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Posts by brik2100
Joined: Oct 9, 2011
Last Post: Nov 2, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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brik2100   
Nov 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "An identity sculpted by language" - Harvard Supplement [5]

This is one of my favorite college app essays I've read so far. I love your use of imagery and active verbs, and the allusions were perfectly placed too :) Could I ask what the prompt was? I can guess what it is from the main points of your essay, but knowing what your'e supposed to write about would be helpful in analyzing it more.
brik2100   
Nov 2, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my Mom has shaped me into the person' - Texas A&M, Topic A [3]

The essay was really good and you have a great writing style. However, I would like to recommend that you shorten the narrative during your school years or incorporate your mom and her effects on you a little bit more. I thought your social development became the central point and then transitioned back to how your mother affected you. Besides that, I really couldn't identify any obvious grammatical errors.
brik2100   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Voter Participation - ApplyTexas important issue [3]

Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, local, political, school-related, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of this essay to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

---

Living in the country that originated modern democracy, I and all other Americans should ideally feel that our views and beliefs are being represented in government, regardless of which view encompasses greater representation. Thus it is ironic that political scientists state the biggest problem in the present system of government is its unequal representation of the diverse American population. Although government corruption remains as the popular scapegoat in regards to representative inequality, the prominent issue and cause is the pattern of decreasing voter participation in the elections.

Voter turnout has notably decreased across all demographic groups since 1950, but embarrassingly enough, it turns out that my generation symbolizes the age group with the least voter participation. Considering the fact that my generation and all other subsequent generations represent the future of American government, the lack of political participation may just as well serve as a vision of a United States much less democratic than its original leaders intended. With the nation still teeming with bigotry and discrimination, isn't it common sense that we, as young Americans, need to fulfill our civic duty by voicing our opinions on important issues through voting no matter how distinct our beliefs are?

Frighteningly enough, the negative aspects our system of government was designed to repel have experienced a resurgence, namely inequality and discrimination. In the 2008 elections, a law named Proposition 8 was passed in California that embodied discrimination, banning the legalization of same-sex marriage in the state effective immediately after the polls were closed. In an instant, same-sex couples in the state of California lost their recently gained right to marry and to be regarded in equal stature compared with heterosexual couples. I feel it is reasonable to assume that if more young voters participated in the polls, this law would never have come to fruition, considering the fact that liberal views tend to prevail in the younger generations. Although the law was repealed last year in court, marriage equality remains outlawed in the state. Furthermore, Proposition 8 still represents a massive blow to the credibility of American government because any government that legalizes discrimination and inequality breeds a dangerous precedent that will haunt its younger generations.

Even more appalling than the previous example are laws that urge discrimination against illegal immigrants and permits law enforcement agencies to openly practice racial profiling. Some of the "Stop and Identify" bills that numerous states have already imposed were passed through referendum. However, ballots concerning legislation frequently show low voter turnout which implies that even less young Americans voted on the bill. As an American who experiences the hindrances caused by the recent state of the economy, I understand why some policymakers regard these laws as necessary to foster job creation for its citizens and to stabilize the economy. Regardless, I still have a valid reason to fear these "Stop and Identify" laws; they could lead to widespread discrimination against minorities and are disconcertingly reminiscent of witch hunts. These measures may improve the recent stature of the economy, but if in the long run they affect my ability to live my life as freely as any other American, they deserve no role in the government.

I am currently a permanent resident and seventeen years old, but I plan to register for citizenship by the end of the year and subsequently register to vote. My voice may be only one of 300 million in the country yet it needs to be represented. Inequality and discrimination are severely antiquated and have no place in the government; if I have the capability to prevent legal prejudice, there is no doubt in my mind that I will use this ability.

---

I just want to know if I answered the question correctly, if I made an error in essay format, or if I made any grammatical errors. Thank you in advance!
brik2100   
Oct 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Going back to Thailand' Issue of Importance Essay for Biomedical Engineering at UT [3]

-However, it is impossible, for something especially expression to be everlasting. --> However it is impossible for something, especially expression, to be everlasting.
-Sickness and sadness always deprive humans from happiness.
-I just hope, at least, to make those smiles stay as long as they could be. ("could be" to "can" ; delete the red)

-I suggest combining the first and second paragraphs together. It improves flow.
-Three years ago, I lived in a small town in Thailand where the biggest hospital is always crowded. ("is" to "was")

-As I walked in, I saw several lines of patients from each diagnostic room. ("from" to "in")
-Because the hospital does not have enough equipments and technology, therefore, the patients have to wait in line for diagnostic test. (change blue to past tense, delete the red)

-Some people come to hospital at six o'clock in the morning, so that they can see the doctor as soon as possible when the office hour is eight o'clock. (change the red to "it")

The essay isnt bad at all. it just has a few grammar mistakes but i can figure out the point. I'm still editing this essay so just wait for the update :)
brik2100   
Oct 21, 2011
Undergraduate / "Perspective: the old Mark still existed" - ApplyTexas Topic A [5]

Thank you for replying! I cleaned up the essay a bit :) If anything else is wrong let me know.

Children are the epitome of innocence, so much that they require role models to influence their lives, for better or for worse. For as long as I can remember, the one person I could always look up to was my cousin Mark. He always seemed like the impeccable example of a person: a straight-A student, an athlete, and a beloved son. So when this angel fell from grace, my feet were swept from under me. John Steinbeck couldn't have said it any better: "When a child first catches adults out, his world falls into a panic desolation."

On Halloween night of 2001, the nightmares that would haunt our family began with a single phone call from the emergency room. I can distinctly recall the sterile odor of the hospital room, the monotonous beep of the status monitor, and the sight of Mark lying in bed, a tube in his mouth and blood drained from his face. He had just gotten his stomach pumped from an accidental drug overdose. Unfortunately the overdose was the only thing that was accidental; apparently, Mark had developed an addiction to heroin over the last year. My eight year-old brain could not comprehend what was happening right in front of me. The flawless portrait of my cousin, my hero, was quickly fading from my memory with the tainted image of his unresponsive body taking its place.

For the next two years, Mark experienced a seemingly interminable cycle of rehabilitation programs and relapses. Every time I saw him sober and healthy, he made a conscious effort to cheer me up about his disease, about how he was getting better; I could tell he was trying to convince himself more than me. In his eyes, I could see every single twinge of anguish that he faced in his struggle towards sobriety. The last time Mark and I had a decent conversation, the last "good cycle" he had, he told me something which convinced me that the Mark I knew - the man who mentored me from infancy up - still existed within his withered body. Unfortunately, that version of Mark failed to prevail; he passed away from an alcohol-drug overdose about two months later.

It is simultaneously amazing and calamitous how much the death of a loved one can impact the workings of someone's life. Standing over Mark's lifeless body at his funeral, I forced myself to make choices about how I would lead my life, to learn from the mistakes that led to my cousin's untimely death. When adults advise me to stay away from all these harmful substances, I confidently tell them not to worry because I made that choice before my school even had the chance to properly teach me about alcohol and drugs. I am determined to avoid the trap that ensnared Mark and caused him so much agony amid short periods of felicity and sobriety.

As much as I learned from the mistakes that Mark made in the later years of his life, he learned even more. His addiction simply overpowered him before he could implement what he learned towards his life. One of the most important lessons Mark taught me without even knowing it was to be realistic about the world around me and the life I will eventually lead. In the final moments of our conversation, the moments that convinced me that the old Mark still existed, he remarked five words that I live my life through: "Perspective. It's all about perspective." At the time, his statement puzzled my adolescent mind; now I realize the wisdom that surrounded his words. Horrible things - things that can tear lives apart - happen to great people every day; it is how these people perceive and how they let these events affect their lives that truly matters.
brik2100   
Oct 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'personality, responsibility, and hard work ethic' - My UF essay on character [2]

Try is the key word here because most people have dreams but then they do not take any actions. (I think this sentence is overhaul. The following sentence does just fine on its own)

This is not me , in my free time I focus my energy into learning more about what I really enjoy, which is science. (Try replacing the blue with "On the contrary")

My basic biology and chemistry courses were a breeze for me during my first two years of high school so last year I challenged myself with AP Biology and this year with AP Chemistry. (Change "My" to "Since." It flows better. Omit the "so" and add a comma after "high school.")

This may sound like I do not like to have fun, which is not the case. (I think this sentence is unnecessary. Try replacing it with "Besides my academics" and combine it with the following sentence)

Besides these things, I thought your essay was solid, concise, and to the point. I could easily recognize your passion to attend UF :)
brik2100   
Oct 9, 2011
Undergraduate / "Perspective: the old Mark still existed" - ApplyTexas Topic A [5]

Prompt: Write an essay about someone who has made an impact in your life.

"Perspective"

Children are the epitome of innocence, so much that they require role models to influence their lives, for better or for worse. For as long as I can remember, the one person I could always look up to was my cousin Mark. He always seemed like the impeccable example of a person: a straight-A student, an athlete, and a beloved son. So when this angel fell from grace, my feet were swept from under me. John Steinbeck couldn't have said it any better: "When a child first catches adults out, his world falls into a panic desolation."

On Halloween night of 2001, the nightmares that would haunt our family began with a single phone call from the emergency room. I can distinctly recall the sterile odor of the hospital room, the monotonous beep of the status monitor, and the sight of Mark lying in bed, a tube in his mouth and blood drained from his face. He had just gotten his stomach pumped from an accidental drug overdose. My eight year-old brain could not comprehend what was happening right in front of me. The flawless image of my cousin, my hero, was quickly fading from my memory with the image of his unresponsive body taking its place.

For the next two years, Mark experienced a seemingly interminable cycle of rehabilitation programs and relapses. Every time I saw him sober and healthy, he made a conscious effort to cheer me up about his disease, about how he was getting better; I could tell he was trying to convince himself more than me. In his eyes, I could see every single twinge of anguish that he faced in his struggle towards sobriety. The last time Mark and I had a decent conversation, the last "good cycle" he had, he told me something which convinced me that the Mark I knew - the man who mentored me from infancy up - still existed within his withered body. Unfortunately, that version of Mark failed to prevail; he passed away from an alcohol-drug overdose about two months later.

It is simultaneously amazing and calamitous how much the death of a loved one can impact the workings of someone's life. Standing over Mark's lifeless body at his funeral, I forced myself to make choices about how I would lead my life, to learn from the mistakes that led to my cousin's untimely death. When adults advise me to stay away from all these harmful substances, I confidently tell them not to worry because I made that choice before my school even had the chance to properly teach me about alcohol and drugs. I am determined to avoid the trap that ensnared Mark and caused him so much agony amid short periods of felicity and sobriety.

Most importantly, Mark himself taught me to be realistic about the world around me and the life I will eventually lead. In the final moments of our conversation, the moments that convinced me that the old Mark still existed, he remarked five words that I live my life through: "Perspective. It's all about perspective." At the time, his utterance confounded me; now I realize the wisdom that surrounded his words. Horrible things happen to great people everyday; it is how these people perceive and how they let these events affect their lives that truly matters.

Is this essay too short? Its about 550 words. Please help me with any advice if you can :) Thanks!
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