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Posts by p12ehoffman
Joined: Oct 29, 2011
Last Post: Oct 29, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  

Displayed posts: 10
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p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Introducing Me" - UPenn Supplement Essay (Optional) [3]

Thanks for the critique! I just revised it to read:

"I've been known to drift; go through different phases, and growing up I always perceived this aspect of myself as a hindrance of sorts. While I would observe my friends and peers continuing different specific pursuits, I struggled to find things I liked enough to stick with."
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Introducing Me" - UPenn Supplement Essay (Optional) [3]

The following is my response to the optional short essay of UPenn's supplement. Any feedback is appreciated.

Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.


I've been known to drift; go through different phases. Growing up I always perceived this aspect of myself as a hindrance of sorts. While I would observe my friends and peers continuing different specific pursuits, I was struggling to find things I liked enough to stick with. What I ceased to realize until recently, though, was that with each new interest and its subsequent failure to sustain my absorption, I was defining myself. In today's world there are so many different fields of interest, and I think it a shame that we are traditionally exposed to so little of them. I perceive there to be an underlying presence of ignorance in disregarding things without first experiencing them for yourself. In having participated in so many different activities, I'm confident that those to which I'm currently committed have naturally taken form with time and are of my true passions and talents.
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the dexterity of my uncle's game-play - My common app [7]

Okay, what you're working with is really, really good. This topic is not only super unique, but also very entertaining to read. It incorporates many aspects that are appealing of good literature--like an underlying presence of an underdog story of sorts--in a very short essay.

Now, at a first read your essay confused me a little bit. In reading it back over a couple times, though, it came to flow very well. Unfortunately, you're probably only going to get that initial read of a busy college admissions counselor. Overall, I suggest seeking clarification so that you get that thorough, captivating read the very first time through. I recommend possibly setting the scene at the beginning of the introductory paragraph, and maybe cleaning it up a bit word-wise. You clearly have an impressive vocabulary, but you can demonstrate such while still avoiding clutter.

The transition between you're third and fourth paragraphs is a little confusing. It's unclear to me where exactly the tutoring comes from. Going off of the last sentence of your third paragraph I think it's unclear whether you're tutoring the kids in physics, or just serving as a general tutor. I really enjoy the fourth paragraph itself, though. As long as you can justify that transition those two paragraphs should be looking really nice.

If you can incorporate those few changes I think this thing's going to be golden.
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'love of reading' - U.Penn supplement [4]

I think the content is very good, and that your response flows nicely as a whole. The only recommendation I have is to read it through a few more times and work to improve your flow by individual sentence. For example, your second sentence would better read as the following:

"Reading is a hobby I cultivated way back in elementary school, and has since been one of my primary sources of pleasure."

Again, just very picky things like this. Overall, though, I think it's great. Best of luck in applying!
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "How I Came to Learn Myself" - Common Application Essay [4]

While they aren't independent clauses, they are--in both instances--items in a list. An additional purpose semicolons serve is to separate items in a list that would otherwise be confusing if separated by commas (individual items containing multiple components separated by "and", for example).

For the second paragraph I have the first semicolon there for the purpose of setting off what exactly the "popular crowd" is composed of, but that could go a number of ways grammar wise. I'm not even entirely sure if the second semicolon would be necessary as opposed to a comma. I think I'm going to revise that opening sentence.
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "UPenn: My Ideal Match" - UPenn Supplement Essay [2]

Please feel free to read and critique my UPenn supplement essay. Any feedback is appreciated!

Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)


In experiencing this new, more academically stimulating time in my life, I've come to develop specific ideas regarding what I want to do as a prospective physics major. Being a very radical time in physics with the OPERA Neutrino Project claiming they've gauged massive particles traveling faster than the speed of light, I'm very interested in conducting related research of relevance to energy and subatomic particles. I'm determined to pursue the ideal school for me that, in its manifestation of these different fields, still facilitates a diverse, balanced community within which I may continue to flourish personally and intellectually. Even if it entails shamelessly seeking acceptance to such a competitive, renowned school as the University of Pennsylvania, I'm committed to said pursuit.

With top ten rankings in faculty distinction, overall best research institute and best physics program according to both U.S. News and the National Research Council, UPenn-and more specifically the School of Arts and Sciences-excels in the areas of greatest appeal to me. SAS' unique theoretically oriented cosmology group also conducts unprecedented projects like the creation of the BLAST Telescope that simply can't be found at any other university. While UPenn competes by means of the best overall physics department, it possesses by and large the best, most revolutionary department of theoretical physics.

So let's say, hypothetically, that the OPERA Project's data is substantiated, disproving Einstein's theories of both general and special relativity (not highly unlikely). Twenty-first century physics and a sizeable portion of twentieth century physics will be largely meaningless! Upon such a monumental shift in theory, it isn't reasonable to assume that new parameters will quickly transpire. In fact it will be years before physics sees a compensatory set of fundamental laws. In the meantime everything will be dominantly theoretical, thus why UPenn is a step ahead, and the optimum university for any intending physicist today. It's the most innovative institution for the evolving field that is twenty-first century physics.

Until a decision is reached regarding the OPERA Project's research, though, I can still hope to pursue a preeminent education in the traditional subject that originally enthralled me, conceptual physics. With upwards of five state-of-the-art physics-dedicated laboratories manned by a staff consisting of the most brilliant minds in the field today, the applied physics department at UPenn appeals to me in that it is research oriented and prestigious with great reason.

I see myself initially contributing to UPenn dedicated to reassuring. In other words, given the chance by means of acceptance, I want to demonstrate that the right decision was made in adding me to the class of 2016. I want to commit myself to the furthering of my intellectual competence in the focused, academically oriented environment; excel in physics and theorize within its various realms; demonstrate my full potential as an innovator, thinker and researcher. Ultimately, I very much hope to advance my passion and devote myself to a new stage in my academic career within the ideal confines of the University of Pennsylvania.
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Progressive Equestrian Therapeutic Services' - UVA - favorite place to get lost [6]

I recommend abiding by the word maximum they establish within the criteria for the answer. The topic of word maximums is one I frequently ponder and question admissions counselors with at every given opportunity, and from what I've gathered they possess a nearly uniform stance on the topic. These essay prompts are in a sense your first assignments of the respective institutions to which you're applying. Don't submit anything on these applications you wouldn't be absolutely comfortable submitting for a graded in-class assignment. Don't provide these schools any reasonable ground upon which they may knock your application. 250 means 250. Read it over, revise it, cut it down and repeat. You'll get there, and I think you'll find that through the refining process your response becomes increasingly focused and better reading overall.
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'In failure, I find success' - Introduce yourself to Penn [2]

I think that what you have going here is concise and powerful. A UPenn applicant myself, I am familiar with the mere 150 words you're confined to in this response, and feel you made good use of your available words. I particularly like the introductory sentences: "I've never made the soccer team. Calculus is as mysterious to me as the meaning of life. I will perhaps never be able to play guitar while singing. I have failed more than I have succeeded. I have cried, stomped my feet, complained. It doesn't help. I wipe the dirt off my face. Grab a blank sheet of paper. Find a G chord. I try again." Countless admissions officers have told me that amidst reading the plethora of essays they receive, they enjoy an occasional laugh or two! I think through this answer you will appeal to an admissions officer in coming off as both relaxed and informative.
p12ehoffman   
Oct 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "How I Came to Learn Myself" - Common Application Essay [4]

Hello!

The following is my central essay for my CommonApp. Any feedback/criteria is appreciated.


Please write an essay (250-500 words) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

Developing maturity and work ethic; assuming new responsibilities; and managing an ever-increasing workload; all aspects of high school. Throughout one's career in secondary schooling most of these objective elements are evaluated. Grades are recorded and averaged, standardized test scores analyzed and assigned to percentiles. Within the largely statistical, dispassionate realm that ultimately is high school, though, I found myself. I arrived at a new, synthesized understanding of who I am that can't be gauged on a scale. Over the course of my high school experience I've made the unlikely transition from a once narrow-minded jock to an aspiring physicist.

Entering sophomore year I was continuing along the path I'd been on since middle school, thriving in the popular crowd; the athletes; the indifferent "cool kids." It didn't occur to me that I was merely trying to entertain the mutual interests of that group by becoming somebody I wasn't.

Come March I was reading Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower for theology class, a first-hand account of Charlie's (the protagonist and narrator) introductory year in high school. Initially I couldn't get over the friends Charlie described throughout his writing; wonderfully portrayed characters amidst a beautiful story that came to instill in me a sincere yearning for friends like that for myself-genuine friends who possessed shared interests and encouraged each other's expression. Inspired, I broke from my "friends" altogether.

A lonesome wanderer, I first befriended the thespians that occupied my a cappella group, thus completely changing the activities I engaged in. I'd partaken in things I never foresaw for myself by the end of that summer; my first play, The Scarlet Pimpernel; a new friend's rock band that has since evolved to become our current ensemble, Girls On Bikes. Little did I know I was in for further change.

Junior year physics, who ever would have thought? I was initially dreading the course. Throughout the year, though, my teacher, Dr. Lewis went from an instructor in my eyes to a true friend and catalyst of my intrigue, making me see that physics is everything and all encompassing. He enlightened me to a passionate inner drive for tangibility and reason that had been with me all along.

I've since expanded my knowledge of physics on my own accord, knowing it's what I want to pursue, and now love not only conceptual physics, but also its many subfields including everything from theoretical quantum mechanics to astrophysics! Doc and I remain great friends, and when he permits, I attend his Monday physics lecture at Fairfield University.

It's borderline comical the degree to which I've changed throughout my high school experience. Isn't it amazing where a journey down the winding, unpredictable road of realization will take you? In accordance with the fundamental mission of high school-to learn, that is-, my realization has brought me to success. I've succeeded in that I learned the most within the field of greatest importance during this developing stage in my life. I've learned myself.
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