voldymentor
Nov 10, 2011
Book Reports / How to write 20-paged critical writing on Lord of The Flies? [2]
essay info/essays/critical_essay.php
This should help!
Good luck!
essay info/essays/critical_essay.php
This should help!
Good luck!
voldymentor
Nov 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Modeling and life experience is critical as well' - college essay-common app [2]
There areT wo specific areas in my life that have both impacted and taught me valuable lessons.
Inthe my modeling (career), I was fortunateto be able to travel around the country and work with clients such as Nike, Pottery Barn, Fred Meyer, Saks fifth avenue, and Portland Fashion Week, to name a few.
I'veloved (<choose a stronger word for love, it is overused) each and every moment of it!
(Try to avoid contractions!)
In addition to the fun and glamorous side,itmodeling (<never use the word it unless in the second part of a compound sentence.) has helped me shape in my mind what I want my career to be; it taught me ways to conduct myself as an adult.
One must arrive early,Punctuality is imperative.
This has helped me get an insider's view on marketing and how the inside works, which has led me to my decision to major in marketing. rephrase it so you do not have "this" in the beginning of a sentence. That word is usually vague.
Also, I see numerous times you use the word "valubale" and "fun" ... try to refrain from repeating adjectives after one or two times :)) and always replace verbs with stronger ones!!
Your sentences are nice, the syntax, but you also want accurate sentences that get to the point. Rephrase so that the emphasis is on the noun and verb, not the adjectives and adverbs. Cut up some of the sentences, it really helps to make it an easier read! Otherwise, I was blown away with this essay! :) Good luck! I hope you are accepted!
In
I'veloved (<choose a stronger word for love, it is overused) each and every moment of it!
(Try to avoid contractions!)
In addition to the fun and glamorous side,
This has helped me get an insider's view on marketing and how the inside works, which has led me to my decision to major in marketing. rephrase it so you do not have "this" in the beginning of a sentence. That word is usually vague.
Also, I see numerous times you use the word "valubale" and "fun" ... try to refrain from repeating adjectives after one or two times :)) and always replace verbs with stronger ones!!
Your sentences are nice, the syntax, but you also want accurate sentences that get to the point. Rephrase so that the emphasis is on the noun and verb, not the adjectives and adverbs. Cut up some of the sentences, it really helps to make it an easier read! Otherwise, I was blown away with this essay! :) Good luck! I hope you are accepted!
voldymentor
Nov 9, 2011
Undergraduate / Macaulay Essay: Ethical Dilemma- "Last Shot" [2]
"This is what we've been practicing for. All those drills, all that preparation, for this moment. It's all or nothing."
These petty attempts at motivation left an evanescent imprint on my mind. My coach's words repeated in my mind again and again, until I was facing the crowd, anxious to witness a miraculous comeback.
Thump, thump, thump. The resounding beats of my heart merge together with the crowd's enthusiastic cheering to produce a sensation I am all too familiar with. Pressure. The whistle blows, and the 1. game is resumed . The opposition has possession and the lead. My coach screams "Guard a player!" and we routinely scramble to our spots. Having been in this situation countless times, I know to leave my man some space, so I can steal the ball once it's passed. The ball's up. Impulsively, I sprint for the ball, leaving the opposition trailing and nobody in front. I go up for the lay-up, and during the second I'm mid-flight, I think to myself. Should I make this lay-up, and be the unsuspecting hero, or should I pass it to the usual savior, my brother, who is just behind me. Regrettably, I pass it, and not expecting the pass, the ball goes off his chest and out of bounds. The crowd 2. silents and heads are lowered. Especially mine. I walk off the court alone, blurring out the efforts to pacify my regret, reflecting on my 4. decision.
Why did I pass that? Why didn't I trust myself to win the game for us?
Each time I think of this moment, I relate this dilemma to my life. I remember my foolishness and cowardice. 5. I remember my lack of confidence to trust myself . I remember my naivete, always found myself relying on others, especially my older brother. But what happens when my brother gets too old to answer my frivolous queries? Would I crash and burn? I don't want to find out.
From then on, I realized that I cannot continue to confide in anybody too frequently. I learned to rely on myself, doing what I feel is right, and unafraid of failure. Herman Melville once said "He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great. Failure is the true test of greatness." I've learned to aim for the sky, because even if I fail, I'll still end up in the clouds.
1. the game resumes, keep it simple :)
Oh, try to take out the contractions; formal or informal writing, contractions should only be used in talk.
2. The crowd is silent (NEVER use a word that is not a verb and make it one...)
in that same sentence, say "heads lower.", and combine "especially mine" with that sentence, try to keep fragments out of it!
4. you need a stronger word for decision, i would try "mistake."
5. this seems redundant, i would just say lack of confidence.
Also, stick with once verb tense. You are changing way too many times!
I hope this helps a bit... I used Strunk & White's Elements of Style to help with revision, it's a neat little portable book all should use!
"This is what we've been practicing for. All those drills, all that preparation, for this moment. It's all or nothing."
These petty attempts at motivation left an evanescent imprint on my mind. My coach's words repeated in my mind again and again, until I was facing the crowd, anxious to witness a miraculous comeback.
Thump, thump, thump. The resounding beats of my heart merge together with the crowd's enthusiastic cheering to produce a sensation I am all too familiar with. Pressure. The whistle blows, and the 1. game is resumed . The opposition has possession and the lead. My coach screams "Guard a player!" and we routinely scramble to our spots. Having been in this situation countless times, I know to leave my man some space, so I can steal the ball once it's passed. The ball's up. Impulsively, I sprint for the ball, leaving the opposition trailing and nobody in front. I go up for the lay-up, and during the second I'm mid-flight, I think to myself. Should I make this lay-up, and be the unsuspecting hero, or should I pass it to the usual savior, my brother, who is just behind me. Regrettably, I pass it, and not expecting the pass, the ball goes off his chest and out of bounds. The crowd 2. silents and heads are lowered. Especially mine. I walk off the court alone, blurring out the efforts to pacify my regret, reflecting on my 4. decision.
Why did I pass that? Why didn't I trust myself to win the game for us?
Each time I think of this moment, I relate this dilemma to my life. I remember my foolishness and cowardice. 5. I remember my lack of confidence to trust myself . I remember my naivete, always found myself relying on others, especially my older brother. But what happens when my brother gets too old to answer my frivolous queries? Would I crash and burn? I don't want to find out.
From then on, I realized that I cannot continue to confide in anybody too frequently. I learned to rely on myself, doing what I feel is right, and unafraid of failure. Herman Melville once said "He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great. Failure is the true test of greatness." I've learned to aim for the sky, because even if I fail, I'll still end up in the clouds.
1. the game resumes, keep it simple :)
Oh, try to take out the contractions; formal or informal writing, contractions should only be used in talk.
2. The crowd is silent (NEVER use a word that is not a verb and make it one...)
in that same sentence, say "heads lower.", and combine "especially mine" with that sentence, try to keep fragments out of it!
4. you need a stronger word for decision, i would try "mistake."
5. this seems redundant, i would just say lack of confidence.
Also, stick with once verb tense. You are changing way too many times!
I hope this helps a bit... I used Strunk & White's Elements of Style to help with revision, it's a neat little portable book all should use!
voldymentor
Nov 9, 2011
Graduate / 'understand and use medication' - pharmacy essay [3]
The essay focus is really nice, but the wording is a little much. My English teacher repeated multiple times unnecessarily, "Omit needless words." Also, in the Strunk and White's Elements of Style, the authors repeat that same sentence (no doubt where my teacher got it). However, in this section:
Pharmacists, as all health professionals, maintain a high standard of ethics as well as professional mannerisms. I not only live by a great moral ethical code but love helping make the lives of others healthier but more knowledgeable .
That red part sounds unnecessary and is just a little extra wording that makes the sentence long. ALso, the blue part, the wording is just a little awkward, so I would rephrase that...
And syntax throughout, you used I in too many sentences in the very front! Unless, of course, you meant to put emphasis...
Not only my community service experience has prepared me for this career but my work experience as a pharmacy technician at CVS has given me confidence that I can use the skills that I have learned to help further my success in this field.
I would say "My community service has prepared me for my career; even more,my work experience at CVS as a pharmacy technician has boosted my confidence and ensured that I can apply my gained skills to promote my success in this field."
hope this helps!
The essay focus is really nice, but the wording is a little much. My English teacher repeated multiple times unnecessarily, "Omit needless words." Also, in the Strunk and White's Elements of Style, the authors repeat that same sentence (no doubt where my teacher got it). However, in this section:
Pharmacists, as all health professionals, maintain a high standard of ethics as well as professional mannerisms. I not only live by a great moral ethical code but love helping make the lives of others healthier but more knowledgeable .
That red part sounds unnecessary and is just a little extra wording that makes the sentence long. ALso, the blue part, the wording is just a little awkward, so I would rephrase that...
And syntax throughout, you used I in too many sentences in the very front! Unless, of course, you meant to put emphasis...
Not only my community service experience has prepared me for this career but my work experience as a pharmacy technician at CVS has given me confidence that I can use the skills that I have learned to help further my success in this field.
I would say "My community service has prepared me for my career; even more,my work experience at CVS as a pharmacy technician has boosted my confidence and ensured that I can apply my gained skills to promote my success in this field."
hope this helps!
voldymentor
Nov 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'After getting denied...' - my transfer essay [5]
I would somehow rearrange the last sentence so you do not end it with the year 2012, and also you do not say "With all of this being said," because it usually is not the best wrapping-up sentence. Also, even though it does seem like you tried to make it personal, try adding just a bit more on your personal story, and i agree with what Alex said, it seems kind of ordinary.
I would somehow rearrange the last sentence so you do not end it with the year 2012, and also you do not say "With all of this being said," because it usually is not the best wrapping-up sentence. Also, even though it does seem like you tried to make it personal, try adding just a bit more on your personal story, and i agree with what Alex said, it seems kind of ordinary.
voldymentor
Nov 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to complete the cycle' Washington University Summer Program for High School Students [NEW]
I am asked how the program will benefit me as a student... help! I am not that good with these kind of topics.
In life, there are certain steps a person takes to complete the cycle. The cycle starts out during childhood, progresses through middle age, and then ends with the elderly years. That is why I make sure I spend every given opportunity on making each step fulfilled to my best ability. So far in life, everything I have been planning is directed towards college. Since I know my parents cannot assist me in the highest In elementary and middle school, I was preparing for high school. In high school, I am preparing for college. My college years will prepare me for life. To ensure that I am fully prepared for college, I must take major leaps and apply to programs such as the Washington University in St. Louis Summer Program. This program will assist me in adapting to college, being more independent, and giving me a chance to experience new lifestyles and friendships.
One of my most important reasons for going here is to also really confirm that my career choice is what I truly am interested in. Since I was in elementary school, my parents urged me to be a doctor, as most Asian parents suggest, but I was not just motivated by them. My grandfather was a doctor as well, and he showed me when I was visiting once in Vietnam, how being a doctor really made his life feel like it was benefiting the world. The Pre-Medical Summer Program will help me focus my study and broaden my knowledge of what majors I can choose when I get to college. I hope to make strong friendships with the students who seek the same goals as me, and I also hope to lead as I take on the work the summer course provides.
With my willing to learn and adapt to prepare for college, I hope to gain leadership skills and strong friendships while at Washington University. As I take on bigger steps, this little step will guide me through high school, college, and ultimately, complete the cycle.
I am asked how the program will benefit me as a student... help! I am not that good with these kind of topics.
In life, there are certain steps a person takes to complete the cycle. The cycle starts out during childhood, progresses through middle age, and then ends with the elderly years. That is why I make sure I spend every given opportunity on making each step fulfilled to my best ability. So far in life, everything I have been planning is directed towards college. Since I know my parents cannot assist me in the highest In elementary and middle school, I was preparing for high school. In high school, I am preparing for college. My college years will prepare me for life. To ensure that I am fully prepared for college, I must take major leaps and apply to programs such as the Washington University in St. Louis Summer Program. This program will assist me in adapting to college, being more independent, and giving me a chance to experience new lifestyles and friendships.
One of my most important reasons for going here is to also really confirm that my career choice is what I truly am interested in. Since I was in elementary school, my parents urged me to be a doctor, as most Asian parents suggest, but I was not just motivated by them. My grandfather was a doctor as well, and he showed me when I was visiting once in Vietnam, how being a doctor really made his life feel like it was benefiting the world. The Pre-Medical Summer Program will help me focus my study and broaden my knowledge of what majors I can choose when I get to college. I hope to make strong friendships with the students who seek the same goals as me, and I also hope to lead as I take on the work the summer course provides.
With my willing to learn and adapt to prepare for college, I hope to gain leadership skills and strong friendships while at Washington University. As I take on bigger steps, this little step will guide me through high school, college, and ultimately, complete the cycle.