Please Critique my essay, I would greatly appreciate that! Also, I know the conclusion is very weak, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!! The prompt is from common app: Evaluate a significant experience and its effect on you.
The Sound of Happiness
An old Yamaha with yellow aged ivory keys and a battle-scarred surface occupied the harshly lit room. On top of the piano, sat a green drooping plant surrounded by rippled watermarks. The door squeaked as it opened to allow a trickle of wheelchairs and walkers to roll in over the faux marble floor. This was the "Sounds of Sophia" on a Sunday afternoon at Broadview Nursing home. Like the many Sunday afternoons for the past four years, I was the conductor and pianist in my own piano show for the residents.
I sat down at the piano and pressed the middle C to see if they fixed it from last time, while the residents turned their hearing aids on and adjusted their oxygen valves. They requested "Fur Elise" again. Its melody reminded them of mothers in pearl necklaces and Thanksgiving gatherings around the old upright. I began playing and I heard some residents shift in their seats to get more comfortable. I missed several notes but no one protested; the residents just nodded their heads as if they were listening to a symphony.
As the coda of "Fur Elise" rolled around, we returned to our disinfected room, vinyl chairs and battered baby grand. However, I noticed something different in the small, clustered room. One resident discreetly straightened his wrinkled shirt and glanced over at two women who were comparing bingo earnings. Another resident suddenly demanded a snack, cajoling others around him into smiles. Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids and the missed notes I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.
I am far from the best pianist in the world, but this is my stage, this is my Carnegie Hall. When I play for those senior residents, we escape the monotony of daily life to a Steinway on a softly lit concert stage, to happier memories. By using the musical ability I possessed to make a difference, I was not composing a masterpiece, nor was I making a scientific breakthrough, but I was brightening the day for a few senior citizens. I realized that service is not only the large and award winning events, but also, perhaps to a larger degree, the small everyday moments when one ordinary person can lighten another's day. I understood this sense of service as I hugged that wonderful audience goodbye for we had created something special -a happy, well-lighted place in their day.
I will carry this love of service into college to both inspire and to center myself in the new and challenging world. However, I will always remember the experiences on those Sunday afternoons and the purpose of all my learning - to create happy, well-lighted places.
Wow, your essay holds same cathegory like mine. I enjoyed reading it.
I found some grammatical mistakes throughout your writing. Please take a look and check what's wrong.
'Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids and the missed notes I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.' - What's the subject?
'When I play for those senior residents, we escape the monotony of daily life...' - who is 'we'?
Overall, it's a good essay.
Good luck with your school!
:)
An old Yamaha with yellow agedyellowed ivory keys and a battle-scarred surface occupied the harshly lit room. On top of the piano, sat a green drooping plant surrounded by rippledwatermarkswater stains . The door squeaked as it openedto allow, allowing a trickle of wheelchairs and walkers to roll in over the faux marble floor . This was the "Sounds of Sophia" on a Sunday afternoon at Broadview Nursing home. Like the many Sunday afternoons for the past four years, I was the conductor and pianist in my own piano show for the residents.
I sat down at the piano and pressed the middle C to see if they fixed itit was fixed from last time, while the residents turned their hearing aids on and adjusted their oxygen valves. They requested "Fur Elise" again. Its melody reminded them of mothers in pearl necklaces and Thanksgiving gatherings around the old upright. As I began playing,and I heard some residents shift in their seats to get more comfortable. I missed several notes but no one protested; the residents just nodded their heads as if they were listening to a symphony. (say something about the residents seeming to go to somewhere far off)
As the coda of "Fur Elise" rolled around, weeveryone returned to our disinfected room, vinyl chairs and battered baby grand. However, I noticed something different in the small, clustered room. One resident discreetly straightened his wrinkled shirt and glanced over at two women who were comparing bingo earnings. Another resident suddenly demanded a snack, cajoling others around him into smiles. Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids, and the missed notes' I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.
I am far from the best pianist in the world, but this is my stage, this is my Carnegie Hall. When I play for those senior residents, we escape from the monotony of daily life to a Steinway on a softly lit concert stage, to happier memories. By usingI usedthemy musical ability I possessed to make a difference, I was not composing a masterpiece, nor was I making a scientific breakthrough, but I was brightening the day for a few senior citizens . This is not like composing a masterpiece nor like making a scientific breakthrough, but for these senior citizens, its impact is just as great. I realized that service is not only the large and award winning events, but also, perhaps to a larger degree, the small everyday moments when one ordinary person can lighten another's day. I fully understood this sense of service as I hugged that wonderful audience goodbye, for we had created something special -a happy, well-lighted place in their day.
I will carry this love of service into college to both inspire and to center myself in the new and challenging world. However, I will always remember the experiences on those Sunday afternoons and the purpose of all my learning - to create happy, well-lighted places.
Overall, a well written essay with an excellent topic. My biggest suggestion would be to use less adjectives and adverbs. Use strong verbs instead. Remember, strong essays "show" and weak essays "tell".
Yes, there are a few grammatical errors but your essay is heart touching.
Nice one.
Best of luck.
Thank you so much! this means so much to me! Good luck on your applications!
