zunayed1983
Sep 8, 2011
Scholarship / "What does philanthropy mean to you" - application to an internship [3]
1) It was too informal. Though it is not an essay for english course, you still need to use formal words. your sentence structure and words are too colloquial.
e.g. pad pad pad 2. sommersaulted etc.
2) Every fields of study have some terminologies. Read some articles regarding philanthropy and pick some Jargon. It will make you look like someone who researched on what s/he is talking about. It will raise your possibility of being accepted.
3) If you check the dictionary, philanthropy actually means goodwill to fellow members of the human race; especially : active effort to promote human welfare. So it is all centered around human not wild life. But I must say your essay does prove that you have a kind heart and this is a good thing for your purpose. Now you just have to prove that you have similar attitude towards underprivileged people. (But If you are applying is an organization working on animal rights then its OK )
4) Your first paragraph did not give a sense. Elaborate a little bit. such as, I did not understand why would you have to open the door carefully to make sure the cat doesn't get into the house. I would rather close the door to ensure that. I am sure you have a good answer for that...so write that in your essay.
5) don't use "--"
6) I liked the pronoun you used for Figaro. Other people would use "it".
7) You should work in your grammar. especially Tense. You missed your tense in your third line of first paragraph.
8) Please write it again. and this time start with an introduction that begins with a story and ends with what you think philanthropy is. And make sure it is about human only. then write two paragraph explaining how generous you were in that story. And in conclusion mention what humanitarian work you want to do in future and how the organization you are applying can help you. BEST OF LUCK.
1) It was too informal. Though it is not an essay for english course, you still need to use formal words. your sentence structure and words are too colloquial.
e.g. pad pad pad 2. sommersaulted etc.
2) Every fields of study have some terminologies. Read some articles regarding philanthropy and pick some Jargon. It will make you look like someone who researched on what s/he is talking about. It will raise your possibility of being accepted.
3) If you check the dictionary, philanthropy actually means goodwill to fellow members of the human race; especially : active effort to promote human welfare. So it is all centered around human not wild life. But I must say your essay does prove that you have a kind heart and this is a good thing for your purpose. Now you just have to prove that you have similar attitude towards underprivileged people. (But If you are applying is an organization working on animal rights then its OK )
4) Your first paragraph did not give a sense. Elaborate a little bit. such as, I did not understand why would you have to open the door carefully to make sure the cat doesn't get into the house. I would rather close the door to ensure that. I am sure you have a good answer for that...so write that in your essay.
5) don't use "--"
6) I liked the pronoun you used for Figaro. Other people would use "it".
7) You should work in your grammar. especially Tense. You missed your tense in your third line of first paragraph.
8) Please write it again. and this time start with an introduction that begins with a story and ends with what you think philanthropy is. And make sure it is about human only. then write two paragraph explaining how generous you were in that story. And in conclusion mention what humanitarian work you want to do in future and how the organization you are applying can help you. BEST OF LUCK.
