Posts by Cloudbuster274

Cloudbuster274

Oct 22, 2011

Undergraduate / 'The Art of Bone' - common app [2]

In the second paragraph your examples feel very out of place and makes that section of your essay very confusing to read.
In the next paragraph i would change the start from "Thursday, AP European History" to "The next day" or something like that.

Also your time frames are thrown in after the start of the essay, try and establish a timeline near the very beginning of the essay.

You have multiple instances of something along the lines of describing your accident and others reactions to the point of it feeling like there is little thinking going on and you are just repeating the same thing over and over again.

Your example of making the paper mache works very well into transitioning to talking about your AP Euro essays, but saying at the end "manipulating one into an ulna and the other into a radius" seems very specific and not known to whoever may be reading your essay. I would recommend talking about bones in general rather than specific ones that honestly the first time through reading seemed to make no sense

Overall it is a well written essay, but just needs more clarity to some parts and some improvements to flow.

Cloudbuster274

Oct 22, 2011

Undergraduate / MIT SHORT Answer: Department which Appeals Most to you (Biological Engineering) [3]

I would say to take out the last sentence, it feels like a weak closing statement about your passion for BME. Also I would say that your examples may feel out of place to someone who may not be part of the scientific community and can't see a connection between your examples and how they have inspired you to become interested in the Biological field specifically.

Cloudbuster274

Oct 21, 2011

Undergraduate / Why Engineering? For multiple colleges (John Hopkins, Michigan, and Illinois) [4]

This is my essay I wrote for John Hopkins University (250 words), I am thinking about using a version of this essay for both my U of I Essay (300 words) and my U of M Essay (500 words). What would be some other ideas I could add to this essay to make it longer as well as telling me how bad I am at writing and how to make it better would be very appreciated.

Why mom, why? That was once one of my mother's least favorite phrases to hear out of me, as I insistently bothered her to learn how everything worked. Since that young age I have tried to view the world through a skeptical and inquisitive viewpoint. I believe that through this method of viewing the environment around me has led to many discoveries that might have gone unknown to me

My questioning has led me to try and learn about the world and how it works, both through difficult courses in school, and varied online resources about how different things function. These personal discoveries have helped me to discover and fine many new ideas, from different types of nuclear reactors to space travel. Each idea I have found has given more to me in terms of understanding and knowledge of the world, bring me closer to some display of control over the world

My personal answer to my question of why something works or occurs is that there is no one true answer, and the only way to go forward and try to learn as much as possible and work towards some final, unattainable scientific goal of complete knowledge of all things. This continued questioning of the world is what I feel has attracted me to engineering, due to its involvement in learning how life functions and how one person can use the principles of engineering to create change.

Word Count: 238 words

The Prompts:
John Hopkins: Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

Illinois: ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

Michigan:Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (250 words maximum)