My name is xxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx and I graduated from xxxx xxxx University with honors in December 2010. It is with great pleasure that I submit my application packet for the Master's of social and cultural foundation. The courses offered by the Masters of social and cultural foundation in xxxxxx University has brought a great interest to me. I have been longing to continue my study on such a creative and well developed program.
xxxxxx University is one of the only schools known for it's multicultural urban environments and have a partnership with more than over 150 schools in the xxxxxxland area, where I am planning to teach and have developed a strong relationship with many neighborhoods throughout xxxxx. In view of this, it is my greatest pursuit to further my education and career through the Master of Social and Cultural Foundation in your Education department and be a part of xxxxxx University roll of dedicated alumni in the future. My plans after graduating are to creating a more in-depth program for youth and the diverse creativity of xxxxxx University's educational direction is a perfect outline for my success.
Many years ago, I have always had the desire to begin a not for profit organization dedicated to helping and serving young people in Cxxxxx. In October 2009, I had the opportunity of creating The Prxxxxx xxxx fxxxxxxx. Since graduating in December 2010, I have researched graduate schools and dedicated my time in assisting high school students in graduating, college selection and other personal concerns. Traveling to different cities, researching their educational departments is other important things I have been doing as well since I graduated in December. Even though I do not have any formal teaching experience, I have the passion and tenacity for education. Upon getting my degree I will continue to have continuous drive and determination to change education on child at a time.
After finishing my Master Degree, I would like to enroll the doctorate program, and then I would like to continue my educational career in the Cxxxxxx Public School system. I strongly believe that after the completion of my study I will have obtained the necessary knowledge within the field of education. My dream is to ensure every child is given the same opportunity to obtain a good and complete education. I am a detailed and driven individual who can contribute immensely to the continued success and reputation of the xxxxxx University's College of Education
Ms. Cxxxxx, thank you for considering my credentials. I will look forward in hearing from you regarding my continuing education at xxxxx.
It is with great pleasure that I...----This is a cliche! I think you should use something more original.
The courses ----HAVE
The courses offered by the Masters of social and cultural foundation in xxxxxx University has have brought a great interest to me.
I have been longing to continue my study on in such a creative and well developed program.
Many years ago, I have always had the desire to begin a not-for-profit organization dedicated to helping and serving young people in Cxxxxx. ----Very good! This sentence is good, and the whole paragraph is good. I think you should move the first paragraph to the end so that it becomes the conclusion and make this paragraph the first paragraph of the essay.
:-)
"Many years ago, I have always had"... seems not quite right.
Either you had this desire many years ago or you have always had it, not both. Or you can say "As far back as I can recall, I have always had..."
One of the most important things that I discovered while writing my letters of intent/personal statements was to speak in an active voice. Get rid of all the passive undertones and your essay/letter will have more life. I've gone through your essay and added my own thoughts to improve the flow and tone of your letter. These are only suggestions - I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something better - and I hope they're helpful.
I recommend just jumping right off into what you want from the university instead of giving a rather slow and unoriginal introduction via "my name is..." You could keep your second paragraph and spice it up a bit with more vivid imagery or even try something like: I wish to enroll in the Master's of Social and Cultural Foundation at ____ University.
My name is xxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx and I graduated from xxxx xxxx University with honors in December 2010 . It is with great pleasure that I submit my application packet for the Master's of social and cultural foundation. The courses offered by this programby the Masters of social and cultural foundation in xxxxxx University has brought ais ofgreat interest to me. I have been longing to continue my studiesyonin such a creative and well developed program.
xxxxxx University'sis aunique multicultural, urban environment and partnership with over 150 schools in the xxxland area will provide me with the academic landscape to flourish as a future teacher (or professor?)one of the only schools known for it's multicultural urban environments and have a partnership with more than over 150 schools in the xxxxxxland area, where I am planning to teach and
In view of this, it is My greatest pursuit is to to further my education and career through the Master of Social and Cultural Foundation in your Education department and be a part of xxxxxx University roll of dedicated alumni in the future. My plans after graduating are to createing a more in-depth program for youth (need more details- to do what exactly with the youths?) while developing a strong relationship with the many surrounding neighborhoods. I see and the diverse creativity of xxxxxx University's educational direction isas a perfect outlinefoundationfor achievingmy success.
Many years ago,(it would be interesting to add whatever made you think of this idea many years ago - if some event happened you could talk about it, however you may have done so already in your personal statement) I developedhave always had the desire to begin a not for profit organization dedicated to helping and serving young people in Cxxxxx. In October 2009, I had the opportunity of creating The Prxxxxx xxxx fxxxxxxx. (Tell more about what this program did and specifically what it did to help you grow as an individual to know that this career is the one for you) Since graduating in December 2010, I have spent my time assisting high school students in graduating, college selection and other personal concerns all the while researching graduate schools for myself.I have researched graduate schools and dedicated my time in assisting high school students in graduating, college selection and other personal concerns.Traveling to different cities, researching their educational departments is other important things I have been doing as well since I graduated in December.(you may not have to include this unless you can find a way to fit it in better with the paragraph instead of having it inserted as kind of an after thought). Even with my lack ofthough I do not have any formal teaching experience, I have the passion and tenacity for education as well as the continuous drive to change the education of one child at time. (this is a generalized statement unless you can show the passion and tenacity by using an example to backup the claim.)
Upon completion ofgetting my degree I plan toAfter finishing my Master Degree, I would like to enroll inthe doctorate program, where myand then I would like to continue my educational career in the Cxxxxxx Public School system will continue. I strongly believe that after the completion of my programstudy I will have obtained the necessary knowledge within the field of education to do something...?(I wouldn't say you have the necessary knowledge, it implies that you'll be done then with learning, and as humans... we're never done with learning :) ). My dream is to ensure every child is given the same opportunity to obtain a good and complete education(this is kind of blah - can you think of another way to describe this education? Maybe instead of good you could say 'sound' and 'responsible' although I'm not sure if responsible goes with education) . I am a detailed and driven individual who can contribute immensely to the continued success and reputation of the xxxxxx University's College of Education - cut and paste this higher up..
Ms. Cxxxxx, thank you for considering my credentials. I will look forward to future correspondence regardingin hearing from you regarding my continuing education at xxxxx.
