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Posts by ruru530
Joined: Oct 19, 2011
Last Post: Oct 28, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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ruru530   
Oct 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the topic of skating' - University of Michigan Supplement- Describe a community [3]

Here is the second draft. Any comments?

My father stops in front of a vine-covered building. Without the sign above the entrance, it doesn't look the part of being an ice arena. As soon as I step into the rink, I am in a whole different world. It is a world without stress over grades, deadlines and pressures of school life. Two friends greeted me with enthusiasm, both taking a break from their training. I changed into my skating dress and sit down to tie my skates, another friend sit next to me. We chat about school, how hard the chemistry test was and other dramas that were occurring. Over the years, the topic of skating wasn't brought up in my conversations with skaters at the rink. I find this refreshing. We are all striving for the same thing: to pass our senior gold free skate and to perform well at competitions. But the competition within the rink isn't as cutthroat as the real world. We are supportive of each other through competitions, cheering on as loudly as we can and when someone is battling an injury. Throughout the years, the skaters and coaches at the rink have become my family. The rink is my second home.
ruru530   
Oct 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the topic of skating' - University of Michigan Supplement- Describe a community [3]

My father stops in front of a vine-covered building. It doesn't look the part of being an ice arena without the sign above the entrance. I look at the door, knowing as soon as I step into the rink, I am in a whole different world. My two friends greet me, both taking a break from their training, with enthusiasm. After I changed into my skating dress and sat down to tie my skates, another friend sat next to me. We started chatting about school, how hard the chemistry test was and other dramas that were occurring. Over the years, the topic of skating wasn't brought up in my conversations with skaters at the rink. I find this refreshing. Not only are we athletes as we walk in through those doors, we are also friends. We are supportive of each other through competitions, cheering on as loudly as we can and when someone is battling an injury. Throughout the years, the skaters and coaches at the rink have become my family. The rink has become my second home.

This is a very rough first draft. any comments would be appreciated!
ruru530   
Oct 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'defined by my decisions and actions + my father' - UIUC essay [2]

I think if you add a bit more about you it would be perfect!
The first line... there seems to be a pattern but it isn't consistent. Either stick with using a colon or a comma. And since you used "my" for my new father and my marine, I suggest you switch the first sentence to "my last resort"

"I am defined by my decisions and actions, I am defined by my aspirations to be a successful woman, I am defined by the fact that even though I grew up with bullet holes in my house and have seen death take my friends and family, I remain strong willed and hopeful for the future I'm bringing for myself."

This is a very long sentence. Try to shorten it up a bit.

Well written! Good luck :)
ruru530   
Oct 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / How important is it to look beyond superficial appearances? [3]

The bird tends to be deceived

fly away for from fear of being poisoned

The president of Singapore used to

In fact, some birds dare to eat many of them. Some are dead, some are alive since the appearances cannot obstruct the truth.

Very well written! Though I would caution you on some run on sentences. Try using different sentence lengths. Some sentences are also very awkward so try and reword them.
ruru530   
Oct 19, 2011
Undergraduate / My struggle with perfection- Common Application essay [2]

A fine line exists between motivation and obsession. Practice doesn't make perfect and perfect performances don't make dreams real. Somewhere in the middle, I work to come to terms with my imperfections.

For 12 years, I have figure skated at least two hours daily. From the first stroke I took, this sport left a mark on me. When I trained for my first state competition, I worked under the impression that I had to be perfect-no mistakes, no wobbles. Nothing. Every practice session, I ran through my program twice. I went through my jumps three times to develop consistency. My confidence level rose. I was certain that I would skate well at the competition.

I took to the ice. I missed jump after jump and tripped on connecting steps. I was no longer the competitor I had been in those weeks of training. For the next few days I tried figuring out why perfect practices didn't lead to a perfect program. I remember my coach saying, "Coming across a perfect skater is like finding a needle in a haystack. You are only human."

I battle with my need for perfection during practice and at competitions. There are moments where I am disappointed with myself or where I want to give up. However, I cannot abandon my longing for the smooth sheet of ice that awaits me everyday. I push through those moments and work towards accepting my imperfections.

Not even perfect performances lead to a perfect dream. My dream was becoming first chair in band when I first started playing. I received my audition etude along with a tedious list of scales for chair placements in the fall. Every day I practiced those along with other musical works. I walked into the band director's office with confidence and started playing the etude and scales freely and elegantly, with no hint of error. I pictured my name at the top of the list when the results came out. Everything stopped. My name wasn't first, or second. It was third. I was speechless, outraged.

I had flute lessons that day and so I briefed my flute teacher on what happened. She said, "You may be third chair, but play third chair like you are the first chair." I hadn't view the situation from that point of view. My mindset was either I am first chair or I'm not. My flute teacher's perspective helped me understand that imperfection doesn't mean failure and that being third chair shouldn't dampen my spirits of being selected for honor bands.

There is no "cure" for my desire for perfection. There is nothing that can change my pursuit of this. I'm still dealing with the need to be perfect, though I am in no hurry. Learning the ways of imperfection takes years, but one day, I will embrace it.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you!