectly cohesive package.
This essay does a great job of displaying your maturity and just how much your experiences with your brother have shaped who you are. Your introduction is very creative and ties into your subject nicely. That being said, I would like to see more about you. The actual description of how you have been affected by your brother does not actually start until the second to last paragraph and the vast majority of the preceding ones describe your brother. If you could creatively elaborate on each of your experiences with your brother (such as those mentioned in the introduction) and how they specifically made you who you are, it would make an enormous difference.
From the way your essay reads, I am sure you are a talented storyteller as it flows the same way a person would speak. This, however, is a blessing and a curse as it makes the paper transition very well but it can allow for some slight tone shifts that do not make sense. The fourth paragraph ("We call him Danny Shevuvani...") does not match the tone of the rest of the essay. While it is full of well-executed descriptive comedy, it does not match its surroundings. I like it's content, but you would need to add similar stuff to the other paragraphs to make it a perfectly cohesive package.
Jimbort
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Alfred Reed's Russian Christmas Music challenged me UVA- College of Arts and Sciences [4]
What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
I chose Alfred Reed's Russian Christmas Music
In 1944, Alfred Reed wrote the famous concert band piece Russian Christmas Music in only sixteen days. With such a small window of time for composition, the piece has received an unrivaled level of praise, all of which is well deserved. I have performed this piece for three years now at my high school's annual Christmas concert and each time, it has thoroughly moved me and visibly moved the audience. Our rendition of this classic piece has always been slightly different than those I have seen performed elsewhere. We do not play the entire piece but rather the final build-up and climax. Beginning with a series of mysterious and intriguing trombone swells, the introduction is backed by the distant regal melody of chimes. As this section accelerates and expands to include the entire ensemble, reaching a point at which it could not grow any greater, it explodes with a final feeling of triumph, receding to reveal a soothing clarinet and bassoon rhythm intertwined with the longing call of a French horn. Accompanying this change in mood, is the entire choral department with an eerie and yet soothing recitation of a Russian carol. This is the moment that has the most profound effect on both the audience and performers, making it rare to see a dry eye. Tension builds yet again as the trumpets and trombone sound their majestic theme and the rolling triplets accelerate to the peak. The summit is met with the pounding of timpani and liberal use of chimes backing a now roaring brass and woodwind ensemble. The resolving note sounds and the silence, as loud as an explosion, reverberates through the room, as well as my heart and soul.
What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?
I chose Alfred Reed's Russian Christmas Music
In 1944, Alfred Reed wrote the famous concert band piece Russian Christmas Music in only sixteen days. With such a small window of time for composition, the piece has received an unrivaled level of praise, all of which is well deserved. I have performed this piece for three years now at my high school's annual Christmas concert and each time, it has thoroughly moved me and visibly moved the audience. Our rendition of this classic piece has always been slightly different than those I have seen performed elsewhere. We do not play the entire piece but rather the final build-up and climax. Beginning with a series of mysterious and intriguing trombone swells, the introduction is backed by the distant regal melody of chimes. As this section accelerates and expands to include the entire ensemble, reaching a point at which it could not grow any greater, it explodes with a final feeling of triumph, receding to reveal a soothing clarinet and bassoon rhythm intertwined with the longing call of a French horn. Accompanying this change in mood, is the entire choral department with an eerie and yet soothing recitation of a Russian carol. This is the moment that has the most profound effect on both the audience and performers, making it rare to see a dry eye. Tension builds yet again as the trumpets and trombone sound their majestic theme and the rolling triplets accelerate to the peak. The summit is met with the pounding of timpani and liberal use of chimes backing a now roaring brass and woodwind ensemble. The resolving note sounds and the silence, as loud as an explosion, reverberates through the room, as well as my heart and soul.
