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Posts by amajor12
Joined: Oct 22, 2011
Last Post: Oct 25, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

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amajor12   
Oct 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "The people not the sport" - Common App Extracurricular Essay [3]

i like the idea, and the story had parts that can be really emphasized and flavored to make it an engaging read. Perhaps if you start the story in the middle of the experience, like the in the intense moment of the chant. Then you could incorporate a flashback to everything that had happened that day, the exploration, the bonding with the other members, or perhaps even your feelings of regret on not getting back in time to sufficiently prepare yourself. And then go back to the present and say how you put all those things from your mind to concentrate solely on the race. Then move from the buildup to the race to the elation of winning and the thanks for everything that had happened and your teammates because they had gotten you where you are.

Really take this opportunity not only to answer the prompt, but to do so in an engaging way, by really showing an event, not telling it. You want to make the reader experience it so they remember it. You can take or leave my suggestions, but either way, I would recommend spicing up the story with some real interesting, sense-provoking adjectives to make the imagery sharper.

Hope I helped and good luck with everything!
amajor12   
Oct 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Hitting yellow balls' -Extracurricular Activity Short Answer [2]

It's really good, and it shows characteristics about yourself that might not otherwise be shown in the common, which is what you're supposed to show, so good job! a Few things though. The sentence "It has taught me what it means to be a part of something bigger than myself, and what the meaning of teamwork and unity is" is a little awkwardly worded, I would change it around so that it says something more about how it's taught you what a team is, so that way it's a better transition to the next sentence.

Some of your words choices, such as aficionados are also a bit awkward, but other than that, good job!
amajor12   
Oct 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford essays - What matters to you (service), Letter (list), Experience (enzymes) [4]

Ok, so these are my essays for the Stanford Supplement. I just wrote them, so they're really rough, but if you could please proofread them for aything and everything - style, content, spelling, grammar, etc. Thank you ahead of time for your comments and corrections(:

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

"You want to live forever? There's an enzyme for that."
Mr. Carlton's sarcastic still rings in my ear to this day. I knew that he was kidding, and that as of yet, there is still nothing that can make a person live forever. But, for some reason, it was something that struck me in such a way that I won't soon forget it. We had been studying microbiology for several weeks now, and although the rest of the topics were still interesting, I had instantly become obsessed with enzymes. The fact that these infinitesimal structures had the power to do and cause so much rocked me to my core.

Enzymes were the catalyst (excuse the pun) in the newfound journey into the exploration of biology. Every new fact I learned about them and biology put the world in a whole new perspective, as I begin to see things as a working whole, an infinitely complex system, all sparked by these structures smaller than even cells.

As I proceeded through the will, my pesky habit of delving into minute details got the best of me. Although these enzymes were only a small topic in our biology class, they became the major topic for me. I ended up writing my term paper on them to an outstanding reception by my teacher. Although some of nature's smallest structures, enzymes sparked my love and interest for biology which I plan to pursue the rest of my life.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Dear Roommate,
WE GOT INTO STANFORD! Whew, now that that's out of the way, I guess I'll introduce myself. My name's Austin and I'm from Delaware. If you don't know where that is (and most people don't) it's a small State on the East Coast where virtually everyone knows each other and everything about them. Instead of writing you a formal letter about the many quirks of my personality, I have decided to do what I do best in stressful situations, and make a list. This is my personal list, and I hope it will help you to get a better picture of who I am.

List to Myself on Surviving College Dorm Life
1) Always meet new people graciously and kindly, you never know who your future best friend or employer could be
2) Never forget your copy of Harry Potter at home. It's great to go to new places, but it's never good to forget where you've come from and the lessons you've learned (plus it's a great read!)

3) Remember to bring an alarm clock for those early morning workouts. That freshman fifteen won't work itself off!
4) Buy comfy sheets. That bed will be your best friend after the long days and late-night study sessions.
5) Bring your chargers! You'll be lost if you're not connected to the rest of your friends, and I guess you'll need to write some papers too.

6) Don't forget the Oreos!
7) Tweet! Twitter will save you from your boredom when you've got nothing else to do.
8) And most of all, don't forget to smile, laugh and have fun - you only have one college experience!

I hope my list has helped you find out a little more about who you're rooming with. I'm looking forward to our freshman year of college. I'll bring the Oreos.

What matters to you, and why?

Water is life. It quenches thirst, washes away impurities, and provides energy. But the people of Kenya don't all know the many properties of water. All they saw when they thought of water was the long rigorous journey they had to make each day to find water to survive. These people wouldn't be the same after if I had anything to say about it.

I was starting my Junior year in high school, elated from having just been elected the new acting President of the Saint Mark's Key Club. But celebration time was over, there was already work to be done and plans to be made regarding our largest event of the year, The Variety Show. Every year, our club put on a talent show to raise money for a cause of our choosing. As I began researching worthy causes to donate our money to, I found many and varied, each with good reasons as to why we should donate to them. But little did I know, I would find a cause that I would change my fundamental views and inspire me like never before.

Water is Life Kenya is an organization founded by an alumnus from my high school. Their goal is to provide communities in Kenya with wells to help the village grow and provide them with clean water. The more I learned, the more interested and devoted I became. I became loyal to my newfound cause and devoted all my energies into putting together the best show our school had seen in order to provide this organization with the help they needed.

The night of the show, I was pleased to see the most people that had ever come to the Variety Show. A full theater, and thousands of dollars later, I was proud to present them with a huge check to benefit their cause. A few months later, I was pleased to learn that our money had went directly towards the construction of a new well for a village in Kenya.

This experience changed my view on the world. It showed me just how much help some people still need. Before undertaking this challenge, community service was just something good to do to help your community. But community service is much more than that now. It is now one of the things I am most passionate about and always make time to do. I know wherever life take me, community service will be the one thing that brings me happiness and comfort.
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