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Posts by dreamingsnow
Joined: Sep 7, 2011
Last Post: Sep 13, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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dreamingsnow   
Sep 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / "obese, immature and dishonest" - Describing a person my chef [4]

I'm not sure what you were trying to convey in this essay. If it's for college apps, you picked a really negative topic and to me at least, it sounded like a list of complaints. If the essay is intended for the college apps, it's supposed to be a reflection of who you are, not someone else, even if the prompt says "describe a person".

Some advice perhaps is to write about the chef in a more positive light? or perhaps write about a more positive person?
dreamingsnow   
Sep 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "it turned to be cancer" - Common App Essay [11]

Thank you all for your comments. My father's cancer was a really tough time for me, so I'm glad I was able to portray that enough in the essay and how much I've learned from it.

Here's an updated version (830 words-ish, so still have a ways to cut!)

In some boxes packed away in the basement sit my nine-year-old crayon drawings of my family, the slightly-better-than-stick figure lines of my mother and father and me clasping hands and smiling. Beside them lay poems and sketches of my loving family, of especially my father, Baba...To me, he was perfect. Growing up, he was the perfect image I felt every father should be, and I believed I lived in a perfect world, with an ideal Mama and Baba, with an ideal family, with an ideal life. I viewed the world selfishly, seeing the world only the way I wanted to see it, and clutched onto that idea most desperately. Yet like all things, it crumbled away. In one cold October, Baba felt a lump behind his right ear. The doctors examined, and sure enough, it turned to be cancer.

Time passed and my father started chemo. Baba got thinner and thinner. My family, although wanting to do its best to help, began falling apart as tensions rose between my grandmothers, my mom, and my dad. Arguments were frequent, but the silence was constant. Though I was perceptive enough to recognize that my family was in pain, I made the mistake of believing I understood their pain. I resolved to help out as best I could, refraining from sharing my own fears and worries, yet encouraging them to express their own. But even caring and loving acts, if done long enough, can turn into monotonous and annoying chores.

My father's suffering, my family's arguments, and even my own fears, soon lost their novelty. On the outside, I would still help out my dad by doing things around the house. But inside, I felt nothing...or at least, I ignored what I felt. Unable to handle my fears of loss and the unknown, I turned to resentment. Though never voiced aloud, I often bemoaned, "Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't I just live a normal life, with normal parents?" As the chemo and increased, I developed an indifference to my family that was insensitive, bitter, and at the very least, disrespectful.

One Saturday afternoon I was preparing for a piano recital that evening, my dad slept on the couch in the family room. He had fallen asleep hours before, as he had done for several weeks now. But when he woke up, something was wrong... He was not lucid, talked with a lisp, and had the wide-eyed look of a lost child. As I stared at him laying there, the perfect world I created and hid behind shattered to dust. In front of me, my Baba-the very same person who was once my pillar of strength-now barely remembered who I was, much less my name. And for the first time in my life, I saw his tears. The hour-long drive to the hospital was a blur, as was the rush into the emergency room. I recall my father's moans, my mother's panic, and myself staring at the closed double doors of the emergency room as I waited for the diagnosis. I turned back to my father, with his gaunt face turned sideways, nearly translucent in the harsh lighting. A fear boiled up inside me and I ran out, desperate to escape.

I frantically darted across the hospital lobby until I found an empty seat. I sat there, motionless, and begged: Why? What wrong did that boy do to end there? What horror did that woman commit to suffer that? And Baba? My own father? They struggle to live, while I selfishly take life for granted...

I was humbled, for I had lost before but never suffered the agony that came with it. I had suffered before, but never summoned the will to fight to live, and I was pained, for I could not truly share my father's suffering. I received that pain-and realized I had an unlimited capacity to not only feel, but act for, if not with, my father, if I allowed myself. That day I found something in me, something that had always been there, but something I had never realized was there before. That day I learned that although my perfect world no longer existed, I still had a world to work my hardest in to make the best of what I have, and beyond. I could still live and laugh and love in this new world, adapting to the ups and downs and becoming stronger from each. Most of all, my mother was still my Mama, my father was still my Baba, and we were still together.

That day I finally let go of the scraps of childhood I had desperately clung to; that day I was finally ready to embrace the future. And as I walked out of those double doors into the hospital lobby, I felt much older...but more alive than ever before.
dreamingsnow   
Sep 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "it turned to be cancer" - Common App Essay [11]

Thankyou so much, Kevin and kzoria! I'll definitely try to work my essay more to be more personal and use the most important parts (to cut down word count).

I'm really glad you enjoyed it :)
dreamingsnow   
Sep 8, 2011
Undergraduate / "why we need purpose to be content" - Cornell A&S Supplement Essay [6]

I like your introduction and how you ended with the specifics of Cornell, but your transittion from reading about psychology to wanting to go to Cornell is a bit rough. You just kind of 'plot' down that its Cornell and then go into detail about it.

It just seemed really sudden to me. Maybe if you could reword it, easing Cornell into the essay, it would flow better?
Just some thoughts!
dreamingsnow   
Sep 8, 2011
Undergraduate / "immigration experience from China to America has influenced me" Princeton Supplement [4]

I think your essay topic is really interesting, and you do show the story instead of telling (which is always better). However, gramatically, I would alter your sentence structures more. A LOT of your sentences start with "I..."

Although the content is good, the repetition of starting with "I" drains the essay somewhat. If you could alter some sentences more to break up the "I"s, it would be a more interesting essay.

Great job!
dreamingsnow   
Sep 8, 2011
Undergraduate / "A ringing, a thumping, a rumble" - Yale Short Essay [6]

Well, I tried to take the perspective of a 'piece' that I'm playing reflecting on me. What I wanted to show was (obviously) my love for piano, the passion and emotion I have for it, and the way I hear the music when I play the piano.

Since you didn't think it was very personalized, is this not obvious?

I wrote a second draft here:

A ringing, a thumping, a drumming. Her deft fingers glide across the polished ivory; notes blur and dissipate, each engraved in her mind. A whisper, a caress, a love. Our sweet sounds tug at her heart as she pours hours on us, hypnotized. A soprano, a baritone, a choir. Our glorious melody sings out as a bass sweeps through us, rising and rising. A gasp, a yearning, a tension-her resolve increases as the momentum churns, and we're building higher from pianissimo to fortissimo, from a purr to a thunderous cry! Sforzando! Her eyes flutter shut, a single tear falls as a smile shines, and we're soaring and flying-our sounds resonating across the theme, across the page, across time!

We tumble down, her frenzied chromatic passion pushing us further and faster and her blending pedal aiding our descent. We roar and we rumble until-Stop! A breath. A note. A silence. She plays softly and tenderly and ethereally as we murmur our last voice. A final chord-and we're at peace. We love our pianist.
dreamingsnow   
Sep 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "A ringing, a thumping, a rumble" - Yale Short Essay [6]

I tried to do an original take on this, but I don't know how well I portrayed it. Any comments/critiques/pointers are very welcome!

This is for the Common App Short Essay for Yale.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

A ringing, a thumping, a rumble. Fingers glide across the polished ivory; notes blur and dissipate, each engraved in her mind. A soprano, a baritone, a choir. Our glorious melody sings our heart out as a bass sweeps through us, rising and rising. A gasp, a yearning, a tension-her wrists are down as the momentum churns, and we're building higher from pianissimo to fortissimo, from a whisper to a thunderous cry! Sforzando! We're soaring and flying, our sounds resonating across the theme, across the page, across time!

We tumble down, her frenzied chromatic passion pushing us further and faster and the blending pedal aiding our descent. We roar and we rumble until-Stop! A breath. A note. A silence. We murmur our last voice softly, and gently, and tenderly. A final chord and we're at peace.

We love our pianist.
dreamingsnow   
Sep 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / My Puffin Rescue ( recent trip to Iceland) [3]

I agree with laurasanchez52. Although it has 'you' in it, the essay doesn't reveal a lot about YOU (character-wise). I think you should focus more on yourself rather than the puffin, or rework the story to show you as a person more.
dreamingsnow   
Sep 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / "taking a break before starting higher education is a good idea" - IELTS [5]

Read your essay. It's a solid one, a bit of a "cookie-cutter", with the intro, positive, neg, and conclusion.

I noticed some grammar mistakes though:
Experience gained through travelling to different places, meeting different people and even at job goes long way.

the whole parallel thing is something you need to fix.

Also:
Student's who works; tend to gather better financial resources which they can rely on during their university studies.

The ";" is a typo, I assume?

Overall it's an ok essay, but kinda dry. You might want to elaborate more on the positives, since that's the side you're supporting. And I'm not familiar with the IELTS, but I advise NOT to start the conclusion with "in my viewpoint" or in my point of view or something of that nature.
dreamingsnow   
Sep 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "it turned to be cancer" - Common App Essay [11]

Ahh thankyou!! This was a very personal story for me, so it took awhile writing it...

I did some research on the common apps limits, and there's actually a set limit this year (did not know that!). So bleh, gotta get my essay down to 500 words >.<

Any thoughts/comments/critiques are welcomed as I try to cut back this thing (the worst part of the essay process, I think)!
dreamingsnow   
Sep 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "it turned to be cancer" - Common App Essay [11]

I would really appreciate any help/advice for shortening my essay!

Untitled:

In some boxes packed away in the basement sit my nine-year-old crayon drawings of my family, the slightly-better-than-stick lines of my mother and father and me clasping hands and smiling. Beside them lay poems and sketches of my loving family, and especially Baba...To me, he was perfect. Growing up, he was the perfect image I felt every father should be, and I believed I lived in a perfect world, with an ideal Mama and Baba, with an ideal family, with an ideal life. I viewed the world selfishly, seeing the world only the way I wanted to see it, and clutched onto that perfect world most desperately. Yet like all things, it crumbled away. In one cold October, Baba felt a lump behind his right ear. The doctors biopsied, and sure enough, it turned to be cancer.

Time passed and my father started chemo. Baba got thinner and thinner, strange machines and IV drips suddenly appeared in our house, and he could no longer walk without help. My family, although wanting to do its best to help, began falling apart as tensions rose between my grandmothers, my mom, and my dad. Arguments were frequent, but the silence was constant.

Though I was perceptive enough to recognize that my family was in pain, I made the mistake of believe I understood their pain. I resolved to help out as best I could, refrained from sharing my own fears and worries, yet encouraged them to express their own. But even caring and loving acts, if done long enough, can turn into monotonous and annoying chores.

My father's suffering, my family's arguments, and even my own fears, soon lost their novelty. On the outside, I would still help out my dad by doing things around the house: washing dishes, occasionally cooking, finding him his supplies. I would try to ease the strain between my grandmothers and my parents. But inside, I felt nothing...or at least, I ignored what I felt. Unable to handle my fears of loss and the unknown, I turned to resentment. Though never voiced aloud, I often thought, "Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't I just live a normal life, with normal parents?" As the chemo and therapy continued and my perfect world decaying before my eyes, I developed an indifference to my family that was insensitive, disrespectful, and at the very least, bitter.

One Saturday afternoon I was preparing for a piano recital that evening, my dad slept on the couch in the family room. He had fallen asleep hours before, as he had done for several weeks now. But when he woke up, something was wrong... He was not lucid, talked with a lisp, and had the wide-eyed look of a lost child. As I stared at him lying there, I felt the final shards of my perfect world shatter to dust. In front of me, my Baba-the very same person who was once my pillar of strength-now barely remembered who I was, much less my name. And I saw, for the first time in my life, his tears.

The hour drive to the hospital was a blur, as was the rush into the emergency room. I recall my father's moans, my mother's panic, and myself staring at the closed double doors of the emergency room as I waited for the diagnosis. When my mom finally pulled me into the room, my father lay unconscious on the bleached hospital bed, strapped up to a heart monitor and IV drips as the doctor gently explained that Baba's delusions were caused by a severe dehydration of the cells in his brain, an issue that, though serious, was easily fixable. My mother was pulled aside to sign some forms as I mechanically walked around the room, observing the patients on beds and in wheelchairs, the whiteness of the room suffocating. A boy two curtains over looked no older than ten, yet a thick white gauze wrapped his head as he quietly slept. On the opposite wall, a bald middle-aged woman tucked under white sheets murmured to her doctor, only her hands visible as they weakly grasped the cold metal bars beside her. I turned back to my father, with his gaunt face turned sideways, nearly translucent in the harsh lighting. A fear boiled up inside me and I ran out, desperate to escape.

I frantically darted across the hospital lobby until I found an empty seat. As I moved my hand to brush the hair from my eyes, I felt wetness. I was crying. I was crying so silently that I almost wasn't crying at all.

Until that afternoon, I had been engraving my childhood in my memory like picture snapshots of a perfectly normal childhood. But that day, those few hours, will never fade into the blurriness of wistful remembrance. I sat there, motionless, and begged: Why? What wrong did that boy do to end there? What horror did that woman commit to suffer that? And Baba? My own father? They struggle to live, while I selfishly take life for granted...

I was humbled, for I had lost before but never suffered the agony that came with it. I had suffered before, but never summoned the will to fight to live, and I was pained, for I could not truly share my father's suffering. I received that pain, finding that I had an unlimited capacity to not only feel, but act for, if not with, my father, if I allowed myself. That day I found something in me, something that had always been there, but something I had never realized was there before. That day I learned that although my perfect world no longer existed, I still had a world to work my hardest in to make the best of what I have, and beyond it. I could still live and laugh and love in this new world, adapting to the ups and downs and becoming stronger from each. Most of all, my mother was still my Mama, my father was still my Baba, and we were still together. That day I finally let go of the scraps of childhood I had desperately clung to; that day I was finally ready to embrace the future. And as I walked out of those double doors into the hospital lobby, I felt much older...but more alive than I ever had before.
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