Undergraduate / Bharatanatyam U. of Michigan - communities to which you belong and your place in them [4]

This is a pretty interesting essay. It touches on your background, your passions, your activities beyond school and an accomplishment. It was a nice touch mentioning the Superbowl in Detroit and looping back to U of M. The only part that I have qualms about is that last paragraph. I would scrap everything after the first sentence in the last pargraph altogether, but if you aren't willing to do that at least consider other options for the terms "highly achieved", "zealous" and "multicultural relations".

Undergraduate / My First Participation in Long Distance Race Yale Supplement Eassy [5]

@RYORAO Don't listen to someone who criticizes your essay, has the nerve to call you an ESL student and can't even spell OFFENSE and CRITIQUE properly. There's nothing inherently flawed in your essay choice. It is true that the subject is a bit cliched, but if this topic speaks to you and you feel that you can elaborate on it a way superior to others, by all means write it. The adcoms will know you are briliant from your grades and course selections;they will know that you care about your community from the extacurriculars page; and they will know that you are passionate about this university from the "Why Yale?" essay. I'm going to be frank with you. There will be a lot of Asians applying to Ivies this year, just like in past years. Adcoms are going to expect to see the high g.p.a, SAT II Chinese 800, high SAT I scores, math and science clubs and awards and the occasional piano recital. Your involvement in a sport is going to be something that distinguishes you from a good portion of those you re competing with--if you capitalize on the right things it can truly make them see the well-rounded applicant you are.