Posts by _dariona_lewis

_dariona_lewis_

May 23, 2011

Writing Feedback / The importance to use leisure time for activities that improve mind [5]

It seems a bit too simple to me, each pargraph is only about the most 4 sentences. You are getting to the point which is great but it needs more meat on the bone. You dont have to go into great detail but explained more of the type of lesiures activities and write how they made you feel and why you considered them realaxing to you. And you are also jumping from subject to subject, your essay doesnt flow. You can talk about different things but just make sure that it flows togther. also you might want to change

and I need to have keep my limbs loose and limber and my mind refresh and clear, so i can multitask my leisure time for various activities.

I hope this helps.

_dariona_lewis_

May 19, 2011

Undergraduate / "the most versatile artist" - Personal Statement for Graphics Design Program [3]

I think you so far have a great essay needs a little tweaking here and there but i wont try to do that since grammerical error is not my strong point. But you do not have to take out the prodigy part unless you want to. I did my best and I hope this helps you out or give you some ideas.

A prodigy is "an unusually gifted or intelligent (young) person; someone whose talents excite wonder and admiration." I was not a prodigy but I was someone that found a skill and an interest in art at an early age and it has continued to grow. My favorite quote from the artist Pablo Picasso is "Every child is an artist. The problem is staying an artist when you grow up." I can personally testify to that quote, as a child growing up I was exposed to art at an early age. when I was 4 years old my parents took me to art museums and I found an interest in when I was 6 years old. I discovered surrealism at the age of 12 and the style dominated my life ever since. I am currently 21 years old and I feel that my artistic ability has hit a plateau for years now but certain circumstances has led me to believe that I am finally ready for that change of style by combining surrealism with the latest technology to further test my skills and creativity.

I also think you might want to change syllabus in the 4th pargraph, first sentence to knowledge/
"...I chose to apply to Vancouver Community College is because of the length of the program, reasonable cost of tuition and the efficient syllabus ..."

to me syllabus doesn't fit with the other words that follow after it.

I hoped i could be of help and would really appeciate it if you reveiwed my essay as well, I'm open to any feedback.

_dariona_lewis_

May 19, 2011

Scholarship / Identify your most significant contribution a community you belong to [4]

I have to write three essays for a scholarship from IUB. Here is the instruction for the second essay.
Indiana University students contribute in many ways to what has long been recognized as a rich community of diverse ideas, cultures, and experiences. Identify your most significant contribution to one or more of the communities to which you belong. (Communities, for example, can form around shared experiences in music, sports, the arts, culture, ethnicity, shared beliefs, or ideas.) Describe your level of achievement or involvement and reflect on your most important contributions. Briefly describe how these experiences have influenced you. (200-400 words)

Lew Wallace high school grades 7th-12th can be viewed by some people as a non productive school, meaning that the school does not produce many students that want to receive a post secondary education. I unfortunately would have to agree with those people, every day I hear about a fight, the newest kid stealing drugs, or that girl who just got pregnant for the third time. It ridiculous and I feel sorry for them that no cares anymore, or that the teacher's just gets rid of them with a passing grade of a D, just for the students won't be their problem anymore.

When I first started high school, the 2011 class had 280 students the largest class in a few years, but as the years progressed the numbers dropped dramatically. Now towards the time for are graduation, the schools predict we will only have a graduating class of a 100 or less. So I decided to promote the benefits of a post secondary education to the underclassmen and the middle school students. I have accomplished this by encouraging them to focus more on their grades, to always ask for help if they do not understand a subject being taught and to sit down with their guidance counselors to make sure they are on track to graduate. I also advise them to take advantages of the opportunities in front of them for example like the college tour that is offered by our school community, or scholarships opportunities only for our school community.

The achievement of the program was very good, I was able to get majority of the kids to think about taking the SATS and at least go to a community college instead of doing nothing. The level of achievement on a personal base was also great. This whole experience has given me insight on the power and significance of giving back to my community. I finally understand how a single individual or a group of individuals can have the power to affect people's life.