Posts by inverselogic

inverselogic

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My notebook is a reflection of me' - Common App [6]

Wow, it's really good. But I'm curious, what topic did you choose?

Here's some suggestions:

The last couple of sentences in the first paragraph are a little iffy. Try experimenting with the words until you get a better result. For example: "Bound by a metal spiral, two hundred college ruled sheets of paper are sandwiched between red, glittery cellophane-covered cardboard and black plastic-like material." Even though it's still passive voice, I think that is a little better. But go with what you like!

In considering your audience, I think that "scares the pants off me" is a little informal. Is there a better way to word that?

"Whoever said that overanalyzation is bad?" is an incomplete sentence. I think you mean, "Who ever said that overanalyzation was bad?"

I don't know if you want to change this, but you used "relayed" twice in your second to last paragraph.

In the last sentence, the "no" is unnecessary. You can replace it with a semi-colon.

Yes, I think it is bragging slightly, but I don't think it's that apparent. Overall, great essay; hope I helped a little! (I'm best at correcting grammar and such, not so much the overall flow or content of the essay, sorry! But I think it's good, if my opinion is worth anything.)

inverselogic

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to take on a more "American" last name' - University of Michigan Community [7]

Sorry, these sentences are bothering me (my second attempt to revise it):
"I have never shied away from a challenging class, and I am involved in multiple extracurricular activities. Even with my busy schedule, I am still able to work and maintain relationships with friends."

Now it's sounds better, but I'm still not completely satisfied with it. *shrug* Oh well. Pick whatever satisfies you.

inverselogic

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to take on a more "American" last name' - University of Michigan Community [7]

Hey, I'm back! I'm pretty good with grammar and sentence flow, so I have a suggested revision with comments. You can choose whether or not to make any of the changes.

When my maternal great-great-great grandparents immigrated to the United States, they were encouraged to take on a more "American" last name. And they did.But when my paternal grandfather arrived in Canada from the Netherlands, he didn't change his name at all . He is the reason I have my unique surname.(Or something like that to transition into the next paragraph.)

My last name sounds like someone with bronchitis trying to dislodge a particularly difficult piece of phlegm. For most people (no comma here) it's a difficult (you're repeating "difficult"... how about "tough"?) name to pronounce, but not in my community. I am surrounded by mostly Dutch descendants. In an all school photograph (do you mean "a photograph of everyone in my school"?) it would be difficult to find me within the mass of tall, fair haired students. B ut I'm proud to say I fit in with my community in more ways than just my appearance and name. (Provide example here? or transition into next idea more smoothly?) My hardworking community places a great importance on education. I have never shied away from a challenging class, and I am involved in multiple extracurricular activities. All while still being able to work (what do you mean by work? elaborate?) and maintain relationships with friends. This has been instilled in me by my community. (what has been instilled in you? and avoid passive voice if you can.) I don't think my grandfather could have imagined all that he gave me just by endowing me with his last name.

Even though I love my community, I'm excited to leave it and become part of a new one. I hope to become a wolverine (I don't know for sure, but doesn't Wolverine need to be capitalized?) and in turn learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce.

I think you could make your ideas flow more smoothly, although I'm not too good at doing that myself. Also, are you going to add your last name into the essay? I feel like it would help, since you mentioned it but never said what it was.

Anyways, hope this helped a bit!

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the rolling waves of the ocean' - meaningful event Florida admissions [3]

Nice essay; here are a some comments:

"the gentle hum of the engine at trolling speed" -- sorry, what's trolling speed?

"the wind slowly whizzing past my ears" -- slowly whizzing is kind of contradictory, since whizzing implies speed.

"time to bond, relax, and "get away" for awhile " -- awhile is an adverb. I think "a while" is proper here.

"hot pink, Barbie, fishing rod." -- should be "hot pink Barbie fishing rod."

"We gotta fish!" -- should be "We got a fish!"

I edited this sentence: Right as my dad had grabbed the gaff and was getting ready to make the final blow, I looked at the invincible creature, reduced to a pitiful victim, and yelled, "Dad, stop!"

It seems to abruptly go from the dad about to kill the dolphin to the creature swimming away peacefully. Maybe you should write something like this: "What would be the sense of killing this hardy warrior? My dad let the dolphin(fish? whatever word you'd like to use here)go, and I felt a sense of accomplishment as I watched him swim away." Except "him" sounds a little strange in that last sentence. (You could possibly be talking about the dad swimming away, so you need to be a little more clear.) You should instead put dolphin/fish/word of your choice.

Anyways, great essay, and good luck!

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Science Olympiad' - Common App Extracurricular Box - Short Answer [2]

Good essay; I think you can keep most of what you have written, but here are a few suggestions:

You repeat "Science Olympiad" a lot. Could you replace it with something different for a few instances?

What exactly is Science Olympiad? What do you do there, and why do you like it? What kind of of camaraderie, unity, and synergy moments were there?

Also, this sentence could be reworded a little, "...could not have been possible had I not tried out for Science Olympiad in 2007 ."<-is that necessary? if so, it sounds awkward. is there another way to word it? possibly, "four years ago"?

Anyways good essay, and hope this helped a little!

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'in the working class' - What community you come from University of Michigan [8]

Well, first off, this seems to be well over 250 words. You would do well to shorten it quite a bit.

I think you should focus on one main point. Would you rather emphasize coming from a drug-heavy school district or having a mostly military family? You could probably do without the first paragraph unless you feel you really need it.

Think about how you can tie everything together, and if you can't, try to pick one main focus and write about that main focus.

Maybe you can end your essay with why you'd like to go to University of Michigan while coming from your background/community.

Sorry if my suggestions are vague; I'm a bit brain-dead right now.

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to take on a more "American" last name' - University of Michigan Community [7]

I like your essay. I have one little suggestion: "I hope to become a wolverine and in turn learn the names of people whose last names I cannot pronounce." It just sounds a little nicer. And maybe you can add some more detail as to why you'd like to become a part of a new community.

Forgive me, I usually go more in depth with my suggestions, but it is late. Maybe I'll come back to this tomorrow and add more.

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / "Drawing portraits for others" - Common App Short Answer [7]

Thank you for your reply!

You're right about the agreement error. I didn't notice it till now, thanks! :P

I guess I'll have to cut some more out of my essay to beef up the conclusion. I didn't have much room for it in the end, so I know it's a little weak.

Thanks again, and you're welcome! ^^

Oh, and does anyone else have any advice? It's much appreciated! (And I'm still curious about the character limit including spaces or not, hehe.)

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / "Tennis; maybe I'll beat him for once" - Common App Extracurricular [8]

Hm, I'm no admissions officer, so I'm not the best at this, but I'll try.

Since the prompt is about extracurriculars, shifting more to tennis would seem more prudent. But if your twin is an important aspect of your tennis experience, it wouldn't hurt to include him. Personally, I think it's fine the way it is. Your are elaborating on your extracurricular activity. But maybe you could put less emphasis on rivalry? (You used the word about three times in the essay.) Sorry if this isn't very helpful. ^^;;

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / "Tennis; maybe I'll beat him for once" - Common App Extracurricular [8]

I'm not a tennis player like the poster above me, but I love your essay nonetheless!

A few comments (I hope you don't mind that they're mostly small things):

I don't think this is a big deal, but I don't know what "double fault" means. If you can convey what it means somehow, that'd be great, otherwise don't worry about it. I know this character limit is a pain. (I'm trying to write one of these short answers myself!)

You wrote, "Glaring, I tossed the ball up for my next serve. As I smashed the fuzzy green missile towards my twin, I smiled, thinking of the bond we had formed over tennis." It's kind of awkward that you were glaring and then smiling all of a sudden with not much of a transition. Maybe you could add a "But" in there: "Glaring, I tossed the ball up for my next serve. But as I smashed the fuzzy green missile towards my twin, I smiled, thinking of the bond we had formed over tennis." I really like your imagery here, "fuzzy green missile." :P

And since that added a word, which is not what we're trying to do here, here are some things you can delete, along with what jeveux posted:

~~Yet~~ Soon the sport began
each match was ~~like~~ a fast-paced game of chess

And you could change this sentence a little: "I ~~can only~~ hope we can still keep our rivalry alive ~~by playing whenever we can~~ through tennis."

I'd be willing to help more if you need it. ^^

inverselogic

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / "Drawing portraits for others" - Common App Short Answer [7]

The Common App short answer prompt is this: "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)."

I tapped my pencil nervously on the table as I awaited the task at hand. I checked one last time to make sure everything was ready: my sketchbook securely propped up on the small table easel, my colored pencils neatly arranged in their boxes, and the large sign reading, "Get your portraits drawn here!"

It was family barbecue day at Camp YEY, and I had volunteered myself as a portrait artist. I had never done this before, so my stomach was aflutter. But I had no time to worry; the first camper had arrived.

"Hi, would you like your portrait drawn?"
The little boy nodded, and I put my pencil to the paper. At first my breathing was shallow; my nerves still hadn't settled. But as I drew, I grew calmer. Then, I finished, and the grateful expression on the boy's face upon receiving his portrait made me realize: I loved this. The more portraits I did, and the more appreciative faces I saw, the more my confidence soared. I want to always be able to provide small joys like this to others.

Would this be a good response for a college application? I feel like I cut it off too abruptly, but the character limit is really hard to follow. Please read and feel free to give any suggestions! Thanks!

And also, does the 1000 character maximum include spaces? Just curious.