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Posts by yash32
Joined: Mar 17, 2011
Last Post: Mar 22, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  

Displayed posts: 10
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yash32   
Mar 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "Organizing a Fashion Show" -admission- Most important achievements and contributions [6]

Thank you!

You're right I have already faced the problem of choosing a career for me. I seem to be interested in everything! But then I realized that I have outstanding managing and leadership qualities. So, I thought of going for Business Management. Later, I found that I am extremely good in Information Technology also. I had been scoring good grades consistently in IT. So, I'm going for IT + Business synergy course as my first choice. My second choice is Business Management.

:)
yash32   
Mar 18, 2011
Graduate / Activities and Achievements - MS in Software Engineering [4]

Hi Neha! Your essay is really good. I like that "it adds feather to the cap phrase" you've used. I think you used change the third line to something like this:

Be it any task, I've always tried to give my best performance. I attribute all that I have achieved today to sheer hard work and little help of Lady Luck.

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment. I think you should change the structure of this sentence. Or think of a different start.

Rest of your essay is very good. I don't think there is a need to edit anything else.
yash32   
Mar 18, 2011
Book Reports / To kill a mockingbird (the importance of the scene / Mrs.dubose's addiction) [3]

Hey melissa! I think you should understand the topic first. Introspect on it. Give it time. Write whatever you can. It maybe a rough draft. But at least start writing. Then post it here. Only then can somebody help you and give you some suggestions on improving it.
yash32   
Mar 18, 2011
Scholarship / New Threats to Freedom Scholarship Essay - Max Borders on Over-regulation [3]

my mother had to negotiate with various levels of city and state bureaucracy.

We, however, did not find out until after we had already planted four trees that they needed to be of a certain size, none of our trees would count, and we would have to plant two more.This sentence can be changed because it's too long and little confusing. How about splitting them into two like I've done below?

after we had already planted four trees we realized that they were to be of a certain size. We had to plant two more and uproot the ones we already planted.

by first putting on a long underwear, then a swimsuit, then sweatpants, then a suit and tie, then the coveralls, and so forth...until they can no longer do anything at all.

I edited a few sentences. This is all I could do. Rest all of your essay is quite good. I really appreciate the way you ended it.
yash32   
Mar 18, 2011
Undergraduate / "between America and Saudi Arabia" - family history, culture or environment [4]

My Family history and culture has a huge influence on me. It has made me who I am today. I have two very different backgrounds, which includes lifestyle, food, culture, religious beliefs and so much more. My dad is from Saudi Arabia and my mom is from America, I like to consider myself half and half. I think you should change this sentence.

Traveling back and forth between America and Saudi Arabia made me appreciate the way of life and helped me understand more about people and, their differences and similarities. I am able to communicate, connect and socialize because I understand each of their culture.

Seeing two different cultures has helped me become the person that I am.This is a little similar to the second sentence. It could be like: Being accustomed to two different cultures has made me understand the importance of diversity.

I have always been exposed to those who are different thanfrom me. and I have found that IIt has helped me to respect people no matter where they are from. I enjoy meeting new people from different countries around the world.

I speak two languages English and Arabic, both fluently, but English is my mother tongue. Even though I went to an all Arabic school through grade 1 to grade 7, I was the only one out of my 5 siblings raised to speak mostly English.This sentence doesn't sound very good.It could be like: Even though I went to an all Arabic school from grade 1 to grade 7, I spoke in English the most.

Therefore, in grade 8 my parents decided to have me live inthought of sending me to America with my mom in Hudson, Wisconsin. but For my high school years I've decided to come back to Saudi Arabia and enroll in a school that follows the American system.

My family environment made me into a more passionate and successful student. Their support has made me confident enough to go through the hardships of this worldly journey. Through this confidence and strength I am going to pursue my education and to perform well in all my classes no matter the difficulty.

Taking pride in my work is the most important influence resulting from my family atmosphere. The overall relief and joy that I will experience when I graduate will not be matched anywhere else.

The ending can be changed into a much better one. Try to change the structure of the sentence. It could be like: "the family atmosphere helped me to take pride in my work."

Try to form another sentence, dont use this one :The overall relief and joy that I will experience when I graduate will not be matched anywhere else.

It was really nice reading your experience. I helped you as much as I could by editing a few sentences. Hope you do well! Good Luck!
yash32   
Mar 17, 2011
Undergraduate / "Organizing a Fashion Show" -admission- Most important achievements and contributions [6]

I had to write a 300 word essay on my most important achievements and contributions.

This was the prompt: Describe the highlights of your most important achievements and contributions. If you have an outstanding talent(eg. National Sportsman, run a successful business, outstanding community service) include them as well.

It is exact 300 words. Please let me know If what I have written is good enough. Any kind of grammatical errors, problems in sentence formation and structure, or anything. Please help in such way that i don't exceed the word limit. I think that I don't have a very good start. I wanted a catchy start that hooks the reader to the essay. I would be very grateful if you could help me out as soon as possible since I have to submit my application within a week. Thank you very much!


From the very beginning, I loved to be a part of every activity conducted in my school. My qualities of being a responsible and a devoted student and participation in numerous extra-curricular activities of the school, got me nominated for being the Vice Head Girl. Even though I did not get that honor, I did not lose hope. After facing the tough elections for the Student Body, I got the opportunity to be the Vice Captain of Wisdom House. In the subsequent year I was acknowledged as the Captain. It was then that I learnt to be more responsible and agile. Encouraging my house members to participate in house activities, solving their problems, enjoying every victory with them, conducting house meetings and motivating them to work in unity, it all involved a great deal of diligence. We won various inter-house competitions. Leading a contingent of 30 students in the march past event wasn't a child's play. It was through persistent efforts and days of practice that we achieved the first prize in the competition.

Organizing a Fashion Show for 12th standard farewell function was my best achievement. I learnt the significance of being behind the scenes. Who could have ever imagined that dresses could be made out of used tissue paper, newspaper, magazines, polythene and waste paper bags? Designing clothes, selecting students for modeling, getting the materials, music and lightings arranged on time, designing backdrops and assigning duties, all this was a very challenging experience. I had to use my creativity and imagination and most importantly, get work done in teams. The show was such a great success that we were given the opportunity to showcase it in front of the whole school.

All my achievements and endeavors have made me strong enough to deal with the challenges of life.
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