Writing Feedback / 'stricter gun control laws equals more safety?' - G.E.D. Test Essay. [3]

How's this?
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Decreasing the availability of firearms will do very little, if anything, to make America safer. Murders were being committed long before guns were invented, the threat for harm doesn't lie with the weapon, it lies with humanity itself.

Firearms are only one option, in a wide variety of murder weapons. A gun is merely a tool and can be used in helpful ways. Firearms can be used to provide food, or to protect, they aren't automatically evil.

If you were to think about it, you would realize that a gun isn't any more dangerous than a Lilly plant. The Lilly flower can be boiled to create a deadly poison. Many things that surround us on a daily basis, things we wouldn't normally see as dangerous, can kill as effectively as a gun. For example, a table lamp could be used to take a life, if it were it in the wrong hands, at the wrong time. Water could be used to drown, a shopping bag could be used to suffocate.

I've often heard the phrase, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." I have to admit, I can see the wisdom in that. If someone hates another human being badly enough, not having access to a gun isn't going to stop them from hurting their enemy. It will simply mean that person would have to find another method to accomplish that goal.

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P.s. Ohayohsiao: I'm very impressed with your writing. Do you write strictly for school? To get to the point, I was wondering if you have ever published any of you literary works. If so, I'd love to read them.

Undergraduate / 'My childhood littered with such incidences' - influential person (my brothers) [2]

I loved it! Reminds me of my family. (On a personal note: Believe it or not, you're lucky your brother's give such great advice. My siblings were useless, and stupid. The smartest thing any of my siblings ever did, was my brother tattoo'ing himself, and spelling it wrong! (I refuse to tell you how old he was when he did that.))

I think all you need is to correct a few spelling errors, (Such as capatalizing the quotes, and changing 'me little sister' to 'my little sister.) and rewrite a few sentences to make it feel more natural (a.k.a. Edit for readibility.). Also, in the second paragraph, where they set you up to get busted by your mother, explain why her footsteps sounded 'panicked'. (Or you could simply change the description to something else. Determined, angry, heavy, purposeful, etc. Although, If there is any possibility that your mother might one day read this, please DON'T use the word 'heavy'. That will come back to bite you, trust me.)

In your third paragraph, I think you should use more 'past tense' phrasing. I.e. I used to tell them that one day, I 'would' be the oldest, then 'they'd'.. etc. Or you could simply use quotation marks and present it like this: I used to tell them, "One day I'll be the oldest, then you'll see who get's picked on."

You mentioned a little sister early on in the story but you didn't include her when you told us how your older brothers turned out.

Great story. I really like how you depicted them as both mean, and loving.

Also, since you're older than her, you might mention how you acted toward your little sister. If you ever treated her like your brothers treated you. It might be interested.(This is strictly a suggestion based on my personal tastes and has nothing to do with improving your story.)

P.s. I loved the way you wrote the opening paragraph. It seemed disturbing to begin with, almost scary, then you explained it in such a way that it was completely normal and benign. Don't loose that, it's a fantastic way to catch the readers interest.

Undergraduate / Student - connection to humanity [5]

It was amazing, I loved it!

The only thing that seemed... Off, was the ending. It was a good story, then you suddenly started talking about being linked. "Past the superficialities, we're all one body." That's where it went wrong. Try saying "Past the superficialities, Matthew was just a normal little boy." Or something along those lines. If you want to continue the story, try telling the reader how Matthew did over future lessons. If he opened up to the teacher or how he shut down again.