Scholarship / "I believe that technology is a big change in the world." MDC Scholarship Essay [4]

Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world". For me this means,that if you want something to be different, you need to do something to make it different. I've been in college for 3four months now, and I already see life in a whole other way. I believe thatmM y true wish is not to getting an education to getmake money, but to be able to make a change in the world (Sounds kind of cliche..What kind of change?) . Scholarships are made to help students make these changes in the world. Right now awarding me thisRecieving a scholarship is reallyvery important, because I face financial hardships that are not lettingkeep me from reachingthatmy goal.

InitiallyFrom the beginning , I believedthat technology isto be a big change in the world. EverSs ince I was 8eight- years- old, I have been using the computer for personal things, such as having an email, surfing the web etc. At that time, I did not know all the things technology had to offer, and how it helped to make the world a better place. Nowadays, we use technology for everything we do in our daily lives. I want to use technology and education to make positive changes in my community, and in the world. (you mention bringing change a lot; however, again, what kind of change? Mentioning some ways you want or plan to use technology, will make your essay way more interesting than just saying simply "I want to bring change").

Furthermore, I am planning to study Computer Science, or Computer Information Systems with the help of this scholarship. I feel I deserve this scholarship, because this will not only help me as an individual, but it willalsohelpcould benefit the community in athe near future, because I will beI plan to spendingmy time in research to contribute the benefits with theto the community.

I like how you started out with a quote.

Essays / Health-care Availability (an argumentation-persuasive essay). How to start? [4]

Is this a topic you came up with, or a topic you were given by your instructor? If you have nothing to say from the start, if you can, I would suggest considering picking another topic. It will be pretty hard to write a persuasive essay over something you already don't have an opinion on, or are interested in. Also, healthcare is a broad topic, your best bet is to narrow your heathcare availablity to say the poor, minority groups, the wealthy, or you can even do heathcare availablity when it comes to college students. There are many college students walking around without health care. However, again, if you have the option, consider changing your topic to something you already have some opinion on. Good luck.

Undergraduate / "my own creativity and analytical thinking to manage business" - F.I.T admission [6]

Kevin, I do see the link, and I will check it out. I would be more than happy to a contributer.

Undergraduate / "my own creativity and analytical thinking to manage business" - F.I.T admission [6]

Thanks, Kevin! I have not uploaded any threads yet. I'm not currently in any courses where there's essay writing going on. However, once I have essays to write again, I will definitely upload them to get input.

Scholarship / "My parents, my supporters" - Cosmetology Scholarship [3]

Happy to help:) If you were planning on pursuing a degree at a university or liberal arts college, I would of recommended enrolling in a prep english course before taking your english comp courses. However, since you plan on doing cosmotology where my guess is you won't be doing much writing, I would just say continue to work on your writing. If you really want to work on your writing even though you're doing cosmotology, you can always simple take a course at a community college. Trust me, I know how you feel, writing was an issue for me too, until I took my english prep course in college; however, after that and taking both my comp courses (which I did great in), I was fine.

Undergraduate / "After my fathers death..." - Inspiration essay - UF [4]

I thought your essay was awesome. You get the readers attention right away with the intro. The only thing I have to say is make sure you go back and proofread; for example, you wrote "on the urge of death" instead of on the verge of death. I would also take out "throughtout the course of time" at the beginning of your second paragraph. It's not needed. Starting the paragraph off with your father living day by day helping people, is just fine and enough.

Graduate / (applying for the Masters of Art in Teaching) Essay [5]

I totally understand. Good luck.

Graduate / (applying for the Masters of Art in Teaching) Essay [5]

I thought you did an excellent job. Your essay sounds thought out and well articulated. Where do you plan on attending graduate school for your master's?

Research Papers / Michael Vick argumentative paper outline [3]

Have you already come up different points to your argument? It sounds like so far you just have the one..in my opinion, argumentive essays are a blend of your personal opinion with facts to back it up. With a strong argument, you should already have a couple strong points you want to argue; however, if you can only come up with one or two, and need help from others to come up with more points, you might want to consider another topic you can argue your position better on.

This is probably going to be a tricky topic to get feedback on, because not only are there a lot of people who haven't followed the Mike Vick situation, but it's also unlikely you're going to get feedback from those who don't agree with you. I didn't follow the whole case to have an opinion one way or another, but I can try to help you out with ideas from the little I do know.

Are you a strong believer in animals rights? That could be an argument. Do you feel he got off easy, because he was a famous NFL player? Do you believe that if an average, everyday person would have done the same thing, they would have recieved harsher punishment and lost employment? Do you believe the outcome of this case sends a wrong message? If so, why? If you think Mike Vick got off easy, do you believe it will encourage more dog fighting and animal abruse? I've heard some say he had a I'm not sorry I did, but that I got caught attitude about the whole thing. If you feel that way to, you can argue he had no remorse.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Undergraduate / Bullying Gave Me a Sense of Self - Honors Program Essay [5]

Sorry, I meant grammar not grammer and proofread. I thought I should correct myself, it is pretty odd having someone tell you to check your grammar, when you yourself have a misspelled word etc. in the paragraph that's telling them to make the corrections haha.

Undergraduate / Bullying Gave Me a Sense of Self - Honors Program Essay [5]

What you wrote was good; however, in my opinion, from what you have mentioned bullying would not be exactly what you experienced. Bullying is not just receiving physical threats, and may also be verbal or emotional. However, it sounds to me like what you experienced was gossip when your head was turned. Now, you had mentioned that the rumor was you were gay; however, if as a result, you were called names or teased, that would definitely be bullying. Otherwise, again, what I got from what you wrote was a victim of petty gossip. That being said, I am not at all trying to tell you what you experienced. I just think you need to give a better understanding of how you were bullied.

Make sure you go back and proof read as well. I see some grammer and punctuation mistakes. Also, just some essay tips, you do not want to use didn't, I'd, you're etc. Instead, write the words out (did not, you are, I had). You also want to stay away from words like "so" in essays, and instead use words like therefore, or however, which as you can see I use a lot haha. Anyway, hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

I thinks it's great that you are putting thought and effort into your supplement; however, I will say if I were you, I wouldn't stress myself to much with it. I was just accepted to Cornell with a scholarship offer. For the "What influenced you to apply to Cornell?" question, I simply put that I was interested in attending a small, private college with a great reputation when it comes to academics. However, for the "What primary factors will determine your college choice?" question, I really kept it short, and simply wrote the college's academic reputation, cost of attendance, and student life. I guess what I am trying to say is be very honest, but it's okay to be short and direct.

From what I've experienced, Cornell is more concerned with individuality, and what you plan to offer, or how you plan to spend your time at Cornell. I would recommend contacting the admissions counselor. I exchanged several emails with the admissions counselor, which I believed worked in my favor, because I asked questions, and through those emails I was able to mention to her directly my goals and plans at Cornell; therefore, she was able to get a sense of what type of student I am, and what I could bring to Cornell. I don't know if there's different admissions counselors for students, but the lady I had was nothing but nice and helpful throughout the whole process. That being said, of course my academic standing also played a part. Hopefully, you also did great on your essay, that is one thing I made sure I put a lot of thought and effort into.

Anyway, good luck! However, my guess is that you'll do fine, and I will be seeing you very soon on campus.