Posts by flyover jayne

flyover jayne

May 15, 2011

Graduate / Application packet for the Master's of social and cultural foundation - intent letter [4]

One of the most important things that I discovered while writing my letters of intent/personal statements was to speak in an active voice. Get rid of all the passive undertones and your essay/letter will have more life. I've gone through your essay and added my own thoughts to improve the flow and tone of your letter. These are only suggestions - I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something better - and I hope they're helpful.

I recommend just jumping right off into what you want from the university instead of giving a rather slow and unoriginal introduction via "my name is..." You could keep your second paragraph and spice it up a bit with more vivid imagery or even try something like: I wish to enroll in the Master's of Social and Cultural Foundation at ____ University.

~~My name is xxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx and I graduated from xxxx xxxx University with honors in December 2010~~ . It is with great pleasure that I submit my application packet for the Master's of social and cultural foundation. The courses offered by this program~~by the Masters of social and cultural foundation in xxxxxx University has brought a~~is ofgreat interest to me. I ~~have been~~ long~~ing~~ to continue my studiesyonin such a creative and well developed program. 

xxxxxx University's~~is a~~unique multicultural, urban environment and partnership with over 150 schools in the xxxland area will provide me with the academic landscape to flourish as a future teacher (or professor?)~~one of the only schools known for it's multicultural urban environments and have a partnership with more than over 150 schools in the xxxxxxland area, where I am planning to teach and~~

~~In view of this, it is~~ My greatest pursuit is to to further my education and career through the Master of Social and Cultural Foundation in your Education department and be a part of xxxxxx University roll of dedicated alumni in the future. My plans after graduating are to create~~ing~~ a more in-depth program for youth (need more details- to do what exactly with the youths?) while developing a strong relationship with the many surrounding neighborhoods. I see ~~and~~ the diverse creativity of xxxxxx University's educational direction isas a perfect ~~outline~~foundationfor achievingmy success.

Many years ago,(it would be interesting to add whatever made you think of this idea many years ago - if some event happened you could talk about it, however you may have done so already in your personal statement) I developed~~have always had~~ the desire to begin a not for profit organization dedicated to helping and serving young people in Cxxxxx. In October 2009, I had the opportunity of creating The Prxxxxx xxxx fxxxxxxx. (Tell more about what this program did and specifically what it did to help you grow as an individual to know that this career is the one for you) Since graduating in December 2010, I have spent my time assisting high school students in graduating, college selection and other personal concerns all the while researching graduate schools for myself.~~I have researched graduate schools and dedicated my time in assisting high school students in graduating, college selection and other personal concerns.Traveling to different cities, researching their educational departments is other important things I have been doing as well since I graduated in December.~~(you may not have to include this unless you can find a way to fit it in better with the paragraph instead of having it inserted as kind of an after thought). Even with my lack of~~though I do not have any~~ formal teaching experience, I have the passion and tenacity for education as well as the continuous drive to change the education of one child at time. (this is a generalized statement unless you can show the passion and tenacity by using an example to backup the claim.)

Upon completion of~~getting~~ my degree I plan to~~After finishing my Master Degree, I would like to~~ enroll inthe doctorate program, where my~~and then I would like to continue my~~ educational career in the Cxxxxxx Public School system will continue. I strongly believe that after the completion of my program~~study~~ I will have obtained the necessary knowledge within the field of education to do something...?(I wouldn't say you have the necessary knowledge, it implies that you'll be done then with learning, and as humans... we're never done with learning :) ). My dream is to ensure every child is given the same opportunity to obtain a good and complete education(this is kind of blah - can you think of another way to describe this education? Maybe instead of good you could say 'sound' and 'responsible' although I'm not sure if responsible goes with education) . I am a detailed and driven individual who can contribute immensely to the continued success and reputation of the xxxxxx University's College of Education - cut and paste this higher up..

Ms. Cxxxxx, thank you for considering my credentials. I ~~will~~ look forward to future correspondence regarding~~in hearing from you regarding~~ my continuing education at xxxxx.

flyover jayne

Feb 5, 2011

Graduate / Peace Corps essay #2, My foreign exchange sister, Debbie [4]

To answer your questions, I do believe this essay is very interesting and I definitely think you need to add how you are going to apply what you've experienced to your work with the Peace Corps.

I've got a few suggestions:

The second sentence is incredibly long and complicated - and takes up the space of a paragraph! :)

Learning about foreign cultures has always been a great passion of mine. This yearning (or craving) for culture has influenced me to take courses in Japanese, Italian, and Spanish language and culture.In addition, it has given me the opportunity to forge lasting friendships with people of varied ethnicities~~ties~~ , and ~~maybe~~perhaps most importantly, to invite Debbie, a Foreign exchange student from Switzerland, to live with my family for an entire school year.

Living with Debbie for eight months has challenged the way I regarded many American idiosyncrasies, as well as core values that I've been raised with. For instance, Debbie could never understand why people would ask "how are you?" and walk away without hearing the answer. I discovered that Debbie had more trouble speaking English in the morning (that's interesting - why?) , she loved educating us about Swiss culture, and anything in the refrigerator without a clear "do not eat" sign was fair game. We also learned pretty quickly never to call her Swedish. It was sometimes hard to determine if our differences were due to cultural diversity, or if they stemmed from beliefs, customs, and habits that can vary even within a community. (I'm unclear as to the point you're trying to make in the last sentence - after or you give an example of cultural diversity - difference in beliefs, customs and habits - what do you mean?)

It wasn't until I ~~got~~was able to spend six weeks living with her family (where?) that I had the opportunity~~chance~~ to distinguish (not sure distinguish is the right word - cultural values help shape personal preferences and it would be very hard to distinguish which influenced her behavior - perhaps you could just say you observed?) between Debbie's personal preferences and the underlying cultural values that helped to shape her. After meeting her family and friends, I ~~deduced~~found that not everyone in Switzerland iswas as opinionated as her~~she is~~ . The social norms of Western European teenagers was~~were~~ not as difficult to adapt to, though it meant getting used to traveling by train instead of car, spending a great deal of~~as much~~ time outdoors ~~as possible~~ , and stopping for smoke breaks every fifteen minutes or so. I found that my confidence in meeting new people took a bit of a blow, but people were mostly helpful and understanding, especially when I attempted to speak with them in my broken Italian. (this would be a wonderful sentence to elaborate on for the Peace Corps - they're looking to know that you can handle culture shock - give examples of how you felt, whether it be scared or frustrated - and write about how you worked your way through problems rather than just a general 'people were understanding and helpful'.)

Living with my foreign exchange sister brought its challenges, both cultural and personal. I had to let go of my own~~some of the~~ stereotypes ~~I had~~ (none of the French men I met even had a moustache!). I altered a few of my habits (I missed peanut butter the most), and developed new tastes (I never thought I'd like rabbit). Through all of this change, I learned about myself and my country, and I gained a lifelong friend, teacher, traveling buddy, and sister. - I would suggest adding to this paragraph, and detailing how the experience of knowing Debbie will enable you to feel comfortable with another cultural environment. Speak of how you're open to cultural differences, how you like to learn customs and behaviors that are different from your own, basically how this experience will help you fit in when you will be culturally isolated.

Hope this Helps!

flyover jayne

Feb 3, 2011

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Graduate School in Bioarchaeology field in the UK [4]

Thank you so much!

Any opinions on this rewording:

My premise is that since perceptions and the idea of self are formed through social (could be replaced with cultural) interactions then the importance of classification lies with determining patterns of social influences on race.

Or still too complicated?

flyover jayne

Feb 1, 2011

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Graduate School in Bioarchaeology field in the UK [4]

This is a somewhat completed first draft of a SOP. I have several thoughts and questions that I'm hoping to garner some feedback for. (Saved for the end). The program that I'm applying for (or will be) is in the field of bio archaeology - specifically Human Osteology at one school and Paleopathology at another. Both schools are in the UK - I am in the US

Instructions: from U of Sheffield:A supporting statement A
You should supply a statement giving your reasons for applying for the course and any other information you want to supply in support of your application.

As a condition of solitude, Rainer Maria Rilke declared he wanted "to be with those who know secret things or else alone" (1906). By evaluating the changing human condition overtime it can be said with great certainty that our prehistory is full of secret things. It was a response to these secrets that propelled me to pursue a contentious venture into human variation and undertake my bachelor's essay and research project entitled, "Constructing Race: Skin Color, Self-Perception and Cognitive Influences on Racial Classification". As the title suggests, I endeavored to explore modern perceptions of race categories and the subjective influences that shape percepts into a measurable system. My premise being that since perceptions and the idea of self are formed through social interactions then the importance lies with indentifying patterns of social influences on skin-color.

Empirically grounded, my thesis provided me with the experience to identify connections to theoretical perspectives and rationalize which aspects of a sociocultural matrix (such as education, cultural background, sex, religion and external media sources, including violence and crime) perpetuated the idea of race. I was able to engage the seminal literature of several theorists inside the realm of anthropology as well as apart from it, including Marvin Harris' Referential Ambiguity in the Calculus of Brazilian Racial Identity, civil rights activist W.E.B. Dubois' The Souls of Black Folk and the conflicting theories of social anthropologist Claude Levi Straus and French philosopher Jacques Derrida. It was during the practical part of my research that I was able to successfully gauge a respondent's comfort level on several topics of race, as well as utilize observational skills and statistical methods for surveying results. This allowed me to apply analytical and quantitative forms of research as well as approach the research in a holistic manner. And while the results proved to be just as contradictory as the idea of race itself, this project afforded me the opportunity to experience real academic scholarship and research by formulating theories, building upon them, and discarding them when they proved insufficient.

My bachelor's essay was not the sum of my interests, but rather the starting point for branching into the fields of anthropology. It was through my key courses in archaeology and ecology, that I developed an affinity for examining physiological and morphological changes due to developmental conditions, diseases and nutrition. More importantly, I wanted to know how the relationship of these factors tied together with present day human variation and the effects they had on developing societies as well as past societies. With these questions in mind, I endeavored to strike a balance with my preoccupation with biological anthropology and archaeology and began an internship with a center for chimpanzee and orangutan conservation. Here, my research interests paralleled, allowing me to simultaneously study human interaction and diversity for my senior thesis, as well as the biological and comparative aspects of our ape relatives.

In pursuit of converging interests, I decided to take a year off from school before pursuing graduate studies. As a result of delaying the application process, I was able to continue volunteering at my internship center through the beginning of summer. Here, I reasoned, was a chance to summarize elements of past courses at the undergraduate level and narrow my field of interest, while still in the presence of anthropology, so that I would be able to focus on where I wanted my studies to take me. As a result, I feel the field of bio-archaeology is the culmination of my studies, carrying with it all the characteristics that I value in studying humanity.

- I have another paragraph that is in the works for under this one, specifically mentioning the university that I wish to attend and why, although I haven't worked it all out yet.

My first question would be (for honest feedback) is if this essay conveys a personal meaning for the love of archaeology and biological anthropology. I feel that I may need to insert another paragraph detailing archaeology as it did get pushed to the side.

Was the summary of my bachelor's essay understandable and helpful for understanding my personal interests?

Any type of conflicting wording - please point out as flow is extremely important to me

Also, in the UK archaeology is seen as separate from anthropology and I didn't know if I should write my essay detailing them separate from one another, as anthropology in the US includes archaeology as a subfield.

I have more archaeological experience than anything else, including courses and a field school. I also have an profound interest in Native American studies, and my field school was at a Native American reservation, but I didn't know if I should include this as my interest now lies in detailing past lives from remains.

Any helpful insight would be greatly appreciated and in the meantime I'll continue writing.