IBnerd
Oct 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "Sounds of Happiness" Common App Essay [5]
Thank you so much! this means so much to me! Good luck on your applications!
Thank you so much! this means so much to me! Good luck on your applications!
IBnerd
Sep 25, 2011
Undergraduate / The Importance of Uncertainty: Common App essay [8]
Hello,
I like your essay, as it is very unique, but I feel there are some thing that might be improved upon:
Watch out for the language, as the "ok" at the beginning of the essay may be too informal. It does not seem to fit in with the rest of the essay.
Very often, I find that you use the word "this" without clarifying to what you are refering to. For example, instead of writing "This prevents me from responding too defensively ", perhaps you could clarify what "this" refers to. This practice? this mindset?
Hello,
I like your essay, as it is very unique, but I feel there are some thing that might be improved upon:
Watch out for the language, as the "ok" at the beginning of the essay may be too informal. It does not seem to fit in with the rest of the essay.
Very often, I find that you use the word "this" without clarifying to what you are refering to. For example, instead of writing "This prevents me from responding too defensively ", perhaps you could clarify what "this" refers to. This practice? this mindset?
IBnerd
Sep 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "Sounds of Happiness" Common App Essay [5]
Please Critique my essay, I would greatly appreciate that! Also, I know the conclusion is very weak, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!! The prompt is from common app: Evaluate a significant experience and its effect on you.
The Sound of Happiness
An old Yamaha with yellow aged ivory keys and a battle-scarred surface occupied the harshly lit room. On top of the piano, sat a green drooping plant surrounded by rippled watermarks. The door squeaked as it opened to allow a trickle of wheelchairs and walkers to roll in over the faux marble floor. This was the "Sounds of Sophia" on a Sunday afternoon at Broadview Nursing home. Like the many Sunday afternoons for the past four years, I was the conductor and pianist in my own piano show for the residents.
I sat down at the piano and pressed the middle C to see if they fixed it from last time, while the residents turned their hearing aids on and adjusted their oxygen valves. They requested "Fur Elise" again. Its melody reminded them of mothers in pearl necklaces and Thanksgiving gatherings around the old upright. I began playing and I heard some residents shift in their seats to get more comfortable. I missed several notes but no one protested; the residents just nodded their heads as if they were listening to a symphony.
As the coda of "Fur Elise" rolled around, we returned to our disinfected room, vinyl chairs and battered baby grand. However, I noticed something different in the small, clustered room. One resident discreetly straightened his wrinkled shirt and glanced over at two women who were comparing bingo earnings. Another resident suddenly demanded a snack, cajoling others around him into smiles. Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids and the missed notes I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.
I am far from the best pianist in the world, but this is my stage, this is my Carnegie Hall. When I play for those senior residents, we escape the monotony of daily life to a Steinway on a softly lit concert stage, to happier memories. By using the musical ability I possessed to make a difference, I was not composing a masterpiece, nor was I making a scientific breakthrough, but I was brightening the day for a few senior citizens. I realized that service is not only the large and award winning events, but also, perhaps to a larger degree, the small everyday moments when one ordinary person can lighten another's day. I understood this sense of service as I hugged that wonderful audience goodbye for we had created something special -a happy, well-lighted place in their day.
I will carry this love of service into college to both inspire and to center myself in the new and challenging world. However, I will always remember the experiences on those Sunday afternoons and the purpose of all my learning - to create happy, well-lighted places.
Please Critique my essay, I would greatly appreciate that! Also, I know the conclusion is very weak, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!! The prompt is from common app: Evaluate a significant experience and its effect on you.
The Sound of Happiness
An old Yamaha with yellow aged ivory keys and a battle-scarred surface occupied the harshly lit room. On top of the piano, sat a green drooping plant surrounded by rippled watermarks. The door squeaked as it opened to allow a trickle of wheelchairs and walkers to roll in over the faux marble floor. This was the "Sounds of Sophia" on a Sunday afternoon at Broadview Nursing home. Like the many Sunday afternoons for the past four years, I was the conductor and pianist in my own piano show for the residents.
I sat down at the piano and pressed the middle C to see if they fixed it from last time, while the residents turned their hearing aids on and adjusted their oxygen valves. They requested "Fur Elise" again. Its melody reminded them of mothers in pearl necklaces and Thanksgiving gatherings around the old upright. I began playing and I heard some residents shift in their seats to get more comfortable. I missed several notes but no one protested; the residents just nodded their heads as if they were listening to a symphony.
As the coda of "Fur Elise" rolled around, we returned to our disinfected room, vinyl chairs and battered baby grand. However, I noticed something different in the small, clustered room. One resident discreetly straightened his wrinkled shirt and glanced over at two women who were comparing bingo earnings. Another resident suddenly demanded a snack, cajoling others around him into smiles. Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids and the missed notes I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.
I am far from the best pianist in the world, but this is my stage, this is my Carnegie Hall. When I play for those senior residents, we escape the monotony of daily life to a Steinway on a softly lit concert stage, to happier memories. By using the musical ability I possessed to make a difference, I was not composing a masterpiece, nor was I making a scientific breakthrough, but I was brightening the day for a few senior citizens. I realized that service is not only the large and award winning events, but also, perhaps to a larger degree, the small everyday moments when one ordinary person can lighten another's day. I understood this sense of service as I hugged that wonderful audience goodbye for we had created something special -a happy, well-lighted place in their day.
I will carry this love of service into college to both inspire and to center myself in the new and challenging world. However, I will always remember the experiences on those Sunday afternoons and the purpose of all my learning - to create happy, well-lighted places.
