Posts by katebrown

katebrown

Oct 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a job tutoring at Legacy Christian Middle School' - short answer [3]

During my second week of high school I got a job tutoring at Legacy Christian Middle School. It was a simple job, meeting with a sixth grade girl to help her do her homework. The first month was awkward at best. She wouldn't focus and it was difficult to complete the simplest of assignments. Her approach to homework was completely different from my focused and determine work style. I thought I wasn't affecting her studies because her grades were not improving the way I thought they would. I contemplated quitting until one day, I showed up five minutes late. She was near tears, thinking I wasn't coming. That day I completely changed the way I approached our time together. I thought my job was to help this girl raise her grades, but in reality, my job was to be her friend. Once I stopped focusing on myself, we were able to connect. I cannot say I helped her drastically improve her grades, but I can say I helped a girl who needed a friend more than she need a tutor.

Please correct grammar and anything else you think I should change.

katebrown

Oct 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I saw a girl in a wheelchair' - Important person in your life.. [6]

You need to inform your reader more about you not just the person that influenced you. Also I would refrain from using the word "normal." It can come off that people who aren't like you are abnormal. Just a suggestion.

katebrown

Oct 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Fred Ellis: a simple name and a simple man' - Influential Person [4]

This is a very rough draft. Please help! Tear apart my grammar, prose, sentence structure, and flow. ANYTHING will help turn this rough draft into a college worthy essay!!

Fred Ellis is a simple name for a simple man. If Fred were to take the ACT, he would struggle to get more than a ten, his IQ is around seventy-five, and even though his chronological age is fifty-four, his mental capacity is that of a twelve year old. Yet Fred has been my teacher. I might not address him at Mr. Ellis and he has never given me a test or quiz, but Fred has taught me more important things than the quadratic equation or the difference between an adverb and adjective. As I grow and discover who I am, I realize Fred's affect on my life.

Fred could be bitter and angry, he has every right to be. When Fred was three years old he became part of the foster care system. His mother gave him up after he began having seizures. Fred never stayed in one house for long. He was placed in multiple abusive houses until he finally aged out of the system at the age of eighteen. Many years later Fred started attending sporting events at South Christian High School, the same school where my dad was the principal. My dad noticed that no matter what the sport, Fred was there. One day my dad introduced himself and from that one hello, Fred became part of our family. We celebrate Christmas, birthdays, and I can always count on Fred to be part of my cheering section at my softball games. We take care of each other like every other family.

Fred will often tell me, "If it wasn't for my childhood I wouldn't be here. I didn't like it but I'm glad it brought me to you people." Those plain words show me that it isn't the experiences in life that shape who one becomes, it's how one reacts to those experiences. I feel shallow and petty when I respond poorly to a test grade or when the ACT score I wanted wasn't the score I received. These things seem trivial when compared to what Fred has overcome. I am confident that when I face real hardships and trails I will be able to persevere, knowing those hardships might be leading me exactly where I need to be.

katebrown

Oct 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'it was great that a freshmen would be a leader' - Short Answer on Common App [5]

Thank you zeugma! Harsh is what turns rough drafts into finish products! I really appreciate it! :]

katebrown

Oct 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'it was great that a freshmen would be a leader' - Short Answer on Common App [5]

Thank you very much. I've been trying to come up with a closing sentence but I'm almost out of characters. Could you please read my other essays? :)

katebrown

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'optimistic, musical geek who can cook' Stanford Roommate [6]

This essay seems very informal. I'm guessing that was the feel you were going for but since this is an admissions essay, I would tighten it up a bit. if your other essays are quite serious and deep this might be a great change in mood and show a completely different side of you. I would maybe reconsider using the word "geek" so many times throughout the essay as well.

Could you please compulsively correct the grammar in my essays? I would really appreciate it.

katebrown

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'it was great that a freshmen would be a leader' - Short Answer on Common App [5]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

My freshmen year of high school was a new beginning. I attended a new school, made new friends, and started playing a varsity sport. As a freshmen, I looked up to older students for guidance, never thinking I would become someone others would look up to as a leader.

My second week of high school I got a job tutoring at Legacy Christian Middle School. It was a simple job, meet with a sixth grade girl and help her complete her homework. The first month was awkward at best. She wouldn't focus and it was difficult to complete the simplest of assignments. She was completely different from my focused and determine work style. I thought I wasn't making a difference until one day I showed up five minutes late. She was near tears thinking I wasn't coming. I thought I couldn't be in a leadership position because I was a freshmen, she thought it was great that a freshmen would take the time to help her study.

do i need to be more specific? does this answer the prompt well?

katebrown

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / "Drawing portraits for others" - Common App Short Answer [7]

I just found out the that character limit INCLUDES spaces.

katebrown

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to take on a more "American" last name' - University of Michigan Community [7]

Thanks you so much inverselogic. I loved the ideas and took many of the :] Here's my revised version.

When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name and they did. Their German name was transformed into one more likely to fit the new American family. But when my paternal grandfather, Conrad Guichelaar, arrived in Canada from the Netherlands he didn't change his name at all. He is the reason I have my unique surname.

My last name sounds like someone with bronchitis trying to dislodge a particularly difficult piece of phlegm. For most people it's a tough name to pronounce, but not in my community. I am surrounded by mostly Dutch descendants. In a photograph of everyone in my school it would be difficult to find me within the mass of tall, fair haired students. However, I am proud to say I fit in with my community in more ways than my appearance and name. My hardworking community places a great importance on education. I have never shied away from a challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities. Even with my busy schedule, I am able to work tutoring at a local middle school and cleaning bathrooms and locker rooms at my school. All while still maintaining relationships with friends. My hardworking attitude and my focus on education were instilled in me by my community. I don't think my grandfather could have imagined all that he gave me just by endowing me with his last name.

Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become a Wolverine and in turn learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce.

I'll review your essay later on. Sorry I have a lot of homework tonight *sight*

katebrown

Oct 17, 2011

Undergraduate / "Drawing portraits for others" - Common App Short Answer [7]

I'm not 100 percent sure if the character limit includes spaces or not but to be safe I would include them.

katebrown

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / "Drawing portraits for others" - Common App Short Answer [7]

Your last sentence might flow a little better if you wrote "I always want to be able to provide small joys like this to others."

katebrown

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'after Katie Murray passed away' - UNC Supplement - A time when you failed. [2]

I will never forget the day after Katie Murray passed away. It was only hours after learning the news of her death when I was forced to walk into my AP Government class-the class where 24 hours before Katie had sat beside me. To describe the feeling of emptiness I felt then, knowing Katie wasn't going to run into class just before the bell and slide in next to me, like she had always done, is nearly impossible. Looking around the class at Mr. Childers(are you looking around the class or at Mr. Childers? ), with Mrs. Childers standing right by his side, I could see the emptiness of the classroom reflected on his face. I will never forget what they asked us to do that day. Instead of sitting in silence like we had all done in every other class, we wrote letters.

We wrote to Senators Barbara Mikulski, Ben Cardin, and to Representative Steny Hoyer. All we wanted was for the back roads of Charles County, specifically Oliver's Shop Road, to be changed, improved, and made safer to avoid the loss of another life. Especially because Katie wasn't the first~~, but~~ . She was the fifth student from La Plata High School in four years to die from a fatal accident on Oliver's Shop Road.

In the letters we wrote we proposed ~~for~~ a shoulder to be added, asked for the road's treacherous curves to be straightened, and suggested that the speed limit be lowered. In addition, we requested that back roads be given equal priority for treatment before inclement weather, we tried explaining that ~~maybe~~ if the road had been salted the ice patch Katie slid on would have never formed, if there was a shoulder she wouldn't of rolled into the ditch ~~she did~~ , and if the curves weren't so tight, perhaps her car wouldn't have flipped.

I don't think I have ever put such passion or emotion on paper before as I did in that letter. All 21 letters were sent to each Congressman-a total of 63 letters altogether. Not a single reply was sent back.

When I finally realized that we were not going to receive a response from our congressmen, the men and women whom I believed had the power to make this change, I was disappointed, upset, and disheartened. I felt as if we had failed in trying to make a change for Katie~~'s memory~~ -that our letters weren't persuasive or powerful enough to initiate action in any of our leaders. It took me until very recently to realize this wasn't true, to realize that we had succeeded. We had taken the initiative to change something we were passionate about, even if Oliver's Shop Road has remained the same. I know that I cannot change everything, but I can change something-and I will make every attempt to do so in Katie's memory.

I think this is a really good essay. I would try adding more details without listing so much. You have a lot of commas in you paper especially when you list everything you requested. Try mixing it up. Really good essay though. I'm sorry about your friend Katie.

Please review mine too!! It's the only essay I have posted :]

katebrown

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to take on a more "American" last name' - University of Michigan Community [7]

When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name. Their German name was transformed into one more likely to fit the new American family. In contrast, when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada from the Netherlands he didn't change his name in any way.

My last name sounds like someone with bronchitis trying to dislodge a particularly difficult piece of phlegm. For most people, it's a difficult name to pronounce, but in my community it's ordinary. My community is made up of mostly Dutch descendants. In an all school photograph it would be difficult to find me within the mass of tall, fair haired students, but I'm proud to say I fit in with my community in more ways than my appearance and name. My community is hardworking and places a great importance on education. I have never shied away from a challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities while still being able to work and maintain relationships with friends. This has been instilled in me by my community. I don't think my grandfather could have imagined all that he gave me just by endowing me with his last name.

Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become a wolverine and learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce.

I made some revisions. Hope it reads a little better. ANY suggestions are helpful. Don't be afraid to tear it apart. :]

katebrown

Oct 15, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to take on a more "American" last name' - University of Michigan Community [7]

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name. The German name transformed into one more likely to fit the new American family. Contrastingly, when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada at age 19 the only thing he had was his Dutch last name. No amount of persuading could have made him alter it because it was the only thing connecting him to his family still living in the Netherlands. Now that name is mine. In the same way it connected my grandfather with his family, it now connects me with my community.

I live in a small town outside of Grand Rapids, Michigan. My community is made up of mostly western European descendants and I fit perfectly within that community. We are conservative, religious, and have been, on occasion, overgeneralized as hardworking, stubborn Dutchmen. Both of these generalizations are correct, however and not only are they correct, we are proud of them. I have never shied away from challenging class and I am involved in multiple extra curricular activities while still being able to hold down a job. People may see my community and think we should slow down but we stay busy. When the economy crashed and jobs were lost, that only made volunteer hours rise and when Newsweek called Grand Rapids a "dying city," we rallied and created a lip dub that received over four million views on youtube.

Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become part of the University of Michigan Community where I'll be able to learn the last names of people with very different roots and very different communities than me.

Please help. I feel like this essay is all over the place and doesn't really tie everything together at the end. ANY suggestions would be great! I have some serious writers block!