rbaudrit
Jul 21, 2011
Writing Feedback / The american dream/economic mobility essay [3]
I kind of got lost in your essay. You started off well but then you start to lose fluidity.
Such as the lower class people they are at the bottom of the ladder so to speak, and also in the reading the economist... try and make it more fluid something like:
The people in the lower class are the ones that are burdened the most in this struggle. "The headwinds of the global economy are being felt less by Americans at the bottom than by those in the middle. And those at the bottom have different fears, immigration high among them." (The Economist)
In contrast it seems that globalisation is not affecting the lower class compared to the middle and upper class people, but the biggest concern for the lower class people is the rising rate of immigrants. Here i feel you are just repeating what the quote said.
Immigrants migrate to the U.S. because it's the land of opportunity. Statistics show that even though they take over the jobs that a native born would take, these industry places have actually recovered from going out of business. tweaked the sentence a bit and the highlighted in red i don't believe has anything to do with the sentence.
"...they are grateful enough just to have jobs, even if their pay stinks ." try using a different word or phrase: isn't as good as it should be
Furthermore, the American dream is important we have a right to freedom and to be successful no matter what social class we are in. Ties in the essay a bit more
^^^ seperated the two sentences
We should recognize our freedom more since in some countries people are born into a type of controlled system and are told what they have to do, but in America we can be born into a low income family and succeed to be rich. Changed it a little.
Overall I thought it was a good concept :) I hope i was able to help you.
I kind of got lost in your essay. You started off well but then you start to lose fluidity.
Such as the lower class people they are at the bottom of the ladder so to speak, and also in the reading the economist... try and make it more fluid something like:
The people in the lower class are the ones that are burdened the most in this struggle. "The headwinds of the global economy are being felt less by Americans at the bottom than by those in the middle. And those at the bottom have different fears, immigration high among them." (The Economist)
In contrast it seems that globalisation is not affecting the lower class compared to the middle and upper class people, but the biggest concern for the lower class people is the rising rate of immigrants. Here i feel you are just repeating what the quote said.
Immigrants migrate to the U.S. because it's the land of opportunity. Statistics show that even though they take over the jobs that a native born would take, these industry places have actually recovered from going out of business. tweaked the sentence a bit and the highlighted in red i don't believe has anything to do with the sentence.
"...they are grateful enough just to have jobs, even if their pay stinks ." try using a different word or phrase: isn't as good as it should be
Furthermore, the American dream is important we have a right to freedom and to be successful no matter what social class we are in. Ties in the essay a bit more
^^^ seperated the two sentences
We should recognize our freedom more since in some countries people are born into a type of controlled system and are told what they have to do, but in America we can be born into a low income family and succeed to be rich. Changed it a little.
Overall I thought it was a good concept :) I hope i was able to help you.
